Title: “Illuminatiam: The First Testament Of The Illuminati”

Author: Illuminatiam

Rank: 32

Blurb: “Fear not for your war-stricken, poverty-ridden planet: help is on the way. The Illuminati’s path for humanity — our Universal Design — has spanned throughout centuries to safeguard the human species from extinction. As this age of War comes to an end, the new dawn will usher in a society where all people, in all places, can live in Abundance.”

About the Author: “The Illuminati is an elite collective of leaders, business authorities, and other influential members of this planet. The organization unites superiors of the world in an unrestrictive and private domain — free of political, religious, and geographical boundaries — to further the prosperity of the human species as a whole.”

Review: “This is where it gets weird.”

Customers Also Bought: “Freemason Logo – Square & Compass Symbol – Illuminati Men’s T-shirt Tee”

Footnote: We have a problem squaring a centuries-old secret society with a Twitter account.

Illuminatiam [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

Happy New Year to you all!

Title: “Images You Should Not Masturbate To”

Authors: Graham Johnson and Rob Hibbert

Rank: 54

Blurb: “Temporarily out of stock”

Review: “Kindle edition took both hands.”

Customers Also Bought: “Rude Hand Gestures of the World”

Footnote: Feet.

Images You Should Not Masturbate To [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

You know you want to see this movie!

On the Internet.

Everyone in the world wants to kill this fucking guy – for all the right reasons. KIMFUCK MUST DIE!

Nojo, want to make a movie? If we can get even a few thousand bucks, we can recruit a film crew and crowdsource the script.

Here’s the frame: Kim Park Kim  escapes from North Korea and invents a time travel machine so he can have 100 chances to kill Kim Jong-un but everyone in the world is so eager to kill him, too, he is forced to hold a contest and give away the other 99 chances.

The contest is simple. Kim Park Kim  will chose the first 99 most imaginative ways to kill Kim Jong-un.

This sets up story to plot point two. Everyone is showing up at Kim Park Kim’s front door with money, drugs, immense luscious breasts to bribe him into selecting their grisly plan to kill Kim Jong-un.

Hucksters playing the obvious angle try selling time travel devices to North Korea to foil our heroes by murdering Kim Park before he escapes North Korea.

This will get us to plot point two. Even if we’re stuck for ideas, we can retread parts of the Palin opera.

What do you say, Nojo?

Title: “Animals (Baby Touch and Feel)”

Author: DK Publishing

Rank: 100

Blurb: “With padded covers, simple images, and an amazing range of novelty textures, Baby Touch and Feel books immediately capture the attention of the very youngest children to create an experience they’ll want to repeat over and over again.”

Review: “THERE IS NOTHING TO TOUCH OR FEEL!”

Customers Also Bought: “Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Click’n Learn Remote”

Footnote: We hear there’s a grownup version featuring Roger Daltrey.

Animals [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

Title: “Grumpy Cat 2015 Wall Calendar”

Author: Grumpy Cat

Rank: 61

Blurb: “Bonus page includes Sep-Dec 2014 overview.”

Review: “Looking forward to seeing Grumpy every day starting next year.”

Customers Also Bought: “Grumpy Cat Earbuds”

Footnote: Any time you think things can’t get any worse, just check the date.

Grumpy Cat 2015 Wall Calendar [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]