“Well — he did not —”. Clarence Thomas, speaking during Supreme Court oral arguments for the first time in almost seven years. [TPM]
Hint: If you’re looking for someone in this list capable of kicking ass and taking names, it’s not #4.
Meet the Press: Al Gore and Tom Brokaw hunt the elusive Manbearpig.
Face the Nation: Someone should tell Joe Lieberman (I-Robot) that you only win the coveted Full Ginsberg by appearing on all five shows the same day.
This Week: Celebrate the pre-empting British Open by wishing Diana Rigg a happy 70th birthday!
Late Edition: Only seven years into a presidency so criminal and incompetent that historians will be fighting each other for the best adjectives, Nancy Pelosi bravely steps forward to say Bush is an idiot.
Fox News Sunday: We dare Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, to drop Dr. Strangelove references.
Guests and topics subject to change. Hang tight, kids, Shark Week is almost here!
We were considering calculating the wealth of this week’s guest list, but a bar graph comparing #5 with the others combined would end up looking like #3’s gag.
Meet the Press
with Tim Russert: They updated the logo, but the title bar remains ghoulish. Or is that Carly Fiorina?
Face the Nation: If you hear everyone screaming out their windows, Schieffer finally cracked.
This Week: The Governator and George reenact the Twins poster.
Late Edition: McCain economic advisor Nancy Pfotenhauer challenges you to create limericks with her name.
Fox News Sunday: It’s not a swift boat unless it’s a T. Boone Pickens swift boat.
Guests and topics subject to change. Especially if Armageddon begins before airtime.
Bobby Jindal seems to be taking the week off, sparing us the trouble of multiple hyperlinked adjectives. We now understand the wisdom of choosing something simple like “short-fingered vulgarian” and sticking with it.
Meet the Press: Screw politics, enjoy some smokin’ hot tennis players instead.
Face the Nation: So, how’s that thing with Katie Couric working out? Oh.
This Week: Joe Lieberman (I-Droopy) takes his La Bomba Tour to George’s place.
Late Edition: The Inside CNN Tour includes a special stop at the Turner Store, where DVDs of Barbarella are likely not available.
Fox News Sunday: The winner of this week’s All-Star Douchebag edition will be decided by who leaves the most cum stains after the Jesse Helms tribute.
Guests and topics subject to change. Who wants to work a holiday weekend, anyway?
The best news this week is that Harry Shearer‘s impression of the marble-mouthed NBC patriarch has been given new life. If you want to play the home version, try speaking without consonants.
Meet the Press: Brokaw pulls a Brinkley, to go progressively senile during the 2008 campaign.
Face the Nation: Joe Lieberman (I-Eeyore) melts under the hot studio lights.
This Week: Honest to god, there’s a link that says “Curious About George?” Nominations are open for The Man With The Yellow Hat.
Fox News Sunday: Bob Barr! Bob Barr! Bob Barr!
Guests and topics subject to change. Oh, we kid — it’s the same crap every week.
Meet the Press: Tim Russert is still dead.
Face the Nation: Carly Fiorina, “RNC Victory 2008 Chair”, promises she’ll do for Republicans what she did for HP.
This Week: Red Cavaney, President and CEO of the American Petroleum Institute, demonstrates how he lights cigars with Benjamins.
Late Edition: Peter Bergen is “CNN Terrorism Analyst”. Our high-school guidance counselor lied to us.
Fox News Sunday: Chris Wallace convenes a gasbag roundtable to discuss wind prices.
Guests and topics subject to change. Also hosts, if you know what we mean.