Some days you wake up covered in blow, screaming in agony, unable to stay on your feet.

[via Know Your Meme]

Okay, there’s a cheat here — it’s a ceramic squirrel. Kinda spoils the fun, doesn’t it?

Or not:

A South Carolina woman was held on a domestic abuse charge for allegedly stabbing her common-law husband with a decorative ceramic squirrel when he came home late on Christmas Eve without any beer.

Now that’s journalism: A sentence that could have happily ended after “squirrel”, but continues for three additional clauses, each topping the last. We’ve seen entire movies with less story.

[via Know Your Meme]

Title: “A Year of Miracles: Daily Devotions and Reflections”

Author: Marianne Williamson

Rank: 100

Blurb: “A Year of Miracles is her collection of 365 spiritual readings, including prayers, meditations, declarations, and affirmations — one for each day of the year — that offer guidance, support, and enlightenment to focus your thinking. With this thoughtful meditative devotional, you can stay mindful, hopeful, and centered every day, producing miracles in your life.”

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Title: “One Direction 2014 Calendar: 18 Month”

Rank: 96

Review: “My daughter loves it she put it up in her room immediately and is keeping track of her home school schedule with it.”

Customers Also Bought: “One Direction Life-size Stand-up Cutout- Harry”

Footnote: Shaun Cassidy is 55.

One Direction 2014 Calendar [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

“It’s a rite of passage to have sex in Snuffleupagus.”

—Moby, speaking on the Nerdist podcast about Muppet Christmas parties.

Title: “Happy, Happy, Happy: My Life and Legacy as the Duck Commander”

Author: Phil Robertson

Rank: 40

Blurb: “Phil’s is the remarkable story of one man who followed the call he received from God and soon after invented a duck call that would begin an incredible journey to the life he had always dreamed of for himself and his family.”

Review: “This is a wholesome family that others would do well to learn from!”

Bonus Review: “They do not condemn others, they lift everyone around them up.”

Customers Also Bought: “Duck Dynasty Redneck Wisdom Board Game”

Footnote: Setting aside that whole Evil Fags Happy Darkies Thing, our favorite moment of the whole hullabaloo was learning that A&E fakes the bleeps to spice up the show.

Happy, Happy, Happy [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

If you can’t make sense of our guest columnist, not to worry. We can’t either.

In the scope of my research, a feminist programming language is to be built around a non-normative paradigm that represents alternative ways of abstracting. The intent is to encourage and allow new ways of thinking about problems such that we can code using a feminist ideology.

To succinctly sum up my research thus far I will outline the decomposition of my question below:

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