Selections from the IMDb “Parents Guide” for the new Muppet movie.

• A female muppet kisses a male muppet.
• A male muppet kisses a chicken muppet.
• A muppet tells another muppet to imagine an audience of humans naked.

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Our guest columnist is Herman Cain!’s lawyer.

Mr. Cain[!] has been informed today that your television station plans to broadcast a story this evening in which a female will make an accusation that she engaged in a 13-year long physical relationship with Mr. Cain[!]. This is not an accusation of harassment in the workplace — this is not an accusation of an assault — which are subject matters of legitimate inquiry to a political candidate.

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Newt Gingrich: “I think that we need to consider taking more explicit steps to make it expensive to be a drug user. It could be through testing before you get any kind of federal aid. Unemployment compensation, food stamps, you name it.” [Yahoo]

Ten thousand zombies gathered in Mexico City on Saturday to protest the 1% living break the Guinness world record, set by Asbury Park’s 4,093 Undead last year.

[via Raw Story]

“Genesis 17:24. Abraham was 99 years old when the flesh of his foreskin was cut off.”

A scene from The Brick Testament by Brendan Powell Smith, which illustrates Bible tales with Legos. Walmart-owned Sam’s Club pulled ten thousand copies of the book version off its shelves last week, issuing this statement:

“After selling this specific version online and in several club locations, we received numerous concerns from members and parents about the mature content for a perceived children’s book. Sam’s Club made a business decision to discontinue sales of ‘The Brick Bible’.”

But Smith is a step ahead of them — his website includes this warning: “The Bible contains material some may consider morally objectionable and/or inappropriate for children.”

Title: “Being George Washington: The Indispensable Man, as You’ve Never Seen Him”

Author: Glenn Beck

Rank: 30

Blurb: “If Washington had been perfect, then there would be no way to build another one.”

Review: “George Washington is America’s hero who belongs to us all regardless of your political persuasion. The only exclusion to the Washington hero rule would be Kenyan born, Indonesian trained Marxists and people with names like Piven, Sunstein and Jones amongst some other sad-sack pinkos.”

Customers Also Bought: “The Question of Freemasonry and the Founding Fathers” by David Barton

Footnote: The 1776 Glenne Becke would more likely use a blackboard to show how the subversive domestic terrorists were backed by a foreign power with a suspicious religion.

Being George Washington [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

America’s not just about pepper-spray-enhanced “competitive shopping” — it’s also about good ol’ fashioned mêlées over two-dollar waffle makers. You can’t help but love America. But only at a safe distance.

[via @m_weber]