Pope Pope Fizz Fizz

Vatican Ragamuffin.

The Holy Seagull has deposited a white-burning turd, signaling to the world that the College of Cardinals are already sick of each other. Stay tuned for an announcement!

48 Comments

And the winner is… Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina.

Ummm, age 76.

@nojo:
So it’s a yout’ movement then…

Good job, Opus Dei fanboys.

@ManchuCandidate: If I understand my Curiatology, this means they couldn’t come to an agreement, and chose a short-timer to hold the fort.

The first Francis approves of the seagull being part of the festivities.

Karl Rove just crashed the L’Osservatore Romano Decision Desk.

@ManchuCandidate: Only if it leads to a South Park episode depicting Coppola raping Pacino.

Pope Francis Albert Sinatra I selected to lead Vatican Pack.

@ManchuCandidate: He used to be the leader of the Jesuit order, which gives me some hope that he won’t be as doctrinaire as Benedick Benedict.

ADD: Allegedly he chose the name of Francis to honor St. Francis of Asissi, patron saint of fur-critters and my fair city. The guy’s better than Benedict already.

@SanFranLefty: Sorry, early reports indicate that he’s of the foaming-at-the-mouth anti-contraception, anti-abortion, anti-gay rights flavor. Apparently, his anti-gay rants in 2010 were so divisive that he was publicly rebuked by Argentina’s President, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner (!).

@SanFranLefty @¡Andrew!: Also an outspoken advocate for the poor, but that’ll get ignored in Norteamérica.

Before everyone gets deep into the South American angle, “Bergoglio’s father was an Italian immigrant.”

Love this line: “Another measure of Bergoglio’s seriousness as a candidate was the negative campaigning that swirled around him eight years ago.” Papal elections are just like us!

@nojo: Yeah, it’s funny how advocacy for the poor translates into a whole lotta nuthin’ once the new Pope puts on the ruby Prada slippers and takes up residence in the City of God Gold.

Every time this happens they say “he’s known for his humility …” Duh – he’s the fucking pope.

@nojo:
“I have the worst fucking lawyers.”

I don’t believe that bird is a seagull. Looks like an owl to me.

need a second opinion is
this inappropriate and or unacceptable? I have lived alone to long I simply cant tell anymore.

I just posted it on Facebook because I am so sick of this meme.

http://thumbsnap.com/rup76JrF

How does this impact Two and a Half Men?

@¡Andrew!:
There are questions about where he stood during the military dictatorship.

@SanFranLefty: He’s a very conservative Jesuit– a really bad combo when you consider the order’s reputation for talent in arguing a point.

I thought the Jesuits were like a radical biker sect. Opposed to bishops and archiarchi and such as. Didn’t need to be fr to be js. Get out on the open trail snarling the Harley, a choir boy at your back heading for the Jesuit Fun Normal Boy and Priest Campground. Close off the highway at Bakersfield.

It’s all so sad.

@nojo: half of Argentina is Italian, the other half German.

@Benedick: The radical biker sect is more like the Franciscans. Or the American nuns. Jesuits are the smarty pants running the universities.

@Mistress Cynica: Jesus, not another Scalia.

@nojo: a FB friend just posted the memetastic “Habemas PAMPA”. I hope he came up with it himself.

@Mistress Cynica:

Even a very conservative Jesuit would probably be better than a Dominican.

The Dominicans are the “Hounds” of the Inquisition, dating back to the Cathar Heresy in 1209 (although not formally approved by the Pope until 1216). Their old seal consist of three running hounds in a circle*. The hounds sniffed out heresy and chased down heretics so they could be broken on the wheel. They would cut the tongues out of their victims with red hot shears so they couldn’t blaspheme during the several days they spent dying after their bones were broken and laced through the (oxcart) wheel. (The tongue removal with red hot shears also prevented them from biting off their own tongue & bleeding to death, shortening their suffering.) There are descriptions of roads being lined with the slowly dying heretics and the quiet moans they made. The crows liked to eat their eyeballs & that was often the last thing their eyes saw.

* Dominican College in San Rafael used to have such a huge wooden seal in their library. I haven’t been there in 20+ years so I don’t know if it’s still there at Dominican “University”.

Give me that old time Religion!

@jaycubed: Thank you for sharing. I am edified – As the actress said to the bishop.

The Jesuits were mercenaries from the start and weren’t recognized until the Poopy allowed them to go to England and kill protestants. Trufax.

They also covered up more sexual abuse than any other order, so piss on them.

I hope that seagull shits a big clam turd on those bastards.

@Benedick: Okay, so I have this problem with insomnia, so I’ve been watching David Starkey blather on about the monarchy. It takes me about a week to get through one episode. Tell me if I have this right (forgive the spelling errors — there will me many).

So, the Roman Empire implodes, and you’ve got about 2M folks in Britannia, just sort of hanging out with sheep.

Then the Anglo-Saxons, Germanic folks come — like 200K — and that’s kind of the end of the Britannia folks in the sense that their DNA was overwhelmed by the A-S. Britannia becomes Eng-luh-lund.

A whole lot of kings come and go with crazy names. The Anglo-Saxon chronicle was a good idea.

THEN the Vikings come and all hell breaks loose and there’s this constant Dane problem. Meanwhile, the Cymry are minding their business.

THEN the Normans (also kind of Germanic?) come and REALLY fuck things up with their castles, Barons, Latin, too many kids who kill each other, and they longer rule with the consent of the people <– was there really consent? Normans burn up the country and make Forest Laws. Er?

The English are so bitter, they have some inscription on the WWII cemetery arch in Normandy reading, "We saved your fucking asses you assholes. So fuck you, invading bahstahds!"

And people flee to France, and Mathilda rides a horse like a dude and was kickass but they ran her out on a rail, and everybody marries everybody and they all have hemophilia.

The end.

(Actually, I'm only up to Henry II.)

@JNOV: Impressive. Let me think.

As I remember, the Romans defeated the Celts ( a cultured and cultivated people into macramé, astrology, and large stones), Angles, and Jutes and colonized what we now know as England, so named for the Angles who retreated to the marshes of Norfolk from whence, led by Hereward the Wake, they launched successful raids on nearby garrisons. Hadrian built a wall to keep out the Scots for obvious reasons. The Irish were off by themselves. Also bear in mind that the Gaels and Celts who had been driven back to the west by the Romans were making their own alliances in their own language. You’ll no doubt remember that the Picts were famous in their day for doing card tricks: “Go ahead. Pict a card.”

After the Romans withdrew, there was a certain amount of sparring that went on between rival kingdoms: Cornwall, Wales, plus the others. Cornish kings, or Marks, were famous for their ‘Spencers’ – an early forerunner of the wooly cardie – going on to found Marks and Spencer’s before colonizing parts of northern France, Brittany, and inventing Wagnerian opera. There’s a school of thought that has Arthur as a fictionalized Cornish king. Let’s not rule out Ethelred the Unready.

Then came my people, the Vikings, in their assless chaps, blazing out of the north like an early Goldman Sachs. As I have found, they instituted a northern empire that resembled that built around the Mediterranean. It encompassed in a great maritime circle what is now Scandinavia; parts of Scotland: Ireland; the Scottish islands, Orkneys and Hebrides; the Faroes; Iceland (settled in I think 724, christianized in 900 ce); and later Greenland. In the summer months it was traditional for respectable young men to borrow a longship and go off pillaging. In time this led to a permanent division of England with York becoming the seat of the Danish viceroys and most of the country paying Danegeld as a tax to stop with the raping and pillaging (it was king Canute, or Knut, who famously had his throne set in the sands so he could order the incoming tide to halt. It didn’t). They also settled in what is now Normandy which was so named for the norsemen who lived there. They also invaded Rus and got as far south as Constantinople. As you might imagine, it was all quite tiring.

Fade out/fade in. The Danes retreated, Nigel the Bold opened the first gay bar, the Prancing Vicar, round the back of the Tower of London, warring tribes were now coalesced into vast tracts governed by dukes and earls owing allegiance to a king who claimed his throne by Divine Right. In The Golden Bough by James Frazer, he develops the theory that the early kings were ritually sacrificed as offerings to ensure a good harvest. A custom one might hope to see revived.

Scotland was still ruled by clans (heads of the clans, think warlords, would be known as the clan’s name, e.g., the head of the McGregor clan would be known as The McGregor, and no, plaid is not the same as tartan; a plaid is a long rectangle of tartan worn over the shoulder that can be opened up and worn as a cloak or used as a blanket), as it would be till the Highlands were enclosed by the English king (see Bonnie Prince Charlie fleeing to Skye) and the clansmen thrown off their ancestral lands to starve.

So in 1066 the Normans, now independent of Denmark, under the rule of William invaded at the village of Battle, near the town of Hastings where my sister-in-law lives. By the way, she’s selling her cottage which has a spectacular view so anyone interested hit me up. Full disclosure, you have to step over a rather large beam to get to the bathroom sink and then crouch to brush your teeth if you’re over about 5’4″. Harald, the English king died on the field of battle when an arrow hit his eye. The Normans, who were spearheading the new christendom invaded, beginning the new order of England by evicting the old aristocracy from their castles and fiefdoms in order to reward their own men with titles and land. Almost all of the older families in England boast of having come over with William the Conquerer. I use ‘England’ because the aristocracy is all English. They colonized the other British nations first before throwing themselves against the rest of the world.

Then came the rise of the abbeys, centres of learning (shout-out to the Venerable Bede) and masturbation, the accumulation of great wealth, patronage, standing armies, and ballroom dancing.

This in turn led to the invention of Bisto, the Middle Class, and sneering.

Enough about old men in dresses. Here’s FLOTUS looking fabulous in Vogue (the shot of her in the red room — I die).

@Mistress Cynica: This is not going to be popular over at breitbart.com. Who does she think she is, etc, Marie Antoinette, etc.

@Dodgerblue: Or the Duke of Ellington.

@Benedick: I like your version better.

@SanFranLefty: I’d wear bangs if I could.

@Benedick: Oh, yeah and Cnut and all those crazy names – whoa.

Who was the bahhstahhd whose entrails popped out when they shoved him in his sarcophagus?

ADD: Oh, and what did the NYRoB (or whatever) say about JFK and the Unspeakable: Why He Died & Why it Matters? Am I about to embark on a conspiracy theory nonsense journey?

ADDD: I already know who shot him: Someone with a gun.

@JNOV: My version is best. Forget the past. Dance in fields of flowers.

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