“Well, I think they should attack things like that…. with satire. I mean, Ned Sherrin.  Fair’s fair. I think people should be able to make up their own minds for me.” [“Pepperpot,” Python, Monty; Book I, Chapter 5.]

Premises: Americans love violence. (See, e.g., Eastwood movies, Schwarzenegger movies, the NFL, the NHL (1917-2013), etc.)  Americans also love (a) guns and (b) sport.  (See id.)  Americans also love games of chance. (See, e.g., Powerball, Las Vegas, etc.)  Americans particularly love television shows where unknown people can theoretically win something. (See, e.g., game shows, reality TV, etc.)  Indeed, Americans love any television show on which one might appear (see, e.g., signs held up at sporting events where the broadcasting network’s initials are featured); this holds even for shows on which people might not actually like to appear, but provide some sort of thrill anyway (see, e.g., “Cops,” “The Maury Povich Show,” etc.).  And Americans’ love for things grows exponentially when combined.  (See, e.g., value meals, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, etc.)

TOTALLY NECESSARY CONCLUSION: The next mass-shooting must be the subject of a nationwide lottery, so that the location, and the specific victims, are determined in advance — and so that said town, and said victims, can be made the subject of a reality television series in the run-up to the actual tragedy, and the subject of post-event television specials, telethons, and all other kinds of opportunities to be on television, in ways that will allow the maximum amount of public sympathy to result, and that will allow the maximum number of people to royally cash in.

The benefits are obvious. But they are explained anyway, after the jump.

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• Police foil another school shooting on same day as Newtown shooting ;
• Man opens fire in Alabama hospital;
• Indiana man with 47 guns arrested after school threat;
• California man shoots up mall parking lot;
• Death threat to mourners at Newtown, CT memorial service.

What the fuck?

Title: “Underwater Dogs”

Author: Seth Casteel

Rank: 48

Blurb: “From the water’s surface, it’s a simple exercise: a dog’s leap, a splash, and then a wet head surfacing with a ball, triumphant. But beneath the water is a chaotic ballet of bared teeth and bubbles, paddling paws, fur and ears billowing in the currents.”

Review: “The dogs were all wonderful and enjoyed turning each page of the book.”

Customers Also Bought: “Extraordinary Chickens 2013 Wall Calendar”

Footnote: We all could use a break.

Underwater Dogs [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

“Why did Adam, after killing his mother, travel to the school where she worked? Shouldn’t some suspicion fall on the mother? She looks like a victim, but could she and her son have been operating together?” [Althouse]

Second mass shooting of the week.

UPDATE:

Hartford Courant reporting that children are among the dead, and that most of the shooting happened in a kindergarten classroom.

[CTNow: Multiple Deaths at Sandy Hook Elementary]

Nothing to worry about, just a piece of an iceberg the size of Manhattan breaking off an ice shelf:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9EyCAnh3pA

Everyone who appears on Kevin Pollak’s Chat Show has to play The Larry King Game at the end of the show. You need: 1) a bad Larry King impression; 2) that TMI moment that Larry often provides; and 3) to go to the phones – it doesn’t hurt if the name of the city is funny. Here’s how it’s done well:

Here’s how it’s done poorly:

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