He’s never going to go away:

Gov. Rod Blagojevich is expected today to name former Illinois Atty. Gen. Roland Burris to replace President-elect Barack Obama in the U.S. Senate.

The action comes despite warnings by Democratic Senate leaders that they would not seat anyone appointed by the disgraced governor who faces criminal charges of trying to sell the post, sources familiar with the decision said.

I am so tired of this guy.

Burris is third from the right, BTW.

Blogojevich to Name Burris to Senate [Chicago Breaking News]

• Taser Me Elmo
• One Fish Two Fish Terrorist Blue Fish
• My Little Meth Lab

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It’s a spawn of Satan destined to rule the Earth as mortals beg for the sweet release of death boy!

Bristol Palin Welcomes a Son [People]

Who among us wouldn’t want to throw all three nominees in a blender and celebrate the goo that pours out? Remove any one, and the other two are powerless: Without Karl Rove, no electoral mastermind; without George W. Bush, no pliable frontman; and without Dick Cheney, no lawyers shot in the face. Put them together, and you have an extraconstitutional juggernaut that managed to undermine the Republic, if not human society itself, in only eight stunning years. But the Stinque Awards allow no signing statements, so two must be left at the altar of history.

And the winner is…

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Narrowing the nominees to five finalists in an election year was almost more than our judges could bear, and only an emergency shipment of an extra pallet of box wine could convince them to remain on task.

Michele Bachmann‘s dark-horse candidacy was a surprise, usurping what had been known as the Hannity Slot, but invoking and then denying McCarthyism was a masterpiece of chutzpah. Hillary Clinton made a strong claim with her fond remembrance of the RFK assassination, while nominal spouse Bill Clinton pleased the panel with his unerring ability to write off the darker hues of the Democratic Party. Sarah Palin‘s rise from obscurity to infamy was so fast and thorough, the panel was overwhelmed by little starbursts. And Joe Lieberman somehow managed to be a traitor without consequence.

And the winner is…

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It was admittedly a slow year for sex scandals, or at least a slow year for the perversions that inspired our ongoing Diaper Ratings. So many heterosexual couplings between consenting adults! It’s enough to make you lose faith in electoral democracy.

The judges resorted to an elaborate spreadsheet tallying Ironies Implied, Bastards Spawned, Ambitions Thwarted, and Wives Displayed. Vito Fossella and John Edwards each tallied a Bastard apiece, for example, while Fossella scored additional Irony chits for a 2004 commendation from President Bush. Eliot Spitzer lost pestorking points for the lack of offspring, but made a strong Irony showing with a notable “Stand By Your Man” moment from the missus. Tim Mahoney landed on the shortlist for carrying on his district’s tradition of Sex Scandal Superstar Mark Foley, and David Paterson subverted the entire system by managing not to create a scandal with his extracurricular intimacies.

And the winner is…

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The judges particularly enjoyed this category, since rarely do they have the opportunity to trot out their advanced degrees in Comparative Scandalology. Their debate, which will be excerpted in the New York Review of Books prior to publication in hardcover, touched on the relative demerits of selling a Senate seat (Rod Blagojevich), selling out your class (Bernie Madoff), and selling out Neiman Marcus (Sarah Palin). Consequences were all over the map, from Lives Ruined, to Trust Undermined, to Undergarments Underlined. In the end, the decision rested on Style Points.

And the winner is…

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