We Interrupt This Bulge

We feared we would have to Go Long On Weiner this morning, patiently explaining that it’s not the non-crime, it’s the non-criminal cover-up — “Weinergate”, indeed — and that whatever you might think about, say, hypocritical Republican calls for Weiner to resign while David Vitter still walks the Senate, the fact is, Weiner has become a national punchline (nice touch with the Bulging-Weiner-Briefs Dunking Mascot, Conan) and is a strategic liability, whose usefulness for any cause he espouses effectively ended at his confessional press conference Monday afternoon.

And then we saw this video and decided we could use a break.

Texas cinema texter becomes foul-mouthed movie star [The Register, via Sully]

@Benedick HRH KFC: How is it that the mighty Disney legal team hasn’t sued these pictures out of existence? These don’t exactly fit the “and they lived happily ever after” theme that Disney rams down our children’s throats at every opportunity, blissfully ignoring the truth that EVERY life has ups and downs.

I have several young relatives who could have left the same asinine message for being told they could not use their phones wherever they pleased. What spoiled brats! FSM knows what other trivial restriction will eventually set them off in a murderous rage with a legal automatic rifle.

awesome. my favorite working years were spent managing and bartending at a place like the alamo drafthouse. some folks forget that even though it’s a theater, it’s still a bar. bar employees not only enjoy humiliating idiotic customers but look forward to it. the comic relief is much needed and the stories of such are told over and over for years to come. so, show up and act like a fool and get yourself immortalized. in this case on film no less. there are so many funny stories from those days. if anyone has any good ones from their days waiting or tending, i’d love to hear them.

@mellbell: Is that chemo?

@Dave H: Fair use? Satire?

@jwmcsame: I was maitre d’ in a restaurant in London that catered almost exclusively to tourists. One night we got a very young arabian prince and his uncle come in late after the time it was legal to serve drink without food. I served them anyhow and they enjoyed themselves on the euro-trash disco floor. So they came back. I got them a very good table and they were having a good time till they ordered a bottle of Dom Perignon. The evening manager, who was detested by all the waitresses, insisted on serving it himself but didn’t know that the bartender, who also hated him, had given it a good shaking before handing it over. He popped the cork – in the dumbest manner possible, you should ALWAYS cover the cork and bottle neck with a napkin – and the entire contents of the bottle, it seemed, hit the prince’s face in one column of foaming bubbly. His silk suit was soaked. The entire staff was helpless with laughter. Mind you, he took it very well. Went out to the Roller, went to Claridge’s to change into another silk suit, and returned to dance the night away with the chippies provided by his uncle. Meantime, we did our best to get the table and chairs dry. The chippies were not amused.

@Benedick HRH KFC: as for the lower end of the social spectrum, we had a customer who obviously enjoyed pills. he would always order a carafe of nasty cheap burgundy to enjoy with his movie. he would always grab his wine, sit down, drink a glass of wine and then have to go piss. every time without fail he would wander back into the wrong theater. we had two screens. he never had a problem with the movie taking such a drastic change whilst he pissed but always complained that some one stole his wine….again, damn it. being a free market capitalist and all, i would go get his carafe from the other movie where he left it, top it off, and sell him the same wine twice apologizing all the while and reassuring him that when we finally caught that wine thief we would whup his ass real good.

@Benedick HRH KFC: Satire, and I think there’s a fine-art exception as well.

I’ve only seen three movies in a theater in the past four years for this very reason, and ironically all three of those viewings were at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin. The woman on phone sounds frighteningly like someone I know.

@jwmcsame: My best waitressing story is from 20 years ago and involves keeping a coworker who had a concealed handgun permit from going back into the break room to get her gun out of her purse after she and I waited on a party of 15 or 20 celebrants led by the stepfather of a well-known basketball player from my hometown, on the day that he was the first in the NBA draft (said player has recently announced his retirement). The restaurant was very high-end and it was all rounds of surf-and-turf, filet mignon, cocktails galore, and bottles and bottles of champagne. High bill comes – I’m talking like more than $5K (needless to say I was salivating at the thought of the automatic 17% tip split into two) – and the stepfather suddenly freaks out, starts screaming that the meat was too rare, the lobster was raw, that the other woman and I were the most terrible waitresses in the world and he would not pay the bill. About half of the people at the table looked like they wanted to die, the other half were egging him on. My manager, who was an awesome guy, went over and told him he needed to pay. Stepfather cursed him out and threatened to hurt him. My manager had the cordless phone on him – this was pre cell phone – and held it up and told the stepfather that he had 60 seconds before he was dialing 911, and furthermore he would be spreading the word and make sure that stepfather and his celebrity son were not allowed in any other high end restaurant in a 200 mile radius. Meanwhile, the other waitress said, “I need to get my gun” and so I chased after her. Stepfather left on about the count of 45, I got my coworker to keep her gun in her purse, and we went back out where about half of the table was sitting there stunned. My manager told them to get the fuck out, most of them emptied their wallets of their contents and handed the cash directly to me and the other waitress. Our manager told us to just keep whatever cash that we were given and that the restaurant would absorb the cost of the meal. And this NBA star and his family and his posse were blacklisted from any restaurant in the city that was better than a Red Lobster.

I also worked at a country club for a while and waited on George W. Bush when he was governor. The Texas state troopers surrounding him scared me so I didn’t say or do anything.

Best celebrity I ever waited on? David Robinson from the San Antonio Spurs. Sweet, polite, no throwing around “Do you know who I am?” and left a $150 tip on a $50 meal.

@SanFranLefty: Obviously your establishment did not get the memo stating that NBA guys do not have to pay. Some guy is suing an NBA guy now for failure to pay for several custom suits. He’ll never see a dime. At least they did not try to pull the Haynesworth Maneuver on you.


So was that shaq’s stepfather?
shaq’s stepfather

@SanFranLefty: awesome. my tales pale in comparison. but i’ll give it another shot about one of the two times i feared my own ass was about to get whupped bad. the biggest baddest customer we ever had at the real bar i worked at before the theater started drinking strong island teas which i shouldn’t have poured him at 11:00 am. some chick he was counting on hooking up with never showed and i foolishly kept pouring strong islands to drown his pain. after he insulted every one at the bar, i finally cut him off but told him if he went out to the patio to chill out for a few minutes, i would turn the tap back on. as soon as he hit the patio (with an illegally deadbolted outer exit), i locked him out locking the three deadbolts on the steel door to the patio. i was too dumb to realize that i had locked up a caged rabid animal such that he couldn’t escape and only escalated his anger. first he picked up a 100 lb table and started swinging it around and over his head, then he started trying to pull the steel door off it’s hinges and was slowly succeeding. i thought about running until i remembered that our baddest bouncer was due to clock in in a few minutes. this bouncer started for the tennessee vols at nose tackle along side reggie white. i was praying for the time clock to tick and mercifully it did before the door became unhinged. the bouncer who was shorter than the customer clocked in, calmly unlocked the steel door, ducked the 100 lb table the guy swung at him, grabbed the guy by his throat with one hand pinning him against the wall until the guy passed out and damn near died. it was the most amazing fight move i have ever seen and puts anything on mma to shame. we didn’t even have to call the cops and the bouncer nursed his victim back to his senses and called him a cab. plus, i didn’t get my ass kicked. moral of the story: don’t ever fuck with an SEC defensive lineman.

@redmanlaw: haynesworth is certifiably crazy. bad. when he arrived here at tennessee to play along side john henderson on our d line, he decided to prove himself in a pre-season practice real quick like. our best o lineman, spencer riley was all SEC and well known as some one with a temper and not to be fucked with. he and haynesworth went at it in their first practice in pads. riley won the fight and haynesworth was banished to the locker room only to return with a four foot steel pipe he had ripped from the locker room walls. it took the whole coaching staff (then head coach phil fulmer is a big bad dude himself) to restrain the freshman lunatic and make him turn loose the pole. of course this story was buried until haynesworth went to the titans as most stories of SEC player transgressions are. after he signed that big contract with the skins, he bought a boat so big it had to be hauled down I-81 and I-40 from dc to knoxville on a wide load rig so big it blocked traffic from maryland to georgia just so he could try to one up peyton manning and heath shuler. the boat was so big it couldn’t dock anywhere near neyland stadium and needed a special permit from TVA to navigate the tennessee river. he parked it in the middle of the river for a game here and barge traffic had to be diverted to avoid it. later big al got behind on the boat payments and some how the bank found some one brave enough to repossess it. it musta been the navy seals the bank hired for the job.

@redmanlaw: i almost forgot. haynesworth has sown seed all over east tennessee and to his credit makes the child support payments on time for now. there are at least 3 boys and two girls. just wait in about 18 years when the tennessee vols line up Marshall Mannning and Navy Shuler along side Big Als I,II, and III.

@redmanlaw: Hmmm, no comment. Was there a missing linque in your comment?

@SanFranLefty: this world is a very small place. shaq was here last nba off season and rumors are he may move here to be with his girlfriend. if i see him, i’ll see if i can shake loose that tab his posse skipped out on you on. after i do a shit load of pushups.

@jwmcsame: i’ll see if i can shake loose that tab his posse skipped out on you on.

Just stand 15 feet away from him, and odds are in your favor that he’ll miss.

@Nabisco: (rimshot)

Or is it rim-ball?

@jwmcsame: Thanks, doll. I want that money adjusted for inflation.

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