Hint: If you’re looking for someone in this list capable of kicking ass and taking names, it’s not #4.

Meet the Press: Al Gore and Tom Brokaw hunt the elusive Manbearpig.

Face the Nation: Someone should tell Joe Lieberman (I-Robot) that you only win the coveted Full Ginsberg by appearing on all five shows the same day.

This Week: Celebrate the pre-empting British Open by wishing Diana Rigg a happy 70th birthday!

Late Edition: Only seven years into a presidency so criminal and incompetent that historians will be fighting each other for the best adjectives, Nancy Pelosi bravely steps forward to say Bush is an idiot.

Fox News Sunday: We dare Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, to drop Dr. Strangelove references.

Guests and topics subject to change. Hang tight, kids, Shark Week is almost here!

MTP, FTN, This Week, Late Edition, This is the War Room!

Obama trip could push rock-star persona to new heights [Fox]

Hysteria alert: Barack Obama starts world tour [Times UK]

Networks follow Obama overseas [Reuters]

Poll: Obama elicits more excitement than McCain [USA Today]

Obama-palooza [MSNBC]

We can’t hope to top a week featuring Sex with God and Sex with Dog, and while we’re strangely attracted to Sex with Pope, let’s instead head for the cybermall to go shopping for Christian sex toys. If these don’t make you scream for Jesus, we pray for your soul.

Inner Desire Velvet Touch Egg
“We were very happy to find that the entire thing, even the controller is waterproof in the shower.”

Fun Factory Patchy Paul
“Detailed operating instructions are included with a sample of Toyfluid.”

Duckie Waterproof Massager
“But when the mood does strike… let’s just say the duckie is real pleasure to have around!”

Snuggle Puss
“A contact point at the base of the ‘u’ turns it on when inserted, so Snuggle Puss works when you wear it.”

Rock Hard Power Spray
“This spray desensitizes with benzocaine to prolong your erection.”

Chocolate Body Frosting
“The chocolate frosting was absolutely delicious, but I preferred licking it off my fingers. My husband is too hairy!”

Vanilla Tie Up Kit
“Our Vanilla Bondage Lover’s Kit combines a creamy blindfold with the seductive swirl of silky ties in a faux ice cream package.”

Before and After Toy Cleaner
“We don’t have to leave our private toys to dry on the counter where little eyes might see them in the morning.”

Covenant Spice: Christian romance and sex toys to enhance intimacy

The joy of Christian sex [Sydney Morning Herald]

Highlights from the official South Carolina tourism guide’s table of contents:

• Not-So-Hidden-Treasure (page 6)
• Cruising the Coast (page 8)
• A Desperate Stand at the Rivers Edge (page 20)
• Stirring Up Flavor in State Parks (page 34)
• A Taste to Remember (page 38)
• A Sight to See (page 54)
• Mom, That Log Is Looking at Me! (page 54)
• Play Ball! (page 65)
• The Front Porch of the Lowcountry (page 82)
• Carolina Adventure World: Where to Ride (page 85)
• Polo Anyone? (page 86)

S. Carolina Huffs Over UK ‘Gay’ Ads [Time]

South Carolina Smiles and Places 2008 Official Vacation Guide

While you’re searching under the table for where your jaw dropped, some background: Mike Meehan, of St. Cloud, Florida, would like to remind us of the Democrats who held the positions of President, Secretary of Defense, and National Security Advisor on September 11, 2001, and asks that we not repeat our mistakes, lest skyscrapers blow up spontaneously under siege from monstrous flags. Or something like that; we’re still trying to work out the logic.

Perhaps that website will help. Oh look, he’s selling a song!

If you like fat fucks on tractors, you’ll love the video. And if you can’t make it past ten seconds, here’s what you’re missing:

Republicans, we’re not perfect but we know the truth
We uphold the Constitution and the Golden Rule.

We know what you’re thinking, and we agree — no American could possibly be that fucking stupid. Which leads us to the conclusion that this must be the latest genius publicity stunt from Sacha Baron Cohen.

9/11 billboard draws flak from Florida Democrats, GOP [CNN]

Please Don’t Vote for a Democrat! [The Republican Song]

“Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?”

“Talking to my agent.”

“Oh, what did you see, my blue-eyed son?”

“He has a new assistant, but she doesn’t know who you are. I think that makes five. No, six, counting the one who thought you were Luke Perry.”

“And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son?”

“He asked me to reconsider. Said it was a great gig, everyone would be in town for the convention, lots of exposure. Said I couldn’t keep living off your royalties, and I certainly can’t live off mine.”

“Oh, who did you meet, my blue-eyed son?”

“Some dude named McBeth, runs a factory-food trade group. He flashed a roll of hundreds at me, said he knows people who know people. I told him what you told me, but without the mumbling. He said he was sorry to hear that.”

“Oh, what’ll you do now, my blue-eyed son?”

“Thanks to you, I’m stuck with weddings all summer. The gig went to Styx.”

Jakob Dylan’s agents say dad Bob had nothing to do with decision on GOP convention-related event [TwinCities.com]

First convention protester: Bob Dylan? [Politico — the earlier story, in case TwinCities gets all up in yer grill]

• Missionary Positions
• Latter Day Stains
• Beneath the Valley of the Magic Underoos
• SLC Punk’d
• Tabernacular!
• Leave Your Tie On
• Future Republican Scandals
• Big Love — In My Pants!!!
• Praise the Lord and Pass the Butter
• Fuck Me Jesus

Excommunicated: LDS Church boots creator of ‘Men on a Mission’ calendar [Salt Lake Tribune]

Men on a Mission [Mormons Exposed]