Golden Helmet for Best Hair

This year’s judging barely got started when controversy erupted over qualifications for the Golden Helmet. Traditionalists argued that “best hair” clearly indicates newscaster-quality coifs, while revisionists countered that anything above the neck must be considered.

“Change” won the day, with nominations going to Bill Richardson for his Beard of Indecision, Joe the Plumber for his Scalp of Sanctity, and Joe Biden for his Plugz of Destiny. More conventional nominees included John Edwards, whose name couldn’t be mentioned without the room breaking out in cooing, and Rod Blagojevich, who may be the first criminal target to have his hair bugged.

And the winner is…

Rod Blagojevich. Just try looking away from it.

Next hour: Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Politician

The 2008 Stinque Awards

I’ve been told that Blago’s hair is actually an alien symbiote that was grafted onto his skull when he was a young man.

His corruption and stupidity? Blame the hair!!!

At least this is what the aliens from Omnicron Persii 8 are telling me when I take off my tinfoil hat.

I don’t think Johnny Earl should be in such company. Either the gross, wiry, thatch-jobs or the razor-stubble of the faux blue-collar worker.

Johnny Earl’s hair is clearly soft and thick. The word ‘lustrous’ comes to mind. It’s the kind of hair you want to run your fingers through after a particularly sweaty work-out. The kind of hair that makes you shop for product to leave anonymously on his desk to show you care deeply about his political message. Did you know that he was born in a mill town? Not many people do. It’s the kind of hair that makes you believe in the democratic process while you wonder what, if any, he has on the rest of his body. I suspect a fine smattering, a downiness, with a certain amount of discreet manscaping.

Benedick: Oh my sweet Jesus. You aren’t English at all. You’ve been faking it all this time. You are… Rielle.

As we have now exposed you, we beg you — get thee to a cosmetic surgeon who can have a look at that hideous beak of yours. (Not Michael Jackson’s surgeon. He kinda goes overboard.) Plz kthxbai.

When you see them lined up like that, there really is no contest. The poofiness of Blago’s do leave the rest in the dust.

Come on feel the Illinoize, bitches!

I heartily applaud this first selection of the judges. Perhaps we all need to be thankful for Governor Rod’s little financial indiscretions that have caused his face to be plastered all over every continent north of Antarctica. Without his late run at infamy this year I have a feeling that former Sen. Edwards would have been a shoo-in for this shoe.

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