Anal Probes

Rage Ignores the Machine

Here, gentlemen. Punch your way out of this.Universal gun-purchase background checks “failed” in the Senate today, 54 to 46.

That’s 54 votes in favor. In Constitutional terms, more than half. Which is also generally regarded as winning.

Except for, y’know, the “filibuster”. Which is defined as “some internal Senate rule that has nothing to do with Article I, Section 3, and can be easily dismissed at will.”

White House spokesbot Jay Carney was angry, but he promised the Administration wouldn’t quit: “We believe there is a path, a very difficult path, to get to 60 votes.” White House spokesbot Jay Carney did not mention that the “very difficult path” is only there because Harry Reid wimped out on getting rid of it.

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We Have Impure Thoughts About Hate-Fucking Supreme Court Justices…

“If we cannot have moral feelings against homosexuality, can we have it against murder? Can we have it against other things?” —Antonin Scalia, reminding America which way he would have voted on Dred Scott. [The Hill]

Sponsor This Tragedy!

Our guest columnist failed grade-school reading comprehension.

Date: December 9, 2012 10:36 PM
Subject: Inquiry Regarding A Resource For Students

Hi there,

I happened upon your collection of college and career web resources for prospective students here and thought you might be interested in another authoritative online resource to add to those.

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Tomorrow’s Distractions Today!


Famed civil rights attorney Gloria Allred will be in a Boston area courtroom Wednesday in an attempt to unseal the sworn testimony given by Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, in a prior court case…

The emergency hearing will take place at the Norfolk Probate & Family Court in Canton, Massachusetts, and Justice Jennifer Ulwick will oversee the proceedings which will begin at 9 a.m. EST.

Daily Mail:

Donald Trump is to claim that he has unearthed divorce papers of Michelle Obama and the President, according to a respected financial pundit with links to the tycoon.

It is alleged that the eccentric real estate mogul will claim that the documents show the First Lady and the President were at one point in their two decades of marriage seriously considering splitting up.

If you’ve been considering throwing your television out a tenth-floor window, this might be a good moment.

Please Don’t Hate Me

“President Obama and I both care about poor and middle-class families,” says Mitt, hoping to Kolob that you don’t remember that other thing he said.

Ad Seeks to Show Romney’s Compassion [WSJ]

What Do You Have to Do to Win Tucker’s Bowtie?

On Monday the conservative website Daily Caller, home to colossal douchebag Tucker Carlson, was hacked by a merry bunch of pranksters. Their banner ads featured nothing but ads for hard-core pornographic websites.  (No word yet if the view/click numbers went through the roof as a million cheeto-stained teabagger hands clicked through).

In any event, what is the Daily Caller doing about this?

They have challenged their readers to track down the hackers, and if you find them, you win a free 9-millimeter pistol that has the Bill of Rights engraved on the side of it. It’s unclear if the 1st, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 8th Amendments are included.

If you don’t have the mad tech skillz, you can write an essay describing what you’d do to the hackers.

Submit your essay or technical information here.


Curse of the Mummy’s Hands

Our guest columnist is the luckiest reporter alive.

A Labour politician has stunned his town council colleagues by claiming his “real mother” is a 9ft green alien with eight fingers.

Councillor Simon Parkes, who was elected to represent Stakesby ward on Whitby Town Council last month, said although he has had hundreds of close encounters with extra-terrestrials, it will not interfere with his mission to help residents at the seaside resort.

Speaking on YouTube, Coun Parkes said he first saw an alien at the age of eight months, when “a traditional kite-shaped face”, with huge eyes, tiny nostrils and a thin mouth appeared over his cot.

He said: “Two green stick things came in. I was aware of some movement over my head. I thought, ‘they’re not mummy’s hands, mummy’s hands are pink’.”

Labour councillor: ‘My real mother is a green alien’ [Northern Echo UK, via Political Wire]