Whew, that was close — when Bill O’Reilly came out in favor of the Public Option last week, we were sure we’d need to shop Beelzebub Outfitters for parkas before spending our eternity surrounded by evil penguins.

Happily, the Afterlife’s Global Cooling problem has been resolved. “The Internet is a safe haven for liars,” says O’Reilly, explaining that what he meant was a private-insurance pool for his non-BMW-driving viewers, not a government-run plan that denies robber barons their rightful profits.

“It just drives me crazy that you can’t have an honest dialogue in this country anymore,” says O’Reilly. We’ll enjoy reminding him of that one when we’re sharing loofahs in Hades.

Bridges collapse, roads crumble, levees are breached, but why spend money fixing that shit?

The secretive US Special Operations Command (SOCOM) has awarded arms globocorp General Dynamics a $10m contract to set up a network of psychological-warfare “influence websites” supporting the Global War On Terror. France and Britain are specifically included as “targeted regions”.

According to the 14th Airborne PSYOPS Group (and just why are they airborne?)

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See this curly fry I’m holding up? It’s an energy-saving fluorescent light bulb, designed to give your home the same loving warmth you enjoy at the office. We know you like to pretend to be environmentally responsible — it’s that “personal virtue” the vice president used to talk about, before he got into testing car batteries on swarthy brown people. It’s why you’re likely to buy a hybrid to complement that SUV in your driveway.

Here at BMW, we understand your passion to pretense. That’s why we’re firing up a gazillion light bulbs in this commercial to show our solidarity with your psychographic. Because you don’t really want to save the environment. You just want to think you do.

Orly, to TPM — who, apparently, is taking her calls so we don’t have to:

This threat of sanctions gives me an opportunity to demand rule 11 discovery and get all of Obama’ records through the back door.

(Shitty grammar in original.)  All this in the context of her client dumping her like a cold fish and going off to Iraq anyway, and Orly claiming that the client’s letter to the Judge was (yes!) forged, and blah blah blah.

This is what interested me, though: Rule 11 discovery?  Good Lord.  I mean: forget the fact that Rule 11 has no provision for discovery.  None.  This woman is thinking about asking the Judge to allow her to get evidence in order to show that her filing wasn’t totally full of shit?  You’re kinda sorta obligated to do that before you file something.

All of this is further proof, of course, that one would be better off getting a law degree from a Cracker Jack box than Taft Law School.  But we knew this.

Oh, one more last hit from Orly [sic, natch]:

The most important question is still on the table: why would the judge levy $10,000 in sanctions instead of instructing Obama to produce a real Hospital birth certificate with a name of the hospital name of the doctor and signatures, so we can locate this birthing file?

Why?  Because you are an idiot.  That’s why.

Mike Stark is pretty brave. Audio NSFW.

Programming note: Our Socialist President will be chatting it up with Letterman tonight. (Don’t worry, you’re safe — Colbert has the night off.) As long as he goes easy on those wayward self-deprecating anecdotes, he should glide through it. Special points if Dave asks Barry whether the Public Option will float.

Wouldn’t you like to wake up tomorrow in a wingnut-free world?  You just might do that.

Today is the Rapture! [Buzzfeed]