It seemed a good idea at the time: Launch a satellite into the vast universe, include a recording of the people of Earth saying Hello. And when Voyager finally landed on a distant unknown planet, the inhabitants were happy to send back a mechanical ambassador — biological travel being too dangerous — who would speak to us in our own language. Only there was a scratch on the Golden Record, the words were lost in retranslation, and now we’re on the verge of interstellar war because that fucking lying robot pisses the hell out of us.

In other words: Mitt Romney is Carl Sagan’s fault.

And with that fabulously tortured metaphor out of the way, we welcome you to our GOP Convention Open Thread/ConfabulationCon. Hey, have you heard about the Mormon drinking game? Take a swill every time Mitt tells the truth!

Four years ago, after spending a few days thoroughly enjoying the zany mishaps of the budding Sarah Palin candidacy, she grabbed somebody else’s speech by the horns and schooled us in the dangers of believing our own caricatures. And in an alternate universe where Mitt isn’t shitting his magic underwear over the Wingnut base, Chris Christie might have given us similar pause.

But Christie’s not up tonight. Instead, Mitt chose a physically overcompensating brown-nosing weenie whose claim to fame is seriously advocating those Death Panels you’ve been hearing about. So while you join us for our GOP Convention Open Thread/Dog Whistle-Off tonight, just remember: Paul Ryan makes Sarah Palin look competent.

You know, the GOP Platform has been kept under official wraps until it was voted on.  But now it is up and available for view, at the link below:

YOU CAN CONTROL WOMEN AND BEND THEM TO YOUR WILL BY USING ONE OLD, WEIRD TRICK

So we will need your help to crowdsource this mother (AND FATHER IN A STABLE FAMILY AS HAS BEEN DONE FOR CENTURIES) while we watch, along with you, the first (or second) day of the GOP clambake, for which an OPEN THREAD is in order (notwithstanding objections from Ron Paul groupies).

Let’s get this one out of the way, shall we? It’s an Obligatory RNC Post, similar to the later requirement about the “We Built This” speech to be held in a publicly funded stadium.

[via @daveweigel]

“A Republican candidate for Hillsborough County Sheriff said Wednesday that he believes elective abortions are unlawful and he wouldn’t reject the use of deadly force to stop them… [Frank] Szabo said he doesn’t have any background in law enforcement, but he said his business background gives him the experience to run for the position of sheriff.” [WMUR, via TPM]

From Stinque Book Club selection The Tyranny of Clichés: How Liberals Cheat in the War of Ideas: “Jonah Goldberg’s first book, Liberal Fascism, was a number one New York Times bestseller. A fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, he is the founding editor of National Review Online and has twice been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.” The Pulitzer part? Well, no. [MSNBC]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

MICHAEL, an African-American poll worker.

UNIDENTIFIED POLL WORKER, an unidentified poll worker.

JODIE BRUNSTETTER, wife of North Carolina state senator Peter Brunstetter, who sponsored legislation to put an anti-gay marriage amendment on the state ballot.

CHAD NANCE, a Winston-Salem freelance journalist.

SCENE

An early-voting site at the Forsyth County Government Center in downtown Winston-Salem.

CURTAIN

MICHAEL: “I had my back to her like this. She said, ‘The reason my husband wrote Amendment 1 was because the Caucasian race is diminishing and we need to, uh, reproduce.'”

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