Our Beloved Mortals,

We apologize for inadvertently dropping a jet engine into one of your suburbs August 29. We’ve scheduled an additional flight the evening of November 4 that should straighten things out. John M. is being sent further instructions under separate cover.

Eternally Yrs.,
God

P.S. Buddha is a pussy.

O Lord of Sublime Mirth and Infinite Jest, I offer Ye this Rubber Chicken in humble sacrifice that Ye shall smite my Opponent with a can of snakes, or any combination of the following:

• Cause my Opponent to select as his Second an utter imbecile.
• Cast my Opponent’s Second in the image of a bewitching Sorceress, that the two may be indistinguishable on Sabbath’s eve.
• Becloud my Opponent’s perception, that he may be blind to economic chaos.

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Shocking news from the paper of record:

On Sunday night, [Sarah Palin] twice took questions from reporters, the first time on an airport tarmac without her press staff’s knowledge.

You can imagine the chaos that ensued, but we’ll spare you the trouble: an operative barking “Get Tracey” into his headset, handler Tracey Schmitt rushing to the scene of the outbreak to contain the beast, shouts of “Thank you!” in a vain attempt to prevent further answers from contaminating the campaign.

Reports of dart guns, weighted nets and biplanes are unconfirmed. McCain spokesdouche Tucker Bounds later denied the incident, saying it’s unproven that Palin is even capable of speaking in her own words.

Palin Breaking Out of Cocoon [NYT]

We’re not in the habit of indulging ourselves with optimism, but whatever happens in the next two weeks, the sight of a hundred thousand people cheering on a man who isn’t (a) throwing a football, (b) driving a racecar, or (c) inciting them to invade France, does tend to weaken our cynical resolve.

Obama Draws 100,000 in Missouri [WaPo]

There was a moment when if Colin Powell had endorsed Barack Obama, it might have made a difference. This isn’t it. Especially not after he endorsed Ted Stevens last week. But if it changes the subject from Talibunny’s SNL appearance, we won’t complain.

Update: He’s in. But McCain boasts Kissinger, giving him extra war-criminal cred.

Colin Powell might endorse Obama [Politico]

We’ve created a monster.

Stinque Jam I [Flickr]

We were desperate. Cat Stick wasn’t talking, and Yoda Pez was exhausted after channeling the Supreme Court. (“Ohio, you must deny,” we heard him muttering.) But the latest campaign developments had left us anxious for advice, and we needed someone to consult with.

And then we remembered Fishtray.

Fishtray is an old pol with whom we’ve had our disagreements over the years. As a young idealist he managed Flipper’s first campaign (“Live in a world full of wonder!”), but in later years he hit a low behind the scenes of the ugly Shamu-Willy race. (“We haven’t seen this much chum since Jaws,” sneered the Times.)

But Fishtray knew where the scales were scraped. “I can tell you more about smoke-filled rooms than any nose-breather,” he liked to say. “We were baiting opponents long before you came on the scene.”

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