There’s a reason why the Stinque Braquet is the worst hell on earth: Hope.

Every fool who has ventured here over the years has looked up to the light, and imagined climbing to victory. So easy… So simple… And like shipwrecked men turning to sea water from uncontrollable thirst, many have been ridiculed trying.

By us, of course.

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Devout Catholics document the appearance of their new leader using technology based on groundbreaking research by a gay mathematician and popularized by a Zen Buddhist.

Today Show [Instagram, via ParisLemon]

The Holy Seagull has deposited a white-burning turd, signaling to the world that the College of Cardinals are already sick of each other. Stay tuned for an announcement!

Some day, far in the future, Minnesota high school civics students are going to stumble across a transcript from their state legislature, and learn an important Life Lesson.

[via TPM]

Title [Football]: “Earn the Right to Win: How Success in Any Field Starts with Superior Preparation”

Title [Basketball]: “Toughness: Developing True Strength On and Off the Court”

Authors: Tom Coughlin and David Fisher [Football]; Jay Bilas and Coach K [Basketball]

Ranks: 18 [Football]; 29 [Basketball]

Blurb [Football]: “Preparation is easy to praise but very hard to master. No modern coach, in any sport, understands that better than NFL veteran Tom Coughlin… Now Coughlin shares his best advice and anecdotes and shows how they apply beyond the gridiron.”

Blurb [Basketball]: “Through his ups and downs, on and off the court, Jay learned the true meaning of toughness from coaches, teammates, and colleagues. Now, he discusses this misunderstood — yet vital — attribute and how it contributes to winning in sports and in life.”

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Our guest columnist is Philippe Charlier, assistant professor in forensic medicine and anthropologist, University Hospital, Garches, France.

The first mention of toilet paper in the Western world comes from the 16th century, with a short description by the French novelist (and physician) François Rabelais arguing its ineffectiveness. China, however, had toilet paper in the 2nd century BC, and the Japanese used chuugi (20-25 cm wooden sticks) during the Nara period (8th century AD) for both external and internal cleaning of the anal canal.

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“I’ve put them in before, but I really decided against it.” —Rand Paul, explaining why… No. Won’t do it. Why spoil a good line with context? [TPM]