Back in a previous life, under this graphic, we would post an occasional item about the utopian silliness of Wired magazine. Our favorite entry ran like this:

“You think Java is important — wait until we have a similar language for storytelling.” —Nicholas Negroponte, Wired, July 1996

FUNCTION Serpent(Gen_3:5) {

   IF (AdamRib == EatFruit) {
      EyeState = Open;
      KnowledgeState = GoodEvil;
      MortalState = SurelyDie;

   } ELSE {
      MortalState = LiveForever;
   }
}

DO SERPENT

Since we posted this to, y’know, a website, it wasn’t like we had a Luddite antagonism to the Internet. It wasn’t even like we weren’t then — and remain now — something of a digital utopian ourself, especially when it comes to the democratizing of mass communication.

But the nature of Wired’s utopian vision was just flat-out hilarious, seeing as it had no grounding in human nature. From the perspective of the Nineties, it was clear that the Internet would accomplish — or, more precisely, allow — Great Things. It wouldn’t, however, turn human beings into something else. Wherever you go in cyberspace, there you are.

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Title: “Of Thee I Zing: America’s Cultural Decline from Muffin Tops to Body Shots”

Authors: Laura Ingraham and Raymond Arroyo

Rank: 48

Blurb: “While Laura Ingraham was walking through a Northern Virginia shopping mall one Saturday afternoon, it all became clear to her. Everywhere she turned, she saw signs of the impending disaster: zombie teens texting each other across a café table; a man having his eyebrows threaded at a kiosk; a fiftyish woman shoe-horned into a tube top and skinny jeans; and a storefront ad featuring a Victoria’s Secret model spilling out of her push-up bra and into the faces of young passersby.”

Review: “Watch any old movie from the 30’s, 40’s or 50’s and everyone is wearing dresses, suits, ties, etc. Very few flip-flops, tank tops and tattoo’s. And we are getting numb to vulgarity.”

Customers Also Bought: “After America: Get Ready for Armageddon”, by Mark Steyn

Footnote: Speaking from experience, we’re inclined to agree: Life was better before AM radio was polluted by the likes of Laura Ingraham.

Of Thee I Zing [Fuck Amazon]

In honor of Carmageddon, we thought we’d revive our favorite movie about the 405. Which is also, as far as we know, the only movie about the 405.

Carmageddon could result in 20-mile back-up on 405 [LAT]

[Atlantic]

Our guest columnist is The Most Not Reverend Rick Perry.

At twenty-seven years old, I knew that I’d been called to the ministry. I’ve just always been really stunned by how big a pulpit I was gonna have! I still am. I truly believe with all my heart that God has put me in this place at this time to do His will.

On Aug. 6 of this year, 2011, we are going to have a day of prayer and fasting. And it’s going to be the real deal. It’s not going to be some program where we line up a dozen political figures to come in and talk. It’s going to be people standing on that stage, projecting and proclaiming Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior at Reliant Stadium in Houston…

Our founding fathers understood that [property] was a very important part of the pursuit of happiness. Being able to own things that are your own is one of the things that makes America unique. But I happen to think that it’s in jeopardy.

It’s in jeopardy because of taxes; it’s in jeopardy because of regulation; it’s in jeopardy because of a legal system that’s run amok. And I think it’s time for us to just hand it over to God and say, “God, You’re going to have to fix this.”…

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“Sarah Palin’s political action committee raised over $1.6 million in the first half of 2011, according to a report set to be released Thursday. She now has approximately $1.4 million cash on hand despite having spent almost $1.6 million over the same period, according to Sarah PAC. But the funds raised cannot be used for a potential run for the White House in 2012.” [CNN]

“The FBI has opened an investigation into allegations that media mogul Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. sought to hack into the phones of Sept. 11 victims, a law enforcement official said Thursday.” [AP/MSNBC]