The famous Hirschfeld illustration for My Fair Lady features Eliza Doolittle on puppet strings controlled by Henry Higgins, who in turn is being manipulated by George Bernard Shaw, and that cat’s cradle reflects the tangle of this year’s finalists. Sarah Palin quickly graduated from Prop to Propmaster in less than a week, stringing Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston and Trig Palin in her wake. But the Palindrome wasn’t enough to entertain America, so Joe the Plumber was reeled in later to dance for the pleasure of all, gaining sufficient publicity to qualify for Best Celebrity Sex Tape Debut in the coming year.

And the winner is…

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You know it’s a stellar year for pugnacious pundrity when Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin aren’t even nominated. But the spectre of an America ruled by a radical terrorist islamofascist socialist foreign-born dictator who just happens to be black brought out everyone’s A-game and potty mouths.

Kathryn Jean Lopez represents the Corner baristas at National Review Online, whose spittle prompted millions of cyberdenizens to clean their monitors twice daily. Lanny Davis was the Go-To Hack whenever we needed to hear that white was black, up was down, and Hillary was winning. Bill Kristol brought so much smarm to the table, you feared the FDA would issue a cholesterol warning. Dick Morris reminded us why we shouldn’t have been surprised by Bill Clinton’s sleaze in support of his nominal spouse. And Jim Cramer scores a rare non-political nomination for telling everybody to buy Bear Stearns — just before it crashed.

And the winner is…

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Who can forget Hillary Clinton‘s chugfest? Or John Edwards’ Liver Girl? Or Sarah Palin‘s wink? Or John McCain‘s entire campaign? It was a fine year for pandering, from the gas-tax holiday to drill-baby-drill to you-betcha populism. Even Barack Obama got in on the act, supporting half of George Bush’s policies before the Republicans could nail him for being a Democrat.

And the winner is…

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You expect nothing to get done in an election year, but Mitch McConnell and Tom Coburn made an art of it, blocking legislation so adroitly that a bill to circumvent the latter was called the Tomnibus. Bob Corker, meanwhile, made high principle out of venality, throwing a wrench into the auto bailout that had nothing to do with the foreign non-union manufacturers in his state. But it took somebody from the Executive Branch to show the amateurs how it’s done, as Hank Paulson rolled a seven and eight zeros, no strings attached.

And the winner is…

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A mix of the world-historical with the world-hysterical makes for a fascinating Foreign Stinque field this year. Robert Mugabe shows that you don’t need to be President of the United States to drag your country into the ground, while Hu Jintao shows you can ignore the President of the United States with impunity, if your country is a big enough market. Nicolas Sarkozy just shows too much, on the other hand, while Stephen Harper shows how adorable a Canadian constitutional crisis can be. And Fidel Castro? Ten Presidents and counting.

And the winner is…

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This year’s judging barely got started when controversy erupted over qualifications for the Golden Helmet. Traditionalists argued that “best hair” clearly indicates newscaster-quality coifs, while revisionists countered that anything above the neck must be considered.

“Change” won the day, with nominations going to Bill Richardson for his Beard of Indecision, Joe the Plumber for his Scalp of Sanctity, and Joe Biden for his Plugz of Destiny. More conventional nominees included John Edwards, whose name couldn’t be mentioned without the room breaking out in cooing, and Rod Blagojevich, who may be the first criminal target to have his hair bugged.

And the winner is…

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Where the hell is the tympani? We ordered a tympani. And spotlights. We insisted. Shit.

Well, shine a flashlight at the ceiling and pat your tummy, because The 2008 Stinque Awards wait for no incompetent vendor. We’ll be announcing winners every hour today, leading up to the Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement at 4 p.m.

The 2008 Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy are dedicated to Muntader al-Zaidi, wielder of the Footwear That Changed the World. This year’s award is a handsome Crystal Shoe created exclusively for Stinque by 24-Hour Novelties & Box Wine SuperStore of Tarzana, California, which also dropped a pallet of fine rosés, blushes and rieslings in the garage. Remember their slogan: “If we don’t have it, you can probably find it at the next strip mall.”

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