Alternative Explanations

  • Portal to another dimension
  • Homunculus sundeck
  • Asshole skin graft

  • Cuckoo door
  • Horcrux storage
  • Martian helipad
  • Devin Nunes saferoom
  • Worn tread
  • A lifetime of unyielding narcissism revealed by a billowy gust of wind
  • Where Putin’s hand goes
Donald Trump’s Hair Illusion Came Undone and We All Missed It [New York]

– What one of his 70 yo testicles must look like

>gouges out her eyeballs with an ice cream scoop<

@peggynooner: HAHAHAHAHA! I’ve missed you, Hun! <3

Hey, so that Porter wife beater guy? Mormon.

TSSC (The So-called Church) has these untrained lay bishops who are “called” by god via some other clueless dude (usually the Stake President), and they do things like “interview” teens…alone…about masturbation (“tie your hand to the bedpost”), sexual exploration (“no one wants a licked cupcake”), sexual orientation (“I’d rather my child be dead than be gay”), rape (“if you are still alive, you didn’t fight enough and the rape is your fault”).

None of those are exaggerations and are close to verbatim.


TSCC tells Mormons to go to the bishop with relationship problems and all that good stuff. The bishop does not report sexual assault, even those of a child, to police. TSCC might say that they do, but that’s rarely the case.

Do Mormons beat the shit out of each other more regularly than others? Probably not. Does TSCC minimize it? Absolutely. Does the TSCC actively hide it? Every damn day.

That’s some freaky assed Baron Vladimir Harkonin shit right there. Don’t get too close or he might pull out your heart plug.

@JNOV: I was surprised that Porter dude had been married and divorced twice already. Did I miss the part where Mormons became A-OK with divorce?

Make It Stop

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far and they would do almost anything for even a few glorious minutes of respite. “We’re on our hands and knees, pleading with you to make it all go away once and for all. What’s it going to take? Jesus Christ, just stop it! Stop it right now!” At press time, sources confirmed that they knew deep down it was never going to stop.

@¡Andrew!: They’re okay with divorce because of sealing.

Those ugly ugly ugly bigass building are temples, and you can’t go in if you’re not a Mormon who tithes 10% and passes the bishop interview and blah blah. Kids only go into them to perform baptisms for the dead (AKA Dead Dunking). People try to have their shit together enough to be married in the temple where people get their secret names and shit. A man will know his wife’s temple name, but a wife doesn’t know her husband’s. He needs to know her name so when they’re dead and he’s resurrected, he can call her from the grave (pull her through the veil). You have to keep going back to that crazy place to do proxy work for dead folks (like sealings and stuff), on a regular basis.

You’re sealed in the temple. That means you’re married for eternity. While you’re on Earth, you’re only married for time. IOW, no matter what happens later, you’re stuck with that dude, even if you get divorced, in eternity.

Dudes can be sealed to as many women as they like, but women can only be sealed to one dude. It is very hard for a woman to be unsealed from an ex-husband, but if a man wants to be unsealed from an ex-wife, that’s no biggie. But why would a dude want to be unsealed from anyone? More wives in heaven. No matter what TSCC says about polygamy, it’s a huge part of Mormonism – you need a bunch of wives to have sex with to make spirit babies that will populate your planet.

While divorce is not a happy outcome, it happens, and men don’t care too much if they can snag another wife.

If Porter’s ex-wives are still sealed to him, and if they are True Blue Mormons, the exes believe that they will be stuck with that asshole forever.

@JNOV: That’s some serious Handmaid’s Tale shit, OMFG.

OK, so I recently rocked out at the Katy Perry concert, and for the first time I paid attention to the words and messages from her recent hit Chained to the Rhythm.

Holeeefock. This is the most overtly political, scathing indictment of pop culture, conformity, and mindless consumerism that I’ve seen in years.

Bear with me.

The video is set in Oblivia, a themepark featuring rides like the American Dream Drop, in which you and your honey can experience your very own housing crash: “so comfortable we’re livin’ in a bubble, bubble; so comfortable we didn’t see the trouble, trouble.”

If you do suspect somethin’s seriously amiss, just “put your rose-colored glasses on, and party on.” Crank up the tunes and start drinking… to numb yourself to the horrors of living in a predatory, neo-fascist kleptocracy while “stumbling around like a wasted zombie.”

Innocent people of modest financial means are ejected from society, yet there’s always munnie for more bombs. Our poisoned environment is represented by the flaming water people are happily drinking at Inferno H2O.

The futility of working–especially for women and people of color–in a desperate attempt to improve one’s life is shown in the endless treadmill that unceremoniously ruins its victims.

By the time Skip Marley shows up to lead the revolution it’s too late. Society descends into chaos, since they know no other way of life than the lie of Oblivia.

It’s catchy as hell, and I have a profound respect for Ms. Perry’s ability to wrap this incredibly subversive, downright revolutionary message in a cotton candy wrapper. “We think we’re free” is the ultimate illusion. Bravo!

Imagine being Melanoma and this leaps through the door with McDonald’s secret sauce all over its face and hands demanding service with the Secret Service standing behind him looking appalled and trying to disappear.

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