April Jam [Flickr]

We don’t normally use this space to post Alarming Health Alerts, but the news breaking today may doom civilization as we know it:

Blowjobs cause cancer.

No joke, alas. Swedish researchers have traced a sevenfold increase in tonsil cancer over the past thirty years among patients with the HPV virus in their mouths. And while smoking and drinking are also known risks for tonsil cancer, tobacco-related cancers have declined.

Not that we’re above snickering over an out-of-context quote:

“If they have a lump in their throat, especially if it’s on one side and it doesn’t go away with antibiotics, they should see a doctor,” [researcher Tina] Dalianis says.

Or you could, y’know, back away.

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1. The Reacharound.

Pros: Universal human gesture of warmth.

Cons: Old-lady cooties.

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What do you think motivates Obama to so rapidly increase the scope of government?

• He’s a traumatized, dysfunctional narcissist who is unconsciously destroying America
• He’s using the economic crisis to make changes to America the public would otherwise never accept
• Just as critics warned, he’s a Manchurian candidate and is now implementing his programming
• He’s a hardcore leftist who is faithfully implementing his socialist coup d’etat

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Nabisco suggests a heartwarming kitty photo to calm everyone down, but this is all we can find.

We haven’t paid much attention to space travel since they faked the moon landing, but the International Space Station news over the past couple of weeks makes us wonder what kind of pigsty they’re running up there.

First there was the story about the Japanese astronaut not changing his shorts, which we would consider very abusive in a closed environment.

Then there was the rumor about NASA offering Stephen Colbert a naming opportunity with a toilet, in lieu of the new node that’s rightfully his.

And now we’re hearing about a Commienaut bitching because the Yanks won’t let him use their bathroom.

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• Fuck Off
• Zombie Aboard
• The Altered State

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