Chronicle of Our Life Foretold

Every era needs its Eeyore.Title: “Grumpy Cat 2015 Wall Calendar”

Author: Grumpy Cat

Rank: 61

Blurb: “Bonus page includes Sep-Dec 2014 overview.”

Review: “Looking forward to seeing Grumpy every day starting next year.”

Customers Also Bought: “Grumpy Cat Earbuds

Footnote: Any time you think things can’t get any worse, just check the date.

Grumpy Cat 2015 Wall Calendar [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]


Less hateful and insulting than getting a Shit My Dad Sez Dvd set.

Actually who will think of Alberta, Tejas or Oklahoma? I bought gas yesterday at 99.9 Canada City cents a litre.

i’ll be honest. Like how i feel about billionaires, I don’t give an ant’s ass about their economic feel feels as they watch their oil industries get shit kicked.

@ManchuCandidate: I was given a $25 Amazon gift card, and just thought, “maybe I should get a Grumpy Cat calendar.”

@SanFranLefty: On a pet related topic, please light the St. Francis candle for my friend’s cocker spaniel, Wrigley (he’s a Cubs fan). She had been having some health problems, got checked out at OSU vet hospital and given an excellent report, and then woke up the next AM unable to walk. She’s now having seizures, the vets don’t know what’s going on, and it’s very grim. My friend, a librarian, is a single guy in his 40s and this dog is his closest companion. Even though he’s an atehist survivor of Catholic school, I think he’d appreciate St. Francis.

@Mistress Cynica: Of course. Bumming me out that the candle has been getting such a workout lately. And even though he’s a Catholic school survivor, it might warm his heart to know that the Pope, also a fan of St. Francis, thinks dogs go to heaven.

@Mistress Cynica: So sorry for your friend. We’ve lost so many great dogs this year.

OK, another confession: I’ve been enjoying the Sony emails on Gaukeur.

Mostly because
These $$$ zillionaire
kings and queens of holywoodd
are incapable of composing e
mails that make any logical
sense. They’re bizarrely stream of
i would have been fried on day
1 from previous jobs for lacking
communication skils
and we al no it

Also, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK happened to Aaron Sorkin’s fucking FACE?? He looks like he sucked down a bag of lemons before taking an international flight by clinging to the outside of the plane.

Bad plastic surgery or does cocaine give you Joker-face???

Where’s Tommy? We need our resident La-La Land industry expert to explain this craziness.

1) Found out from someone I was not even on the short list of candidates for a particular position even though I have almost all of the necessary qualifications.
2) Heard from someone else that not one of them was an engineer
3) Got pissed because I realized I was being fucked by HR
4) A friend of mine spoke to the hiring manager about me. I owe him.
5) Sent my resume to the hiring manager and HR.
6) Stayed back to work 4 extra hours AFTER night shift so I could talk to the hiring manager which turned into a 1 hour interview.
7) Hiring manager told me that HR didn’t know my start date. Bullshit, they knew. I figured they just didn’t want to send my resume to him. For what reasons, I have no fucking idea.
8) Might have vaulted over most of those candidates.

@¡Andrew!: Maybe he saw the same surgeon that Renee Zellwegger did?

@ManchuCandidate: Buena suerte, amigo.

And there’s a special place in H-E-double-hockey-sticks for all HRbots.

@ManchuCandidate: Hope it works out for you, man. Sucks that you had to jump through so many hoops to get the interview you plainly deserved, but as a wiser fellow than myself once said…

There is. Except my sister… catbert.

True but I learned something from those years of unemployment. Can’t sit and wait for folks to notice you. Fight and claw with everything you got. And be gracious about it win or lose. HR puts up a roadblock, haul ass and bypass.

@DElurker: RML and I nominate Nabisco to be the first ambassador to Cuba. At what point do I get to pull out my “I went there in the early 2000s, before it got spoiled by hordes of American tourists” card?

Hopefully, It is hoped that Cuba will appoint someone to help us understand their accent. ¡Dios mío!

Kickstarter for Cuban auto-parts importer.

@mellbell: People have told me that I look like Sam Elliot.

Sorry but I was thinking in terms of improving the Phillies’ chances of signing one of their ballplayers.

@DElurker: Yasiel Puig has Willie Mays-like potential.

@Dodgerblue: All you need is a push broom mustache to complete the effect. Of all the comparisons I’ve ever gotten, the only one that’s ever made any sense to me is Michelle Dockery (when she isn’t styled to the nines, that is).

@mellbell: I’ll forever be saddled with Carl Sagan.

@nojo: How do you feel about turtlenecks?

@mellbell: I can see the Michelle Dockery comparison.

For a few years, I had a George Armstrong Custer soup-strainer style mustache. I don’t know what I was thinking.

@mellbell: I can see the Dockery resemblance too, and it’s accurate.

@Dodgerblue: @nojo: The ’70s were rough, boys. I’m younger than you two, but old enough to have my share of pictures of me with unfortunate pageboys, while dressed in hideous polyester ensembles hand-stitched by my mother.

But Dodger, a soup-strainer mustache? There’s not enough LSD or weed to explain that!

@SanFranLefty: Yes, there is. Looking back, that is the only explanation.

The only celebrity I vaguely look like is as a glasses wearing Harold Sakata but I look sillier in a bowler hat.

@Mistress Cynica: Yes, us Dead Wives have an especially patchouli-filled jangly-guitar cross to bear.

As in another thread, considering welcoming to our home two cats.

How do I talk to them? Do they speak English? Are they given to sulks? How do I explain that’s daddy’s vodka not for pussies? Must I hand feed them sushi grade tuna? How do I explain to pugs they’re not temple rejects worthy of death? Tiz a puzzlement. Might it involve musical numbers?

Looking forward to making what’s left of my life altogether unbearable. Like it’s not bad enough. Will they shit outside? Will the pugs eat it? Do I have to name them Geoffrey?

@Benedick: You speak to cats as you speak to adults. They understand perfectly, as indicated by their immediate resentment towards you.

Cats do not sulk. Their only moods are affectionate, indifferent, and pissed.

Cats prefer to shit outside, unless it’s too cold, which you’ll know when they take forever at an open door to decide whether to go out or stay in.

Pugs, being dogs, will eat anything that isn’t a rock.

Never, ever, feed a cat anything you aren’t prepared to feed it every day for the rest of its life. One taste of tuna, and the cat will suspect you of holding out every time that follows.

You are a Big Cat. Guard your turf. Cats have no concept of shame. They will, however, understand that the countertop is YOUR FUCKING SPACE. Unless you’re out of the room.

Any cat name not preceded by “Mister” or “Missus” is acceptable.

@Benedick: @nojo: What nojo said. Even if your kitties go outside, it would be a good idea to have a litter box available for them in the house. Living in the country as you do, it would be best to keep them inside at night to protect them from predators. You will also need to accept that you Can’t Have Nice Things. As for food, I recommend wet food that is grain free. You’ll save yourself a fortune in vet bills.

@Benedick: Since you’re a vegetarian pacifist, you also need to be prepared for the fact that cats are serial killers, and if you spot a pretty bird in a tree, prepare to see its shredded carcass and entrails on your front door mat (if you’re lucky) or on your living room rug (if you’re unlucky). The Oatmeal’s summary underestimates the frequency of the murdering that occurs around our house.

On the bright side, scoring some fresh catnip will provide you hours of cheap amusement.

@Benedick: Your new job will be Kitty Doorman. Don’t expect a Christmas bonus. And then there are hairballs.

@SanFranLefty: You nailed it. As the actress said to the bishop. I have bird feeders – also double as bear feeders in early spring – right outside my study slider doors. We have hundreds of birds that feed and poop. Cats would be doom. On account of them being cats. We have neighbor cats that come up here to hunt. The pugs chase them off.

On the upside in the woods we came across the lower part of a raccoon’s face, ripped out turkey feathers, and a slab of mystery meat (pug 1 got it and ran about the woods refusing to give it up). Neighbors lose cats to the coyotes. Like Christopher Robin I deal with Pooh. (We all do know that was the name of A.A.Milne’s son who killed himself? A little Xmas jeer) But I have a fantasy of a little black cat. She would be so sweet. She would snuggle. But then the pugs would push her out of bed like they did with the hubby. Oh well. Life isn’t fair. As the actress said…

@Benedick: In the end, coyotes are the deal-breaker. Cats are outdoor critters; they need their roaming range. People do keep indoor-only cats, some even strongly recommend it (bird murderers!), but every cat I’ve known needs and cherishes its turf. That’s just part of being a cat, and I can’t see having a cat while denying it the free exercise of its soul.

Except the part about laying on my keyboard.

@Benedick: @nojo: I keep my two youngest cats inside, because I live at a busy intersection. My stress levels are too high to cope with the addition of worrying about something happening to them. Selfish of me, but my vet approves.

@Mistress Cynica: I’m sure that’s right. But I live in Heathcliff country and the dogs are in and out all the time. They lie by the glass doors cursing the squirrels, then go out to chase turkeys into the trees. I don’t see how it would be possible for a cat not to want to join in. Plus birds.

@nojo: They’re still unusual here but 5 miles west they’re a constant presence. That’s out by the state park set in a big old wilderness area. We have some kind of human habitation nearby.

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