GOP Platform & Day One OPEN THREAD

You know, the GOP Platform has been kept under official wraps until it was voted on.  But now it is up and available for view, at the link below:

YOU CAN CONTROL WOMEN AND BEND THEM TO YOUR WILL BY USING ONE OLD, WEIRD TRICK

So we will need your help to crowdsource this mother (AND FATHER IN A STABLE FAMILY AS HAS BEEN DONE FOR CENTURIES) while we watch, along with you, the first (or second) day of the GOP clambake, for which an OPEN THREAD is in order (notwithstanding objections from Ron Paul groupies).

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Good grief. Even the front matter is alarmist:

This platform is dedicated with appreciation and reverence for: The wisdom of the Framers of the United States Constitution, who gave us a Republic, as Benjamin Franklin cautioned, if we can keep it.

I’m scared to read the Table of Contents. But I think I have to, because if I do not do so, AMERICA DIES.

I’d pay good money to get thrown out of Boehner’s bar. Would be the crowning achievement of my drinking career. (Incidentally: one more year, and i’m Drinking Hall of Fame eligible.)

Just saying.

OK, enough of Agent Orange. Paragraph One of Chapter One (in re: jobs) —

We are the party of maximum economic freedom and the prosperity freedom makes possible. Prosperity is the product of self-discipline, work, savings, and investment by individual Americans, but it is not an end in itself. Prosperity provides the means by which individuals and families can maintain their independence from government, raise their children by their own values, practice their faith, and build communities of self-reliant neighbors. It is also the means by which the United States is able to assert global leadership. The vigor of our economy makes possible our military strength and is critical to our national security.

See, that’s their freakin’ problem RIGHT THERE.

If you aren’t prosperous, not only will you not be independent from government — ignore the whole “regulating sexytime” thing, because that comes later — but you will NOT have the means to (a) practice your faith, or (b) help your neighbors out.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is FUCKED UP.

Paragraph Three of Chapter One, First Sentence:

Republicans believe in the Great American Dream, with its economics of inclusion, enabling everyone to have a chance to own, invest, build, and prosper.

(1) It’s now the “Great” American Dream. Because American Dream v1.0 was so awful to begin with.

(2) “Economics of inclusion.” That’s the first moment of total-lack-of-self-awareness in this thing. It won’t be the last.

(3) “Enabling everyone to have a chance.” See? Moment No. 2. I mean, I have a chance of hitting 20-Black on the roulette wheel five times in a row. It’s a chance!

More Page One for ya:

Because the GOP is the Great Opportunity Party [GAG…. -Ed.], this is our pledge to workers without jobs, families without savings, and neighborhoods without hope: together we can get our country back on track, expanding its bounty, renewing its faith, and fulfilling its promise of a better life.

So: unless we elect Mittens, we cannot “renew our faith.” Gee whiz.

Most of the usual suspects, but some interesting fucked-up-ness in the margins:

Criminals injured in the course of their crimes should not be able to seek monetary damages from their intended victims or from the public.

Sure, it *sounds* OK – but a RW-slanted reading of this winds up implying that Rodney King shouldn’t have been able to sue for damages.

Oh, and the bit shortly above that about student loans is precious as well:

The federal government should not be in the business of originating student loans; however, it should serve as an insurance guarantor for the private sector as they offer loans to students.

Privatizing profits and socializing losses, anyone?

Finally, the implication that environmental regulation should be pushed back to the states is equally bizarre – did walls along state borders all the way up to the stratosphere suddenly appear without me noticing?

@al2o3cr: Ending FAFSA student loans. Sure, GOP. Sell THAT shit to soccer moms. Go ahead. I dares ya.

OK — nitty gritty on the jobs front and… hoo, boy….

Taxes, by their very nature, reduce a citizen’s freedom. Their proper role in a free society should be to fund services that are essential and authorized by the Constitution, such as national security, and the care of those who cannot care for themselves.

Should I create an escrow account for all the alignments I’m gonna have to shell out for on account of potholes? No, wait: an INDIVIDUAL CAR-REPAIR ACCOUNT! Make the ICRA tax-free and I’m SOLD.

More tax nonsense:

Reform the tax code by reducing marginal tax rates by 20 percent across-the-board in a revenue-neutral manner…

And that’s on TOP of keeping the Bush Tax Cuts (along with standard-issue capital gains, estate tax, and other GOP boilerplate platform planks).

Yeah.

When my mom suggested she might vote for Romney (she lives in MD) I reminded her that she has 2 grandchildren with Type 1 diabetes. There will be no stem cell research in this country if Mittens gets elected. Shut her right down.

MSNBC goes to commercial while Janine Turner riffs on Obama’s dream of destroying America etc. etc. Some high-level crazy, right there.

@blogenfreude: Women have IMMENSE abilities to shut down bad things, you know.

And more tax bullshit:

In any restructuring of federal taxation, to guard against hypertaxation of the American people, any value added tax or national sales tax must be tied to the simultaneous repeal of the Sixteenth Amendment, which established the federal income tax.

[Golfclap.]

Here you go, fighters in the rEVOLution —

President Reagan, shortly after his inauguration, established a commission to consider the feasibility of a metallic basis for U.S. currency. The commission advised against such a move. Now, three decades later, as we face the task of cleaning up the wreckage of the current Administration’s policies, we propose a similar commission to investigate possible ways to set a fixed value for the dollar.

Yes, yes! It was rumored, but here it is: GOLD STANDARD FTW!

In re housing —

Compliance with regulatory standards should provide a legal safe harbor to guard against opportunistic litigation.

SUBPLOT! SUBPLOT!

CB, you have a much stronger stomach for this than me. Thanks for condensing the BS to a more manageable size. I think I’ll stick to ignoring the TV this week.

Janine Turner? I thought she disappeared from the face of the earth when Northern Exposure ended.

@Dave H: No, Janine Turner still graces the Texas landscape along with turdblossom Chuck Norris

@Dave H: You give me too much credit. I read six pages of the platform and had to have a lie-down. I mean, think about this section title: “International Trade: More American Jobs, Higher Wages, and A Better Standard of Living.” The spin gets rolling before the idea even forms.

Floor Recap: Kasich proves he’s the brains of the operation, which says little; Fallin whines every time she breathes; McDonnell spends 10 minutes without mentioning ladybits (a new record); and Scott Walker is still creepy-looking.

Anyways: let’s skip to the end of the platform — the last chapter, entitled… “American Exceptionalism.” Which is defined thusly:

We are the party of peace through strength. Professing American exceptionalism—the conviction that our country holds a unique place and role in human history—we proudly associate ourselves with those Americans of all political stripes who, more than three decades ago in a world as dangerous as today’s, came together to advance the cause of freedom.”

And thus: nothing happened before 1981.

Turned on PBS just in time for Scott “It’s A Boy, Mrs.” Walker.

And one thing that is critical to preserving American Exceptionalism? Yep.

The members of our military should be treated with the utmost respect and dignity. We reject the use of the military as a platform for social experimentation and will not accept attempts to undermine military priorities and mission readiness.

“Social experimentation.” Oooo-OOOOOO-ooooh. That’s fancy talk.

And this is the money shot, I think:

The spiritual welfare of our troops and retired service members should be a priority of our national leadership. With military suicides running at the rate of one a day, with post-service medical conditions, including addiction and mental illness, and with the financial stress and homelessness that is often related to these factors, there is an urgent need for the kind of counseling that faith-based institutions can best provide. We support rights of conscience and religious freedom for military chaplains and people of faith. A Republican Commander in Chief will protect religious independence of military chaplains and will not tolerate attempts to ban Bibles or religious symbols from military facilities. We will enforce and defend in court the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) in the Armed Forces as well as in the civilian world.

That’s all in one paragraph. The segue between military suicides and DOMA is downright profane.

@chicago bureau: Are the old Rummy-Cheney farts still bragging about Ollie North, the contras, and sending arms to Iran to get the prisoners released? Way to set the bar high, boys.

And more:

The effectiveness of our foreign aid has been limited by the cultural agenda of the current Administration, attempting to impose on foreign countries, especially the peoples of Africa, legalized abortion and the homosexual rights agenda.

Uganda? COME ON DOWN! And your Little League team is just ADORABLE, by the way. Have you been working out? You look great!

@chicago bureau: It’s that nutjob Harry Truman and desegregating the military that caused all the problems.

WE INTERRUPT THIS DRY READING OF BULLSHIT FOR A LIVE DEMONSTRATION — IT’S RICK SANTORUM!!

Rick Santorum’s kid enrolled in the Citadel. And thus ends the prologue.

Actively campaigning for return to 1923 social setup. Yeah. That makes sense.

All you all fucking before marriage are HURTING AMERICA, AND HURTING FREEDOM. Noted.

Psst. Rick…. don’t mention immigration. Not in the spirit of the times.

And writing a memo to change the law? God — did this guy watch teevee in the last decade?

“I shook the hand of the American Dream.” SHOOT ME.

Nicholas Cage is playing Rick in the dramatization of this horseshit. Book it.

And, scene. Now — Ted Cruz. With no podium — novel, this.

@JNOVjr: It took him a week and a half. You give me a week and a half, and I can figure out how Canada is seeking to control us through hockey players sent here to debase our society. And not just the goons, but the skill players too. Especially the skill players.

Sidney Crosby is merely the first step to the next coming of Stalin. Did you know that? IT’S TRUE!

Co-opting famous socialist minister and civil rights fighter for Tea Party aims? Check.

Standing on shoulders of Ronald Reagan? Check.

Hating on Cuba? Check.

Props to oil industry? Check.

Hat-tip to Spanish speakers? Check.

You know what? I’ve heard “crushing debt” scores of times tonight. “Obamacare?” Barely a passing mention.

A lot of layers to that onion.

Another War on [Concept]?

Really — “War on Small Business” is really, really clunky.

The heads on MSNBC are noting that Mittens’s policies are barely being mentioned. Point, them.

God, Artur Davis. He’s bringing the funny. And some of it is legit ha-ha. But he follows up with hoo-ha. Which is disappointing, really.

Uh-oh — “individual mandate.” TURN BACK! GO NO FURTHER! ROMNEYCARE ALERT!!

Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa. Denying the existence of any powerful class? It rings hollow.

Oh, and LBJ reached across the aisle only to crush people across the room. That’s a fact.

And that’s enough for now. I need to rest up for Christie. Have fun with Ann Romney, kids.

Oh dear god, who told her to wear that hideous orange jacket? ANd against the blue background? MY EYEEEEEES. Did she just get done with her community service?

Ann Romney: “Women work the hardest. Men don’t understand what it’s like to have a hard life.”

Like, shit, bro. I’m all for breaking through the glass ceiling and everything, but. Damn.

The nice thing about being so busy at work is that I get to depend on you guys for the recap of all this foolishness.

I experience enough foolishness directly, daily, thanks very much.

@JNOVjr: When you are breastfeeding three kids and holding down a 50-hour-a-week job we’ll have a conversation on this topic, kiddo.

/gumpy middle-aged queen kvetching.

Odd about this Ann Romney recap: everybody’s softpedaling any criticism of her. Which makes sense. But some parts of that speech were just grating.

Rutgers. Public school. On the GI Bill.

@chicago bureau: Social experimentation = assfucking.

‘Cuz the butt caused the end of many civilizations, dont’cha know.

Love v Respect. That’s New Jersey for you.

Don’t love us because we’re beautiful. In fact: don’t love us at all. Fuck you all — we’re going to rule like kings, dammit!

Oh, the third rail of politics is public unions now. Look out, grandma!

America is the diver, but there’s no water in the pool.

@chicago bureau: “May God bless Rockefeller, may God bless Henry Ford, God bless big coal, and oil, and steel, give them their just reward! May God bless sex appeal, when wealthy men get bored! God keep their faith and spirits high! Make sure no earthly court will try the rich, oh lord!”

The Republican Platform, as given to us by Kurt Weil and Bertold Brecht.

Yeah, the American people have been coddled to NO END.

Oh, and “our seniors are not selfish.” God almighty — has he seen anybody living on a fixed income?

>They believe in teachers’ unions
>We believe in teachers

It’s funny because my teachers believe in teachers’ unions.

Well, the message has gone out, and everybody besides Frothy got the memo.

DON’T FUCKING TALK ABOUT LADYBITS.

Oh, dear — the fact checking on that “between woman and doctor” bit. Bring it, all you people who pay attention for five fucking minutes.

That “real leaders change polls” line? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Well, Chris Christie has “angry man” down cold.

@Tommmcatt May Just Have Some MJ In His System As Well, So What?: Oh, and I didn’t mean to minimize your experiences or anything. I just don’t like when people tell me how easy I have it because I was born with a penis. I mean. I know there’s a fuckton of stuff that women have to deal with that will never be a problem for me. I was raised by my mother, after all. It’s just that . . . stuff sucks for me, too, you know?

Chrishti is a schippter schpitter wipe down the podium

@JNOVjr: True, but they have us beat on the work thing, little brother. Biology is sometimes destiny, for good or ill.

And thus ends Day One. And… I’m totally spent.

Hack out the rest of the damn platform for yourselves. I’ll wake up in the morning and see where the GOP handed the wheel to J.P. Morgan. Even though the man’s been dead for decades, thanks to your sleuthing.

Or not.

Night.

P.S.: Rachel was NOT IMPRESSED. I mean, more bent that I thought she’d be.

@chicago bureau: Christie turned down Mitt because this year’s a disaster, but that was a 2016 speech. Dude’s a born campaigner — everything Mitt isn’t.

@JNOVjr: Bryan Fischer is somebody I try to ignore most of the time, since he’s paid to say fucked-up things that open Wingnut wallets. Libtard condemnation just feeds the beast.

In other words: Professional troll.

I caught five minutes early on then pretended to be having a stroke so I didn’t have to watch any more. The hubby came out 5 minutes later ashen faced having noticed that these people are fascists. I had to ring for a fresh jug of Pim’s cup brought in while we looked over that How to Move to France website I’m so fond of.

Kudos to all who watched so we didn’t have to. If it smells you’re in it.

@Tommmcatt May Just Have Some MJ In His System As Well, So What?: Is that from Happy End? I was in that in London. I must sing Surabaya Johnny for you some time. It is perfectly placed for a tenor voice and is quite a treat. I like that show a lot apart from the silliness at the end.

@JNOVjr: She most likely spent the day scrubbing the floors and making sure all the boys had their pants on.

@nojo: He gets all the gay blogs in a lather at least twice a day. But who would know that better than you?

@Benedick: You win the prize, my friend. The play so bad Brecht gave it to his secretary. Her name us still on it. Surabaya Johnny is lovely though, you’re right. I think the end is mostly about subverting the dominant narrative structure by capitulating to it. Such as.

Re: Fake stroke. Did anyone notice?

@chicago bureau: Hack out the rest… for yourselves.

If only they made a machete big enough.

@Benedick: “More people switch to Cox.”

The cable company commercials here are always good for an adolescent giggle.

@Tommmcatt May Just Have Some MJ In His System As Well, So What?: The story is that Brecht’s wife, Helen Weigel, who created The Fly, simply stepped forward at the finale and spouted crap about shite. Up till that point the show’s pretty good. And the score is ravishing, all kinds of great songs.

I played Baby Face on account of my overwhelming cuteness plus buns o’ steel. Funny story: The IRA phoned in a bomb threat that closed all the West End theatres on a Saturday matinee and had us evacuate to a nearby pub (I expect you were pole dancing at the time). As if Limey actors need an excuse to get shitfaced.

Who is that NY pol who funneled money to the IRA? Steve King? He has much to answer for. Happy times.

@chicago bureau:

A money shot indeed, given the rocks that Weinstein and the MRFF have been turning over – this isn’t your garden-variety “oh, the librals hate Jeebus” nonsense, there’s a subset of the military leadership that has been pushing a platform that’s basically Taliban theology with the imaginary friend swapped out…

@chicago bureau: You are a super trooper. I stayed far, far, away from any television, radio, or computer as I figured I’d either stroke out or destroy electronic equipment, or both.

@Benedick: What’s the URL for that Move to France website? I thought we were all moving to Iceland or New Zealand, but I can handle France.

@JNOVjr:
I just don’t like when people tell me how easy I have it because I was born with a penis white. I mean. I know there’s a fuckton of stuff that women non-white folks have to deal with that will never be a problem for me. I was raised by my mother, after all. It’s just that . . . stuff sucks for me, too, you know?

Does that sound wrong to you? Yeah, there you go. Disavowals of male privilege are just as unpalatable as disavowals of white privilege. i.e. You’re swimming in it. But don’t worry, a man wrote that line for Ann anyway.

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