June 2009 was a busy month. The Iranian uprising was in full flower. George Tiller had just been murdered. Michael Jackson gave up the ghost. And on June 24, America beheld one of the most marvelous days in South Carolina political history — so marvelous that Mark Sanford would be the hands-down winner of the 2009 Stinque Award for best sex scandal.

After all, “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” is just irresistible.

So irresistible that America might be forgiven for quickly forgetting John Ensign’s less-brandable scandal — which broke only a week before.

We mention all this because there’s been some partisan wang-wrangling this week over whether Weiner got a fair shake. What about David Vitter, goes the refrain. What about John Ensign?

To answer the first: We don’t have Sex Scandal Diaper Ratings for nothing.

And to answer the second: John Ensign got lucky.

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We feared we would have to Go Long On Weiner this morning, patiently explaining that it’s not the non-crime, it’s the non-criminal cover-up — “Weinergate”, indeed — and that whatever you might think about, say, hypocritical Republican calls for Weiner to resign while David Vitter still walks the Senate, the fact is, Weiner has become a national punchline (nice touch with the Bulging-Weiner-Briefs Dunking Mascot, Conan) and is a strategic liability, whose usefulness for any cause he espouses effectively ended at his confessional press conference Monday afternoon.

And then we saw this video and decided we could use a break.

Texas cinema texter becomes foul-mouthed movie star [The Register, via Sully]

Now that that’s over…

No, wait, one more: Stop staring at my weapon!

Okay, we done? Because there are Grave Issues facing Our Exceptional Republic, and we really must be moving on. Even if we’re just a man with a raging hard-on and we’re so fucking hard right now and dunno, woke up sweaty… and hard and we were hoping my fat cock would be a selling point too and you will surely make noise when I take you deep.

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As America enjoyed its Weinergate Money Shot yesterday afternoon, a curious trend emerged in our Twitter stream: Liberal Defensiveness.

“What about the lying-to-get-us-into-war story?” asked Harry Shearer. “But we still have Clarence Thomas bribery,” observed Steve Weinstein. “Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, George W. Bush, Alberto Gonzalez, & John Yoo and Jay Bybee, when they okayed & ordered torture? Fully erect,” snarked LitBrit. “I don’t remember Weiner campaigning as a Conservative Christian without faults. Newt did though,” observed Anomaly100. “Weiner has been identified for sending topless pics of himself, just like Bush was identified for killing thousands and ruining the economy,” grumbled TLW3.

All of which is true.

And none of which matters.

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Accounts differ regarding the method of alerting the colonists; the generally accepted position is that the warnings were verbal in nature, although one disputed account suggested that Revere rang bells during his ride.

A sentence added to the Paul Revere Wikipedia page at 2:31 p.m. Sunday by user Tomwsulcer.

2:46 p.m. User Dajames, Paul Revere talk page: “In the article on Paul Revere, someone has added false information in an effort to support Sarah Palin’s FALSE claims about Paul Revere… This must be removed as it is a LIE designed to mislead.”

2:50 p.m. Tomwsulcer: “A lie? If you follow Wikipedia’s rules, we must maintain a WP:NEUTRAL position, representing the mainstream position as well as disputed versions. I think the addition represents this fairly — the mainstream position is that Revere’s warnings were verbal, but there are differing accounts that the warnings were done with bells — with two sources: WDHD television plus a live interview, with a highly influential US politician relating these facts.”

2:50 p.m. Sentence deleted by CutOffTies.

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Capitol Hill. A congressional office. Marcia Kramer, a Comely Reporter for New York’s CBS 2, asks to speak to Randy Congresscritter Anthony Weiner. Brave Press Secretary David Arnold intercedes:

Kramer: “All I want is for him to say something to his constituents, the people who have to vote for him.”

Arnold: “I don’t think you can say he hasn’t said anything to his constituents. He spoke for nine hours yesterday.”

Kramer: “But not to anyone in New York. You know, this is the sort of in-the-bunker in the capitol, not to anyone in New York.”

What Comely Reporter Marcia Kramer doesn’t know is that Randy Congresscritter Anthony Weiner talked Wednesday night to Genial Mixologist Rachel Maddow, hosting from her spacious 30 Rock loft. But we’ll take Comely Reporter Marcia Kramer’s word that if CBS 2 doesn’t have it, it didn’t happen.

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The problem with — must we? — Weinergate is that you have no choice but to take the Red Pill: the prosecution and the defense are equally absurd, and you’re down the Rabbit Hole before you know it, desperately craving a drink.

Case in point: a hypothesis humbly proposed yesterday — CASE CLOSED! CONGRESSMAN WEINER WAS FRAMED! — by blogger Joseph Cannon, who offered conclusive proof that not only was Weiner’s yfrog account hacked, but how.

And, after spending a half-hour following his steps to confirm the procedure, we suddenly realized that he’s full of shit.

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