Let the Shames Begin!

Why not Zoidberg?

There’s a reason why the Stinque Braquet is the worst hell on earth: Hope.

Every fool who has ventured here over the years has looked up to the light, and imagined climbing to victory. So easy… So simple… And like shipwrecked men turning to sea water from uncontrollable thirst, many have been ridiculed trying.

By us, of course.

We learned here that there can be no true despair without hope. So, as we terrorize your choices, we will feed you hope to poison your soul. We will let you believe you can win, so that we can watch you clamoring over each other to “stay in the running.” You can watch us torture an entire round of losers, and when you have truly understood the depth of your failure, we will fulfill our destiny.

We will show you where we have made our home while preparing to bring humilation. Then we will break you.

Braquet Queen MellBell’s House of Horrors

Group ID: 54562
Password: hotlanta

Now’s not the time for fear. That comes after the first round.


Is this that Sport thing you all do?

@Benedick: They don’t call it March Madness for nothing.

@Benedick: You should enter a bracket. I’m sure you’d wind up winning by picking teams randomly or by which ones have the better color schemes, than all of us who try to put thought into our selections.

watch the tennessee vols this afternoon at 3:30 pm edt, lunch time for most of y’all on espnu. we play the alabama crimeson slime. if we win this game, we’re in the ncaa tourney according to most alleged experts. our coach cuonzo martin came up tough from the projects of east st louis, played at purdue for gene keady who called martin the best leader he ever coached, beat cancer, and now is poised to lead the vols back to the ncaa tourney after a one year absence due to the bruce pearl turmoil. watch jarnell stokes, 6-7, 270 lb sophomore center underneath who averaged a double double in conference play. jordan mcrae carries his first name sake proud with a seven foot wing span and an ability to score from anywhere on the court.

the lady vols, of course are on their way to a 32nd (that’s right, 32 in a row) consecutive tournament appearance. they are the only team who has appeared in every ncaa womens tournament. i don’t think even the great john wooden can match that. last years seniors were the only group of seniors from tennessee who did not appear in a final four during this 31 year run. holly warlick took over for pat summit this year and looks to make her own decades long run. on a somewhat sad footnote, the lady vols will meet for the first time in a venue different than pat summits house sunday for the selection show after pat’s retirement last year due to early onset dementia.

@SanFranLefty: i got a lady i worked with to join one of my fantasy football leagues a few years ago so we would have 12 teams and not the unmanageable 11. i coached her up and helped her draft. she had alex smith and frank gore at qb and rb because she liked the gold and red of your niners uniforms. the whole league laughed at those picks because the niners weren’t very good then. she knocked me out of the playoffs that year when smith threw about a 50 yard td pass to frank gore in the final minutes of a week 15 game.

@SanFranLefty: I don’t even know what a bracket is.

@jwmcsame: How is Pat doing? She was a class act.

@Benedick: It holds your monstrous big-screen TV to the wall so that you can watch the NCAA basketball tournament.

@Dodgerblue: fine in the morning. but as the day goes on, the memory fades. she had a book signing the other day where all the books had to be signed in advance. even with the dementia, she could still run for governor here and win….as a democrat even.

@jwmcsame: From the way you describe Tennessee’s polity, I have reached two conclusions:

Dementia is a requirement for political office.

Pat Summitt is and always will be too good for them

@jwmcsame: My point exactly. I would love to hear Benedick’s take on the various team mascots.

@Walking Still: Agree on both points. She is a class act.

@Tommmcatt Can’t Believe He Ate The Whole Thing: Well that’s all you needed to say to get Benedick to enter…

TJ/ Will my beat ass 3GS let me take screen shots? Dumbass phone.

And I’m really getting tired of signing in each time I reopen this window.

@Benedick: I’m pretttty sure you’ve filled out a bracket before.

Just when it seemed like Kentucky could be humiliated no further…

@SanFranLefty: I’m in. But still deciding whether I want to annoy the commish again this year.

@libertarian tool: It’s impolite to dis the Braquet Queen. Unless Louisville goes down in flames, of course.

@mellbell: At least Jerry Falwell University (Liberty) lost its play-in game and will not be contaminating our brackets.

Here’s the breakdown:

We are seeing a dramatic demonstration of lefty groupthink centering on Louisville. The Louisville losers: Cynica, David, Mel, Homofascist, Nojo, SFLefty, Manchu

Nabisco and Beth inexplicably settled on Gonzaga.

Walking aligned with the POTUS on Indiana

Walking Still on Kansas

Faith’s on Georgetown

The Tool’s on Ohio St

I like my chances. Of course I always do at this point in the tourney.

[EDIT – Fixed error due to my reading comprehension issues]

@libertarian tool: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. First, we must welcome Nabisco, Homofascist and Cynica to the Time-Out Corner of Shame.

Sorry ‘bisco. I went with Whatsmatta U instead of Pitt in my stinque braquet but not in another.

Homofascist has been liberated, leaving Nabisco and Cynica to share the Crying Towel of Despair.

So close, St. Mary’s. So close.

Only Homofascist and I picked Davidson to upset Marquette. Looking good so far.

Mellbell and Jamie Sommers join Nabisco and Cynica in the Flooded Basement of Futility.

On the bright side, I haven’t slipped below 50%. Yet.

@mellbell: And that’s all the company you have in the Dreaded Doghouse of Indignity.

Just great. I know two people in New Mexico, so I pick NM State and they go down by 20. Nice job, boys.

Hey Cynica, I picked Oregon over OK State. Did you?

It’s not looking good for Mellbell in the Infernal Moshpit of Mischief.

@Dodgerblue: Nate advised against the Fighting Nikes, but I let sentiment overrule statistics.

@nojo: I saw Oregon play this year — they are damned good.

@Dodgerblue: I don’t care how good they are, if you can’t shake the scoreboard by stomping your feet, it ain’t worth it.

So I’m dead last in the Braquet. I’m blaming Mr Cyn’s system, which involved picking schools that were in more heavily Republican areas.

Harvard High SAT Scores v. New Mexico Lobos coming up.

@ManchuCandidate: I always lose when I go with sentimental favorites.

You should see my other bracket. Biggest problem is, I miss out on the real joy which is just enjoying the games.

In defense of my bracket thus far, 60% of the games that went the wrong way were within three points.

@libertarian tool: They’re waaaay out there in Spo-can, man.

@Beggars Biscuit: I found that out years ago when I somehow forgot to fill out a bracket at work. The whole tournament became so much more enjoyable. I never have to worry about some upset ruining my predictions, so I can get behind all the underdogs. Of course I don’t want IU and U of L getting upset this year, but everybody else is fair game.

@Mistress Cynica: There could be something to a system which focused on schools in states with either no NBA team (Kentucky, Kansas, Connecticut, Arkansas, etc.) or a mediocre one (North Carolina, Ohio, Louisiana, Indiana, etc.).

Seriously, that Harvard gap better get narrowed.

@libertarian tool: Three points up. Those bastards better nut fuck up my shit. Damned ducks and extinct golden bears have me in a bad place.

@libertarian tool: SIX!

I used to think the three-point line in college was a good idea…

@mellbell: Dare I ask what was your thinking with your picks? I’m a little surprised to see you wearing the cone of shame after the first night.

The Lobos going to be crimsoned by Hahvahd?

You know, New Mexico, UNLV, OK and Missouri can go suck a nut.

@ManchuCandidate: I’m never going to be able to deal with some people after this.

WTF, RedManLaw?!?!?!? Hah-vahd! I have the Fucking Lobos going to the Final Four.

So, is Mellbell still in the Despicable Dumpster of Damnation? Yes. Yes, she is.

I went with tradition. NM usually flames out in the 2nd round (sorry, Mrs RML.) Instead they are going to lose to Hahvahd.

The Lobos should be Crimson faced after that. Losing to Hahvahd. Sheesh.

Did POTUS pick Harvard? Is he a proud alum? The only people I know who picked them in their brackets are graduates.

@SanFranLefty: Exactly. They will be more obnoxious than ever. Worse than Cal.

He’s not that proud. He picked the shamefaced Lobos.

@JNOV: Fuck, I know. Good thing I’m on the road and don’t have to go into the office and hear the gloating from the Kal and Hahvahd alums.

(If I were there I’d stick my fingers in my ears and yell “Rose Bowl Rose Bowl Rose Bowl ROSE BOWL!”)

That said, I’m going to cheer for the Crimson against Arizona – that cock block on the bracket would mean that most other folks are losing equally.

@libertarian tool: Wait? Flying ChainSaw and POTUS are one and the same?! It explains so much…

@SanFranLefty: ARIZONA! But, yeah. I’ve been beating them with the Rose Bowl. And they even started bragging about the Hartford Band. I was like, “You’re just pitiful.”

@nojo: Yes. Yes, I am. Moving on, could you put a link to this thread in the sidebar or something so that we can keep track of it?

@mellbell: It’s been the top-right feature all week, and will remain there until the Losers Braquet.

@JNOV: That would be me. Going with the “Big 10 is the Toughest Conference” hypothesis and Ohio.

@nojo: Clearly the tears of shame have rendered me half-blind.

@JNOV: Better than my Vamonos Con Los Lobos theory… If Georgetown chokes I am so fucked.

@mellbell: COTD.

And in a stunning last-minute decision, Cynica joins Mellbell in the Atrocious Outhouse of Ignomy.

@JNOV: Their band only wishes to be as awesome.

And I may go watch this basketball game on Sunday.

Jesus fucking hell. Harvard? /pours another drink and puts on 30 Rock

@JNOV: Well it’s kept me out of the Basement of Despair for the time being. And I’m the only one with Ohio State going all the way. If they win this thing… “All Your Bases Are Belong To Us”. So I’ve got that going for me.


I feel your pain. / Bill Clinton sincere-ish lip bite/ head angle nod / eye glisten / knuckle point gesture.

@JNOV: More like the blind pig that finally found the acorn. I should be ashamed to claim the lead after picking against my hometown team (Cal). But I’m not.

It should noted that my West Bracket got seriously mangled by Harvard. So overall I’m not in great shape unless Kansas pulls my buns out of the fire by winning it all.

I do have Tom Lehrer’s Fight Fiercely, Harvard! running through my head.

Here is a rundown of my lefty (not SFL) organization’s picks to win it all, and no, I did not pick UCLA:

97 Louisville
79 Indiana
36 Gonzaga
35 Kansas
29 Miami
23 Duke
21 Ohio St.
15 Georgetown
12 Florida
7 Michigan State
6 Michigan
4 North Carolina
2 Wisconsin, Syracuse, North Carolina State, New Mexico
1 St. Louis, VCU, Northwestern State, Minnesota, Marquette, Creighton, Memphis, UCLA

@SanFranLefty: Well, with a pool heavy on West Coasters, picking against Oregon and Cal seemed like a good idea. New Mexico I blame entirely on my brother. And, as previously stated, Memphis and Marquette were nail-biters. (Excuses, excuses.)

@mellbell: The Oregon win didn’t surprise me, but Cal? GMAFB.

Yahoo reports 3.3 million brackets entered.

And after the first day, only 374 survived intact.

We’re all jumping into the Smelly Cesspool of Shonda together.

@Dodgerblue: I don’t follow Pac-1012, but Oregon struck me as more of a football school. Lesson learned.

@mellbell: You mean Pac-8. Oregon won the conference tournament this year.

@mellbell: Don’t get me started on the designated hitter rule.

@Dodgerblue: And don’t get me started on fucking shot clocks in college hoops.

@nojo: I beg to differ. Teams that went into the four-corner stall when Kareem played for UCLA — that’s not basketball.

@Dodgerblue: Teams that went into the four-corner stall…

Made games interesting — a matter of strategy, not just brute force. Otherwise basketball is just a lottery for seven-footers.

@nojo: And then there were thirty-one.

@mellbell: Can you say Ole Miss vs Harvard for a trip to the Final Four?

@mellbell: I’m running out of alliterative trash talk, so you can sit out the basement reference at the moment.

What the fuck is the matter with Kansas St?

For those of you who have not seen Deadspin’s coverage:

Fucking Harvard Wins First NCAA Tournament Game, Upsets New Mexico

Fucking Harvard just beat New Mexico 68-62 for its first win in the NCAA tournament and is now just the 17th such fucking seed to advance. Fucking Harvard shot fucking 8-18 from behind the arc and advances to play Arizona on Saturday. Fucking Harvard wasn’t even supposed to be good until next year. We weren’t even prepared.

Fucking Harvard.


I had them choking in the elite 8 and I was being nice. Haven’t trusted any Kansas school since 2010.

@nojo: And then there was one. Way to show us all up, Breanna.

@mellbell: What Yahoo really needs is some chart showing Bracket Survival over previous years. Is it unusual for so many millions to be so wrong so fast?

Well, besides the Fox audience.

Indiana is losing to Colorado. Uh boys, our President picked you to go all the way. You’ve got 6:34 left not to embarrass him, and yourselves.

@Dodgerblue: It’s actually Illinois. I’m from Chicago, but Colorado is my Alma Mater, but I picked Illinois in my bracket.

I am conflicted.

@Dodgerblue: You nearly gave me a heart attack. (And, yes, Dire Straits is stuck in my head now.)

@mellbell: “It ain’t what they call rock and roll . . .” from Sultans of Swing, one of my favorite songs.

@nojo: I don’t have an alliteration for you, but I did just move out of a literally dog-shit befouled basement.

Labrador labyrinth of languor?

Fucking Big 8 — OK State, K State, and Missouri all let me down. I should know better by now. Don’t blow this, KU.

@Mistress Cynica: If UCLA wins tonight, the Pac-8, -10 and -12 will be 4-0.

I’m toast when Cal loses to Syracuse.

Wait. What’s the gtown score?

Go home Bracket. You’re drunk.

Wow. I am soooooo fucked! I suspect foul play.

OK, has anybody ever heard of the school that Georgetown just lost to by 10?

@Dodgerblue: No. The AP tells me it was founded in 1997. Fun quote: ”I don’t think anybody on our team has ever played in front of that many people,” said reserve forward Eddie Murray, who had nine points.
You’d think a Jesuit pope could do better by his boys. Maybe he used up all his clout on Marquette.

I swear, if fucking Kansas manages to lose to Western Kentucky, I give up.

@mellbell: The Indigo Girls also do a nice version of that song (Romeo and Juliet) .

@Dodgerblue: The Bruins aren’t covering themselves in glory in the first half.

@Dodgerblue: Not to put too fine a point on it, but if UCLA wins tonight, the Pac-8 and Pac-10 are indeed still undefeated, but the Colorado Buffs took a dump on the Pac-12 record with the loss to Illinois.

In other news – my”Dominant Big 10″ thesis took a torpedo below the waterline with that Wisconsin loss. I blame Scott Walker.

@libertarian tool: How could someone so conflicted put a fine point on anything? ;-P

Lost by 20 points. Well, at least it wasn’t to fucking Harvard, eh?

@JNOV: Did I? Guess I did.

Mostly I followed Nate, but where his odds were even, I flipped the choice for variety. And then I ran with the Fighting Nikes as far as possible, because I couldn’t bring myself to trash them.

I read that Uklah lost their best player in the game before the tourney so I went with that before I read Nate’s numbers which lined up with what I had.

Sorry DB.

Well, there goes one of my final four.

@JNOV: I am slowly regressing towards mediocrity. The only question is how far I will fall.

@Walking Still: Is it bad that I’m now cheering against Kal tonight and the Fighting Nojo Ducks on Sunday so my bracket isn’t totally eviscerated?

Las Hoyas Chingadas. Los Lobos Chingados.

@SanFranLefty: In the world of brackets there is no room for sentiment, just as there is no crying in baseball.

We will now observe a moment or two of silence to commemorate the demise of Gonzaga.

I HATE THIS SHIT! 93 possible points?

::unintelligible screaming::

@SanFranLefty: I have Louisville going all the way, so next weekend is where my softhearted (but surprisingly useful) Duck picks reach their end.

Ohio State is killing me. Up 13, they’ve given up 12 unanswered with 4 mintues to play. Iowa St with a free throw to tie.

@libertarian tool: Despite my West being all but shitcanned, my Nate-enabled bracket hits Yahoo’s 98th percentile. Low curve this year.

And last year? I followed Nate to the letter, and ended up around the middle. The difference this time is a few eccentric variations.

@nojo: I subscribe to a different bracket guru. My 91 year old dad spends all winter watching every college game and placing parley bets with his on-line Caribbean sports book. I play his bracket. Made a few variations in the first round to my detriment.

Ohio State pulled it out. I’m not saying my self-esteem and entire sense of self worth is tied up in my bracket, but I do get to feel good about myself and my life for another week.

Same here. I believe in Nate!! It’s because my college b-ball knowledge could fill a thimble.

Florida Gulf Coast Community College – WTF?

@SanFranLefty: If they beat Kansas in the round of eight and destroy my bracket, I will not be happy.

With Mississippi’s loss, my entire West braquet is gone. Are we doing a second chance group like last year?

@Mistress Cynica: I think Mellbell will be setting up a Losers Braquet soon as Yahoo flips the switch.

@Dodgerblue: Ouch.

The Harvard loss hit the state like it was Pearl Fucking Harbor or something. Lobo Fan is either angry or depressed. It’s like if Obama had lost to McCain or Romney. It appears as if the national sports media has moved on, though, which is good for us. I imagine there was some grim joy taken when Harvard hit the Arizona buzzsaw yesterday.

@JNOV: Except of course for the loser’s 2nd chance bracket.

I’m not in last place anymore! (Sorry, Jamie.)

@mellbell: And with a maximum 60 points possible, Jamie has a near lock on Biggest Loser of Loserdom.

Potential silver lining: UCLA coach Howland will be pursuing other opportunities and spending more time with his family. Spent 10 years at UCLA, had a pretty good overall record, four Final Four appearances, but it’s a tough room to play — there is a statue of Coach Wooden outside Pauley Pavilion.

Today suffering University of Kentucky Wildcats fans everywhere received the first glimmer of good news they’ve enjoyed this entire postseason. The University of Minnesota fired coach Tubby Smith, who once had the nerve to leave UK to take a different college coaching position. Voluntarily leaving THE greatest sports program in the world is simply not done. Pitino’s exit to coach the Boston Celtics infuriated Wildcat fans, so Smith’s departure to coach the Golden Gophers left them apoplectic.

@Dave H: Maybe Kentucky can lure the head coach away from Robert Morris University.

Alright, fuck it, the second chance braquet is here and I’m going to pick the Fighting Nojos of Eugene to upset Louisville. Why the hell not, stranger things have happened.

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