Anal Probes

Stinque Analysis: REAL AMERICAN! ALEX WUBBELS’ HEROISM COULD HAVE STOPPED COPS FROM FRAMING CRASH VICTIM! NO GODS BEFORE HER!

Salt Lake City nurse and hero of the Republic Alex Wubbels may well have prevented Utah state and Salt Lake City cops from apparently attempting to slur the character or frame the victim of a car-and-truck crash precipitated by Utah Highway Patrol’s provocation of a high-speed car chase with the loser of the hour on July 26.

Wubbels mild and plain-spoken heroism exposed her to a violent assault and unlawful detainment by an apparently intriguing police officer on July 26 apparently attempting to set up an evidentiary framework to prove that the victim of the car crash bore some or all liability for the injuries in the crash their recklessness precipitated.

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They’re Coming! They’re Coming!

Resistance is Futile.

Matthew Bennell: [dials his phone] I’ll get the police.

Telephone Operator: [voice] Police.

Matthew Bennell: Officer, I’d like to report four bodies in my backyard.

Telephone Operator: Wait right there Mr. Bennell.

Matthew Bennell: How do you know my name?

Jack Bellicec: [Jack’s eyes widen with fear] Hang up, Matthew.

Matthew Bennell: [into the phone] I didn’t tell you my name.

Jack Bellicec: Hang up!

Matthew Bennell: [hangs up the phone] I didn’t tell them my name!

Nancy Bellicec: That’s because they’re all part of it. They’re all pods, all of them!

Trump’s Millennial Outreach Backfires With Jokes and Memes [Hollywood Reporter]

I’ll Sniff Your Butt If You Lick My Balls

Now come here and give us a big kiss.

[via Sully]

Office Space

Next time you’re stuck in a deadly long and boring conference call, just try to visualize it happening in real time and in real space.

Congress Passes Wind Something

The teabaggers caved.

We still have a government. (Mostly).

And somewhat of an economy. (Mostly).

And Ted Cruz is still a douche. (Abso-fucking-lutely)

And John Boehner is still a spineless drunk. (Oh hayell yes).

Carry on, America and world. Nothing to see here.

What’s the over/under on the teabaggers starting impeachment proceedings by MLK Day?

Yeah, I bet you're dying for a martini or 5.

Rage Ignores the Machine

Here, gentlemen. Punch your way out of this.Universal gun-purchase background checks “failed” in the Senate today, 54 to 46.

That’s 54 votes in favor. In Constitutional terms, more than half. Which is also generally regarded as winning.

Except for, y’know, the “filibuster”. Which is defined as “some internal Senate rule that has nothing to do with Article I, Section 3, and can be easily dismissed at will.”

White House spokesbot Jay Carney was angry, but he promised the Administration wouldn’t quit: “We believe there is a path, a very difficult path, to get to 60 votes.” White House spokesbot Jay Carney did not mention that the “very difficult path” is only there because Harry Reid wimped out on getting rid of it.

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We Have Impure Thoughts About Hate-Fucking Supreme Court Justices…

“If we cannot have moral feelings against homosexuality, can we have it against murder? Can we have it against other things?” —Antonin Scalia, reminding America which way he would have voted on Dred Scott. [The Hill]