The Charms Offensive
O Lord of Sublime Mirth and Infinite Jest, I offer Ye this Rubber Chicken in humble sacrifice that Ye shall smite my Opponent with a can of snakes, or any combination of the following:
- Cause my Opponent to select as his Second an utter imbecile.
- Cast my Opponent’s Second in the image of a bewitching Sorceress, that the two may be indistinguishable on Sabbath’s eve.
- Becloud my Opponent’s perception, that he may be blind to economic chaos.
- Surround my Opponent with Charlatans, that he may suffer the absence of wise counsel.
- Blow great winds across my Opponent’s path, that his compass may be proven erratic.
- Torment my Opponent with visions of demons, that he may sound as one with the inmates of Bethlem.
- Besmirch my Opponent’s reputation with the stench of his own nightsoil.
If Ye satisfy my supplications, O General of Disarray, I vow to Thee that I shall devote daily three spit-takes to Thy glory. Amen.
Block African witchcraft curses against McCain and Palin NOW! [InJesus, via Sully]
O Lord. Let PG’s VP pick see her candidacy as a chance to expand her wardrobe and go on a Paris Hilton-esque clothes shopping spree to a tune of $150K so as to crush the “elite” meme used against your mocha colored “son”, Barry and make the Repugs eat their own comments regarding the $400 dollar haircuts of your wayward horndog of a boy, Johnny “Seed” Mill. Amen.
BTW, lord? Where is thy winning lottery number picks?
Nightsoil? I can see McCain shitting himself – in fact, it’s getting more likely every day.
Doesn’t Sarah Palin have a pastor who can resolve this witch problem?
@ManchuCandidate: @nojo: Hey. Not so much with the Johnny snark. If he wants to get $400 haircuts let him. He deserves them. He needs to look pretty and he is. Hell, I’d fly down there and cut his hair myself. (Johnny, if you’re lurking. Call me. I’ll bring my video camera. We can make ‘web videos’. Srsly)
@ManchuCandidate: Extreme Makeover, Public Finance Campaign Edition.
@Comandante Agi: And Bobby Jindal can always do an exorcism if that doesn’t work.
I am sick to death of being rules by FUCKING SNAKE HANDLERS!
I thought Episcopalians didn’t get along with RCs.
Will she have to return the fabtrabulous outfits?
I couldn’t resist. I like Edwards despite his horndog ways. If he wants to get his $400 haircuts that’s fine with me.
@ManchuCandidate: Episcopalians do not handle snakes, thank you very much. They have the help do it for them.
@ManchuCandidate: Oh no, the ongoing peace talks are doing very well, the only straw in the ointment is apostolic succession and the legitimacy of the current Episcopal clergy (Henry’s Bishops were excommunicated so their consecrations don’t count).
High Church episcopalians are very catholic, smells and bells and everything, its Catholic with Manhattans and married priests, is all. Oh, and no requirement that you actually believe anything, just say the words, thats fine, poetic, isn’t it? Now Low Church Episcopalians, they are another matter; I actually quit as Warden of my Vestry because a clique of low-church mouth breathers were determined to run our high-church priest out of town for supporting the gay bishop.
@Prommie: And obviously, the High Churchs are run by the gays (love the outfits, and the music, and the flowers, and the incense…) so they’re super liberal, while the low churchers are, as you said, mouth breathers who never want to use Rite I.
@Prommie: The Episcopalians have contemplative hikes in the woods during the summer here, on which the priest expounds on God and nature. Carry a topo map and binocs, scout for deer and elk . . . “Hey father, how about going to Game Unit 52 this weekend?”
@Mistress Cynica: They hated our liberal priest, but loved, adored, our flamboyantly gay choir director, who would have his boyfriends come and do recitals; they truly had no idea at all, like Liberace’s fans.
@Mistress Cynica: Episcopalians are Anglicans, aren’t they? Long ago, in that hazy time I call my boyhood, I sang in a church choir but got thrown out for laughing at the priest and dropping hymn books from the balcony. Teh gays run the Anglican church, too. I think it’s the whole musical theatre ambience which makes the mouth-breathers want to beat their children. I dimly remember helping the priest to dress and being impressed by the number of garments he had to put on in a very strict order.
I love that last Gaddis book in which he features a lawsuit brought by the Episcopalians against Pepsi Cola for infringement of copyright.
@ManchuCandidate: That’s right. Johnny Earl can do whatever he wants.
@Prommie: That sounds about right.
@Lyndon LaDouche: I dimly remember helping the priest to dress
What? Too easy?
@redmanlaw: The Dean of the Episcopal Cathedral in Oklahoma once preached a sermon on Winnie-the-Pooh, complete with mocked up newspaper for the Hundred Acre Woods.
@Prommie: My Dad knew Liberace, known as “Lee” in the business, and said he was a really nice guy when he wasn’t all tarted up on stage. He knew and worked with Groucho, too, whom he said was an asshole.
@Dodgerblue: Larry Holmes once told me to go back to school (I was skipping class), and on a separate occasion I drank tequila shots with Timothy Leary.
What, this isn’t Brush With Greatness?
Talibunny’s interview with James Dobson is now out, and the crazee Jeebus stuff continues.
@Dodgerblue: Dad in the Biz? Those are some great stories. I am not surprised about either.
@flippin eck: Oh, its not like that, they have regular clothes on under the regalia. There is always a group of old ladies, too, who take care of the regalia, hang it carefully, help him take it off.
I was just about to start training to be an alter helper, a lay minister, you give the wine, the priest gives the wafer, but I would only have gotten to wear a white frock-like robe. But the low church plug-uglies ran me screaming from the church. I liked the ceremony, a lot, and the cool thing about the Episcopal church is, they, or at least the priest, didn’t care I was agnostic, I only have a vague belief in a higher mystical force, and interpret all christian doctrine as allegory, christ was not the literal son of God, he was just someone particularly in tune and connected with the mystical higher power, and such, and when I told the priest that, hee said thats alright, your personal internal beliefs are between you and God.
We had him and his wife over and watched Dogma one night, he laughed his ass off all the way through.
My father in law was a canon, thats a monsignor, to you catholics, an uber-priest, he coulda been a Bishop, but he left to be a legal services lawyer.
@Promnight: Those old ladies are the Altar Guild, and they will fuck you up if you spill wine or the fair linen (altar cloth) or get red lipstick on the purificators (the napkin thingies they wipe the chalice with between communicants). I was a chalicifer (we used the high church name) and had my own alb (white frock). I adored the pageantry, and no one cared if you believed anything or not. A priest at the Cathedral admitted to me that she had her doubts about the resurrection. Our fabulous gay organist/choir director was given the honorary title of “Canon” after 25 years of service, causing the OK Episcopal newsletter to announce in its headline that he had been “canonized.” I suggested he send copies to everyone he hated in high school.
@Mistress Cynica: I loved that church before the priest bamboozled me onto the vestry and then I woke up one day Senior Warden. Then I saw the ugly.
My priest, Steve, had a big Idea one day. See, there was a big inner city parish that closed down 10 years before. They sold the property, and some couple of million was being held and used for nothing but funding this nice Canon who travelled about as a fill-in priest.
Steve had a big idea; an episcopal school. Nothing like a school to grow a parish. We had a local Quaker school, but it had recently closed, there was a vaccum, nothing but fundie schools and catholic schools.
We could have sucked in all the upper class protestants, the jews, oh, what a thing it could have been.
There was this couple of million that the Bishop would have given us. But we would have had to move to another facility. And that brought the old school morons out in an enraged mass. And they were egged on behind the scenes by the prior priest, a fire-breathing low church anti-abortion, anti-women in the clergy asshole who had left us to to go a diocese in Florida that had hooked up with an african Bishop in part of the anti-gay schism. He organized the revolt.
Ugly ugly ugly.
@Promnight: I’m sorry you went through that. I left my church over an intellectual property dispute — how many other denominations could say that?
Rose Macaulay opined that the best thing to be, religion-wise, was a lapsed High Anglican, because one belongs to the best branch of the best church, but rarely has to attend services or do anything.
Lamb of God won’t be opening for Metallica at the Forum in LA in December because the venue is owned by a megachurch that is not happy about the band’s former name – “Burn the Priest”.
Lamb of God – Ruin
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