Finally, a New GOP Sex Scandal

200px-sen_john_ensign_official2Schtupping a staffer:

WASHINGTON — Republican  Sen. John Ensign of Nevada admitted Tuesday he had an extramarital affair with a member of his campaign staff. Ensign told The Associated Press in a statement, “I deeply regret and am very sorry for my actions.”


RENO — Stepping up his re-election campaign, Sen. Harry Reid says his Republican challenger Rep. John Ensign showed a “lack of maturity” in calling so quickly for President Clinton’s resignation.


Ensign defended his position on Monday and repeated his call for Clinton to resign.

“I think we are dealing with a very serious problem here. With what we know [this was prior to Starr report – ed.] and what we already knew, to me, the honorable thing to do would be to resign,” Ensign said in a telephone interview from Washington.

I eagerly await his resignation. And Vitter’s.

[memeorandum link]


Here’s a fun video – it’s about the stimulus, not marriage, but it’s still fun to watch a Frank smackdown of this douchebag.


Grownups. Man/Woman. No panda yiffing. I’m not seeing this going anywhere.

Yep, this is practically Democrat-level scandal material. So vanilla, le sigh.

ADD: I guess I’ll give him a half-diaper for being hypocritical about Clinton, but that’s pretty thin.

@Benedick: My scoring is weighted for the public office (or church office) held. Senate gets you 3 points, House gets you 2 … beyond that, there’s not much here. On the desk in the office? A few sex toys? Then it might have legs.

@Benedick: Why should we assume the staffer was a woman? None of the articles have said that.

@SanFranLefty: Good point. I’ll hold out for a hermaphrodite staffer with a clown fixation.

ADD: Gah! Clown sex. I just grossed myself out.

@blogenfreude: Or spanking. While dressed as a nun. And she could be… Elvis? Grasping at straws here, people.

@SanFranLefty: That’s why he “deeply regrets” it.

Kinda run of the mill, almost a campaign perk. Remember, politics is show business for ugly people.

@SanFranLefty: Had it been a man I think we’d have heard.

Yeah, I agree the lack of a fursuit of any kind limits this to below 6 diapers, and then the female/male aspect and the fact that all participants were adults limits it to no more than a 2. Bloggie, I’d love to give points for public office, but comon’, I mean, Republican so you know something illegal or immoral is going on. I give some pluses for the published quote condemning Clinton, but in the final analysis I have to give this meager effort a .75.

Not their best work by a long shot.

Was the staffer a mascot animal? Dead chick? Dead guy? What’s the angle?

Ensign on the most important institution EVAR (and it’s not the Senate):

“I believe that marriage should be defined as that between one man and one woman. You want to do what is ideal for children and all of the studies show that the ideal for children is to be in a household with a father and a mother.” [4/19/09]

“Mr. President, I rise today to speak on a topic that is very important. That is the preservation of the most important structure in our society.” [7/13/04]

@Tommmcatt doesn’t mind if he doesn’t make the scene: He’s the only snake-handling Pentecostal in Congress. That might add half a diaper.

Oooh, but Politico says that Ensign did pull a tacky Mayor Gavin Newsom move – the husband of the woman he was boinking was one of his staffers. And the affair was announced because he was too cheap to pay hush money to the husband.

@SanFranLefty: Right but the soccer-mom pestorking angle subtracts it – unless he was pestorking her on the roof of the mini-van during the games.

They might as well publish the more boring sex scandals, along with XXX photos, in Roll Call.

It could be like The Sun’s “Page 6 Girl.”

If only there were a way that a broomhandle and a freshly microwaved spinach quiche could be involved.

@Original Andrew:

Or an enema bag filled with banana cream pie custard. You could get a lot of mileage out of an enema bag filled with banana cream pie custard.


Nevada Republican Sen. John Ensign said Tuesday evening he is “truly sorry” about an affair he had last year with a campaign staffer, going public with an embarrassing admission about his marital infidelity.

Political insiders in the Senate and in Nevada told POLITICO that Ensign began an affair with a staffer several months after he separated from his wife. When Ensign reconciled with his wife, the sources said, he gave the aide a severance package and parted ways.

Sometime later, a Nevada source said, Ensign met with the husband of the woman involved and had what this source described as a positive encounter. Sources said that the man subsequently asked Ensign for a substantial sum of money – at which point Ensign decided to make the affair public.

A “severance package?” Is that what the Gross Old Perverts call it these days?

@Original Andrew: There’s a Bobbit joke lurking in there, I’m sure.

@Tommmcatt doesn’t mind if he doesn’t make the scene: So, it is true this guy filled this lady’s ass with custard and sucked it out again?


Fun fact: Ensign is the Senate’s only Pentacostalist and was a Promise Keeper. Remember them?


The core beliefs of the Promise Keepers, outlined in the Seven Promises, consist of the following:
A Promise Keeper is committed to honoring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer and obedience to God’s Word in the power of the Holy Spirit.
A Promise Keeper is committed to pursuing vital relationships with a few other men, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises.
A Promise Keeper is committed to practicing spiritual, moral, ethical and sexual purity.
A Promise Keeper is committed to building strong marriages and families through love, protection and Biblical values.

A Promise Keeper is committed to supporting the mission of his church by honoring and praying for his pastor and by actively giving his time and resources.
A Promise Keeper is committed to reaching beyond any racial and denominational barriers to demonstrate the power of Biblical unity.
A Promise Keeper is committed to influencing his world, being obedient to the Great Commandment (Mark 12:30-31) and the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20).

Oh Wendy Vitter, where are you when we need you, now more than ever! No court would convict you, sugar.

Isn’t there even one Republican Rep or Senator who’s recently pole-vaulted onto a double-ended black dildo?

Whaz this country coming to?


Snort! I just watched True Blood: Season One, and I’m imagining perky Sookie jumping in with her cuute little Leezeeanna accent and offering to chop it off.

Damn, spinach quiche sounds really good now.

@blogenfreude: Pentecostal? Guess he needs to learn to handle the snake in his pants!

*rimshot* /tip your waitress


See, I’m telling you, something like that would have legs, you know? I’d go 5, even 6 diapers for that.


He was just helping her with speaking in tongues. Chivalry!

@SanFranLefty: I did. Should be interesting when the names come out.

@Tommmcatt doesn’t mind if he doesn’t make the scene: Actually, without legs – man or woman – would put this so far off the diaper scale Pampers would have to invent an entirely new line of nappies.

@redmanlaw: Campaign staffers tend to be the dewy-eyed young people, too, there is that, how old was she?

@Original Andrew: Paid for with campaign funds? Is buying the silence of your paramours a legal use of campaign funds? Just wondering.

Our Governor Corzine, after his affair with the head of the State employees union, gave her millions, really, literally millions, but it was his own money, so though its ugly, no illegality.

@Nabisco: Hey, Sir Paul married a one-legged gold digger, and I am told thats awkward, you have to prop them up, during sex, they can’t hold themselves in the right position, tend to fall over onto the legless side.

And by the way, Stinquers, the draft, the initial version, of the deli website, is up, and I think its way cool, I am going to post the address at the secret hiding place; please respect that, I am a proud stinquer, but Mrs prom prefers not to be known, for very real and unavoidable reasons.

@Promnight: Yeah, but Paul loved the fact that she could fuck him in the ass all night long with the stump.

As far as republican scandals, the fact that Dick Cheney was still receiving 6 figure deferred compensation payments from Haliburton, while he was in office as VP, while his administration was giving out no-bid multi-billion dollar contracts to Haliburton, with whistle-blowers saying that he personally intervened to make sure these contracts got awarded, is worse than Teapot Dome and Watergate combined, and nothing, not a whimper, was ever raised, that was a 20 diaper scandal.

Ya know he’s a Mormon, right? ::goes to read comments::

ADD: My exmos got it wrong. Ensign is a “Mormon” name; he’s from Nevahda, etc., etc.


Yes, but that involves munnies, which isn’t as sexxy sexxy as a Senator and a staffer doing tha nasty in a coat closet or on the hood of a 1983 Jaguar.

That’s the minimum threshold for getting the publix infinitesimal attention span.

TJ/ Yo! The exmos are giving me totally conflicting information. I need to buy a flash drive tomorrow. I’m going to the public library Thursday to search and download forms from three DBs. I have no idea how many forms I’ll end up with.

I thought OCR scanned docs take up more space than word docs and regular pdfs. I don’t know what I’ll be looking at. Anyhoo…

What size flash drive should I buy? I have to go to a brick-and-mortar store, and I found 16 GB at Radio Shack for $40. I’m taking my computer so I can transfer right there if I buy a smaller drive and run out of space.

Any ideas?

@JNOV takes a little english to doctor the spin: Eeek. 16G USB drives are available for 20-30 dollar range now. Microcenter has house versions near the cash registers at their stores for even less, although the quality control is inferior. Any possibility of just taking the laptop and an ethernet cable and throwing it on the network to download what you need from the DBs? If you’re a Mac’er this could be easier than even using a flash drive.

@FlyingChainSaw: Got a Mac — will take an ethernet cable, but I think my only choices are printing or flash drive. I’ll call the library tomorrow and ask about the ethernet deal.

ADD: You still haven’t responded to my marriage proposal. My kid loves you, so there will be no step-daddy issues…

@SanFranLefty: Like that trouser snake on the cover of the Rolling Stone?

@Promnight: What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen.


No diapers for this unlucky contestant. Perstorking a staff members wife? Without a hint of kink in the reportage? C’mon, he could do better than that.

Between editing J. Peterman catalog blurbs for preppy people who fancy themselves outdoorsmen, he should have been perstorking Elaine. She had great hair, that one.

Really, it’s as boner-shrinking as John Edwards bonking his videographer while his wife suffered through chemo. More so.

Blogenfreude, I sincerely appreciate your talent for sniffing out the GOP generic politico-fucktwattery, but this just doesn’t rise to the level I’ve cum to expect from the high standards of Stinque reportage. That said, I look forward to breathlessly await your next expose.


I loved loved loved that car on The Equalizer!

@Nabisco: Positions you never before thought possible!


Cum to think of it, the ho’s at the Department of the Interior were having coke-fueled orgies with the oil and gas lobbyists and no one gave a shit. What do ‘murrikins get riled up about these days anyways? (Other than two duudes or two laydees who wanna get hitched.)

@Original Andrew: What do ‘murrikins get riled up about these days anyways?

Taxes of course!

@Pedonator: Taxes that support the illegal Messicans, to be precise.

@SanFranLefty: That might be my cue to insert an excerpt from an “open letter” received tonight at Stinque HQ:

NOTE: The enclosed links and attachments provide the ‘bibliography’ and ‘footnotes’ for this commentary and include peer-reviewed authors and materials as well as government websites and resources. Approximately 30 pages of references with 90 pages in total.

Something to do with ideological extremists, “Keynesian-consumerist driven and government-controlled lifestyles,” and “the very air you breath is now being taxed.”

Well, we’ve certainly been mortgaging it the past century and a half.

@SanFranLefty: Exactly. And we all know it’s un-American and certainly anti-Capitalist (and thus, anti-Democracy) to encourage and subsidize the indiscriminate breeding of poor rich people.

(Is it not a hallmark of the Oligarchy to conflate economic and political systems in the hive-mind of the mainstream-media-pacified sheeple?)

@nojo: Are we not mortgaging the very air we breathe? Are we not being taxed by the corporations who spew noxious toxins into our air, water and soil without any credible risk analysis or plan for mitigation?

I freely choose to put certain toxins into my body, but what about the incredible stew of chemicals corporate giants have decided I will absorb into my tissues, simply because I am human and I must breathe and eat and drink?

Why do THEY get to decide which ingredients are put into the soup of the biosphere?

I guess that’s a rhetorical question.


Plastic is gonna be the new black. Because incinerators in poor communities is too boring and depressing. And doesn’t affect you.

TJ/ We were getting robo-calls from NOM cleverly disguised as a ‘survey’. After my initial measured response of shrieking out the window I lurked till the next one came and went along with it promising, in the end, to donate money. So. Night before last I got a call from James (one of my people I suspect) asking for money and I let the poor sod have it. So now I’m off their calling list. I also called my state representative – try living in NY and saying that with a straight face – to bring this matter to his attention. So now I can rest easy. I have done my duty.

I also found home phone numbers to a couple of the board members for NOM but can’t bring myself to use them. It seems somehow… rude.

Anyway, pointless story to start my day. Oh yes, scandals. I suppose he gets points for risible hypocrisy but honestly I think this is one more indicator that the bottom has fallen out of the GOP. They can’t even put together a decent sex-scandal any more.

I’m counting the days till Bruno.

@Benedick: I can only imagine the phone call. Sounds like a comedy of the absurd. Some Indian guy in Bangalore named Mitesh affecting a Southern accent and ‘meriken name to do a push-pull interview/fundraiser for the marriage bigots interviewing a ghey British king of the theatre.

@SanFranLefty: Actually he was American. Sounded young – 20s – and I would not have been at all surprised to learn that his boyfriend’s name is Derrick. Calling from DC. Or at least from their main number. I know because I called back. I used the word ‘shameful’ perhaps more than was entirely necessary. He sounded quite scared and assured me that our number would be removed. What puzzles me (though not that much) is why they would call us in the first place. The phone is in the OH’s name and we’re both registered Democrats. So what mailing list did they rent?

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