Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal
It was admittedly a slow year for sex scandals, or at least a slow year for the perversions that inspired our ongoing Diaper Ratings. So many heterosexual couplings between consenting adults! It’s enough to make you lose faith in electoral democracy.
The judges resorted to an elaborate spreadsheet tallying Ironies Implied, Bastards Spawned, Ambitions Thwarted, and Wives Displayed. Vito Fossella and John Edwards each tallied a Bastard apiece, for example, while Fossella scored additional Irony chits for a 2004 commendation from President Bush. Eliot Spitzer lost pestorking points for the lack of offspring, but made a strong Irony showing with a notable “Stand By Your Man” moment from the missus. Tim Mahoney landed on the shortlist for carrying on his district’s tradition of Sex Scandal Superstar Mark Foley, and David Paterson subverted the entire system by managing not to create a scandal with his extracurricular intimacies.
And the winner is…
Eliot Spitzer. A Diamond is forever.
Next hour: Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year