Vanity License Plates We’d Buy

License to pestork.

  • Fuck Off
  • Zombie Aboard
  • The Altered State

  • America’s Meth Lab
  • Famous Bazongas
  • Little State of Horrors
  • 10,000 Strip Mines
  • Land of Blagojevich
  • My Other State is Solvent
  • Live Free, Die Anyway
Kaine OKs ‘Choose Life’ anti-abortion license plates [Richmond Times-Dispatch]

Wait till one of them gets into a serious accident of which the irony of said plate will be completely lost or ignored.

Just wait, someone’s gonna climb a tower with a rifle, and that plate will be on their car pickup truck.

Or a Suburban full of home-schooled tots, driven by their Palin-loving mother, plows into a Unitarian church picnic. Jesus told her to!

An alternate logo, per Neil Young: Welfare Mothers Make Better Lovers.

I had a plate once that that said: IDFUKU2

OK, I’m a liar. I never had such a plate. But it would be cool.

DEVELOPING HARD: Shamwow guy arrested for punching a prostitute.

Next: Billy Mays hauled off to county lockup, screaming: “for problems big and small, crystal meth solves them all!”

@chicago bureau:
She must have been in on the conspiracy by the Paper Towel Conglomerates.

Sorry, I watched part of the Parallax View last night on TCM.

Kahlifornya: Direct Democracy Rulez!!1!

ADD: California: Arizona can have the Imperial Valley

Michigan: I can haz carz plz?

New Jersey: then Jesus wept

Oklahoma: Go ahead, Mess with Texas


New Jersey: Where Hope Goes to Die

Arkansas: Thank God for Mississippi

Georgia: Pay That “Deliverance” Picture No Mind, Hear?

@Nabisco: I always thought the actual motto on the OK plates, “Oklahoma is OK”, said it all about the state’s self-image.

Oregon: Californians Go Home
New Mexico: Californians, Texans, and Oklahomans Go Home

And I think people who live in Washington to avoid income tax and shop in Oregon to avoid sales tax (I mean you, Vancouverites) should have to have a special “I Am A Freeloader” tag so we knew who to force into the potholes on the roads.

Mistress Cynica: a special “I Am A Freeloader” tag


There should be a competition between Wisconsin, Indiana and Michigan to see who can claim “GO HOME, F.I.B.” for their tags.

@Mistress Cynica: Do they still have sawmills in Vancouver WA, or has all that gone away?

@SanFranLefty: hmm, I always thought it was more of a comedic art.

I hate my dentist. The motherfucking Kraut had me sitting in the lobby for 1 1/2 hours while his shit-for-brains assistant took forever to check on my insurance. Then he tells me I have a cavity so small it doesn’t show up on the x-ray but I should have it filled anyhow. So he says he can do this fast w/o anesthesia. OK, fine … right up until he gets drill happy. I give him the universal sign for THAT HURTS and he comes back with “zuzt too mor zekonds” Fuckin’ Nazi. Now I remember why it’s been three years since the last time I went there.

@Jamie Sommers:
Getting a filling without anesthesia? Girl, you are HARD CORE.

@SanFranLefty: The only hallucination I’ve had in my life was when I was eight and the dentist gassed me to pull a tooth.

Marvelous psychedelic trip — only I could hear everything going on, and tried to alert the dentist that I wasn’t out yet. Which, given the block keeping my mouth open, came out like a David Lynch soundtrack. I’m told I cleared the reception area with my screaming.

Oh, and the tooth yanked out just fine.

@Jamie Sommers: I can’t believe you went to a German dentist. Dear lord, woman, did you learn nothing from “Marathon Man”?

@Dodgerblue: I think those are pretty much gone.

@Jamie Sommers: @SanFranLefty:

Yeah, WTF, Jamie?!?! This is not medieval Europe!!!! when someone says “I want to drill on your teeth without anesthesia”, the correct response is “Fuck You”.

@SanFranLefty: Nah, I just believed the asshole when he said it was just a “zpot” and was in a hurry to get out of there because I’d already been there over 2 hours by the time he got to it.

@Mistress Cynica: I had no idea when I made the first appt w/ him several years ago and then when I made the new appt, he was the only one available that day. If at any time he asked me if it was safe, I was ready to stick a shiv in his balls.

ADD:@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: I wish I had. He fuckin’ revved that thing up a couple of times before he started drilling. No shit. Like he was at the start of drag race or something. That fucktard ruined my whole day.

And he thinks I’m coming back to get molded for a mouth guard. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

@Jamie Sommers: There is a realtor here in Ojai named Jamie Sommers. Ojai is the home of US American astronaut Lee Majors, btw.

@Jamie Sommers:

Funniest Simpsons in a long time was a trip to the dentist.

(sign outside dentist’s office):

No matter how you’re brushing, you’re doing it wrong.


Hygenist: Now I want you to floss thorougly twice a day…

Bart: So you want me to do your job, every day, for free? I don’t think so.

@Jamie Sommers:

My family went to the same small-town dentist for like 30 years, and my mom still goes there. This dude was a total sadist. I’d have to get the gas everytime I went–even just for a cleaning–because he would use the root planer so violently that blood would shoot out of my mouth like a Kung Fu movie. Not knowing any differently, I just assumed that’s what every dental visit was like.

When I moved to SEA, I had to find a new dentist, and I was shocked how simple and gentle the cleaning process was. Not even a single tortured scream overheard from the waiting room. They even ask me if it hurts! Ha, amazing!

@Original Andrew: With the exception of Herr Szell, I’ve had pretty good experiences with dentists. The only recurring problem has been with those sharp xray films that stab my gums and make me gag. I’m sure it wouldn’t be so bad but I have a thing about it now and I tense up when the hygenist comes near my mouth.

Same thing with the cateract doohickey at the opthamologist. I can’t not blink when I see the machine coming toward me.

@Jamie Sommers: I solve both those problems by taking a Xanax before my appointments. Actually, I solve a lot of problems that way.

@Jamie Sommers: When the doc says “you may feel a little pressure here,” it’s time to start scanning for the exits.

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