Sarah Palin. Joe the Plumber. Rush Limbaugh. Eric Cantor. Bobby Jindal. The GOP all stars who would save their party are a pretty sorry bunch. They are deeply ignorant and breathtakingly selfish people. Yet the wingnuts heap praise on these loons and clamor for one of them to ride to the rescue. And now there’s another candidate:
SITTING in the back seat of his mother’s van as she drives through Atlanta suburbs, Jonathan Krohn is about to sign off with a conservative radio talk show host in Florida. In the 40 minutes he’s been on the air, with the help of his mother’s cellphone, this hyper-articulate Georgia eighth grader has attacked the stimulus bill, identified leaders he thinks will salvage the Republican Party’s image, and assessed the legitimacy of Barack Obama’s birth certificate.
Would it surprise you if I told you he’s home-schooled?
The interview concluded, Jonathan wistfully handed his mother her cellphone. His parents still won’t let him have one, even though he turned 14 last Sunday, right after he became an instant news media darling and the conservative movement’s underage graybeard at last weekend’s Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington.
A 14-year-old boy whose voice hasn’t changed yet? This is how the GOP plans to come back?
With some skepticism, they gave him a spot on a Friday panel of grassroots activists. But Jonathan, an experienced child actor, rocked the house with a three-minute speech, which was remarkable not so much for what he said, but his electrifying delivery. The speech was part pep talk, part book promotion. By Saturday morning, an archdeacon of the movement was saying, “I’m Bill Bennett: I used to work for Ronald Reagan and now I’m a colleague of Jonathan Krohn’s!”
Bill, Bill, how far you have fallen.
In less than a week, Jonathan appeared on “Fox and Friends” and CNN, and broadcast network anchors requested interviews. He has lost count of the number of radio shows he has spoken on. Though his family has received hate mail, accusing them of brainwashing their son, a Jonathan Krohn fan club has sprung up on Facebook. High honors: Jon Stewart has already poked fun at him.
Of course none of this has gone to the kid’s head:
Why just that morning, his mother, Marla Krohn, marveled, a staff member for a potential candidate for Georgia governor asked for a meeting with Jonathan. In her gentle drawl, Mrs. Krohn said cautiously, “I’m not sure I’m a supporter of his.”
“Neither am I,” Jonathan piped in.
“But I’m a voter,” Mrs. Krohn reminded him firmly.
Jonathan retorted, “Now that I’m a political pundit, I have the ability to influence people. I have to think about it!”
I predict a rapid rise for this little sociopath. President of the College Republicans (no military service, natch), a few years in the state house, then on to Congress. He will marry, then swim upstream and spawn. In 2023 look for him to get caught a) with a hooker, b)molesting small boys, or c) tapping his toes while offering twenty bucks to suck some undercover cop’s dick in a public bathroom. Of course none of these things will cause him to resign. It’s the GOP way.