Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal

It was admittedly a slow year for sex scandals, or at least a slow year for the perversions that inspired our ongoing Diaper Ratings. So many heterosexual couplings between consenting adults! It’s enough to make you lose faith in electoral democracy.

The judges resorted to an elaborate spreadsheet tallying Ironies Implied, Bastards Spawned, Ambitions Thwarted, and Wives Displayed. Vito Fossella and John Edwards each tallied a Bastard apiece, for example, while Fossella scored additional Irony chits for a 2004 commendation from President Bush. Eliot Spitzer lost pestorking points for the lack of offspring, but made a strong Irony showing with a notable “Stand By Your Man” moment from the missus. Tim Mahoney landed on the shortlist for carrying on his district’s tradition of Sex Scandal Superstar Mark Foley, and David Paterson subverted the entire system by managing not to create a scandal with his extracurricular intimacies.

And the winner is…

Eliot Spitzer. A Diamond is forever.

Next hour: Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year

The 2008 Stinque Awards

11 comments:

2:03 pm • Monday • December 29, 2008

To take a page from Brand W: No, not on your life, no, maybe, no.

2:13 pm • Monday • December 29, 2008

No contest.

Although I’m surprised and disappointed that I haven’t heard of little Vito getting hurt in a “gardening” accident due to Mrs Vito Number One.

2:27 pm • Monday • December 29, 2008

Spitzer wins if for no other reason than pestorking in his socks.

3:03 pm • Monday • December 29, 2008

Degree of difficulty, though, for Paterson, because he’s you can’t say that it’s wrong to say mean stuff about people who are differently abled you mean heartless bastard you.

[But I’m serious, though. You gotta find a lot of stuff during the physical act of love. Going for a squeeze of a bewbie and hitting air? Good effort, right intention, but non-optimal execution.]

3:10 pm • Monday • December 29, 2008

@chicago bureau: Well, if the urban legend about losing one sense leading to a heightening of the other four is true, then he probably does ok. (Hence the maybe.)

3:46 pm • Monday • December 29, 2008

Wow. I thought Edwards had this one in the bag. It’s not just the cheating on your wife. It’s the impregnating your hippy-dippy mistress that you employed on your presidential campaign while your wife is at home dying of cancer and taking care of your two little ones that really blows Spitzer’s socks off IMHO.

3:52 pm • Monday • December 29, 2008

@Jamie Sommers: The judges determined that as a sitting governor, Spitzer had the edge over a failed presidential candidate and fantasized AG nominee. Had the story broken during the primary campaign, Pretty Boy would have been an odds-on favorite.

11:58 pm • Monday • December 29, 2008

@Jamie Sommers: Yeah, and Edwards conceived his kid with the fucking space alien on the ship she flew in on.

12:39 am • Tuesday • December 30, 2008

@FlyingChainSaw: They rent rooms by the hour? What kind of coins does an alien “magic fingers” bed take?

3:39 am • Tuesday • December 30, 2008

i’m with jamie on this. i demand a recount.

reds, i remember thoses beds from my misspent youth in cheesy motels on school holidaze! funny story..i’m alone in a hotel room in italy taking a nap and the bed starts shaking. i start looking for the ‘magic fingers’ coin box to turn it off. i’m looking i’m looking, can’t find it. then it stops. i thought i was having an acid flashback. that night at a crowded dinner table, i heard, hey! did you feel the earthquake? no coins needed.

4:55 am • Tuesday • December 30, 2008

@baked: No bribes, no recount.

And say, you’re still in the Eastern time zone, right? It’s, um, important.

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