1. Ed Asner wanted to get his hairy mitts on her: “Every once in a while, he’d grab me and whisper, ‘You’re God’s gift to man!'” But not fat men. She promised to jump in the sack with him if he lost 32 pounds. He ended up three pounds short.

2. Andy Williams wanted to get his non-hairy mitts on her, crooning about a “tryst with caviar and champagne.” They came that close, but when she opened his glove compartment — this is not a metaphor — photographs of his wife and daughter fell out. “[It] ended not in a fiery affair but as it should have, with a light, friendly kiss.”

And here we must demurely pause, because you do not want to know #3. You really don’t. It’s Friday night — surely there’s a game still on, or a DVD you haven’t watched yet. We know you have better things to do.

No?

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Meth-Head Ted Begs Jesus to Jerk Off in His Face

Meth-crazed, schlong-gobbling Jesus yahoo and GOP icon Ted Haggard is still selling his pathetic non-story to a wantonly vapid media, killing time until he can arrange for an opportunity that can hopefully get him out of the business of mortifying his wife and family for a living.

The disgraced, former uberfuhrer of the National Association of Evangelicals, once representing tens of millions of mouthbreathing snakehandlers, is dragging his hapless wife onto Divorce Court on April 1 to continue making their lives into a snakehandler circus sideshow for easy profit – and for some twisted need of Haggard’s to be jeered at by tens of millions of people.

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This is the new Ford Fiesta.  It has a 1.6 liter ECOnetic clean diesel engine that gets 76.3 mpg in the combined cycle. The available performance engine makes 113 horsepower yet gets mileage in the mid-forties.  The Fiesta has side-curtain airbags as well as bags for your knees.  It’s a well built, safe, and economical car.

And you can’t have one.

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Nojo to MSNBC:

Well, we follow in the political-commentary tradition of George Carlin and Lewis Black, so we like to make full use of the language. Soon as the world itself becomes less profane, we’ll reconsider.

MSNBC to Nojo:

I understand. And your blog site is a very good one with both entertainment and political value. MSNBC is really starting to scrutinize our members more closely. In a tough economy, advertisers have tighter ad budgets and although this type of language has become more mainstream it can still be distasteful for some companies.

We thought scrutinizing our member is what got us into this mess.

Dear MSNBC: Please forward this to Joe Scarborough as he clearly needs a primer.  Oh – and go Cheney yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwelMWLBPik

Say it ain’t fucking so, Joe!

After MSNBC scolded us yesterday for using language unfit for a vice president on the floor of the Senate, we feared that our potty mouths were a bigger threat to the Republic than war crimes carried out in our name. But thankfully, MSNBC’s online health columnist tells us we’re just doing what comes naturally when faced with the profanity of the world:

“There are a lot of elements that are out of our control right now and as a result, there’s a lot more frustration, a lot more fear and anxiety,” [L.A. psychotherapist Nancy Irwin] says. “When people feel that, many cuss. Swearing is something that gives us an instantaneous release.”

That it does. And we’re not alone in seeking the bliss of a Chaucerian outburst — Gallup finds that 74 percent of Americans frequently “encounter” profanity in public. Online, the delightful site Cursebird tracks real-time swearing on Twitter — Thursday leaders included fuck, shit, bitch, bastard and twat.

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I had to put your account on hold. MSNBC is reviewing all sites in their networks and sites containing profanity are an item of concern. If you can remove the profanity please let me know.

Email just received from the “MSNBC Politics Network”, which until moments ago provided the ads that filled the Great White Void at left. And we thought it was right-wing talk radio that was threatened by censorship.

(Update: We’ve filled the Great White Void with a Google ad. They’ll whore themselves out to anybody.)