It says something about feminism that women became the face of the Republican Party this year. And it says something about us that we somehow managed not to call them all bitches at one point or another.

Consider the temptations: Sarah Palin dropping Death Panels into the healthcare debate. Michele Bachmann dropping conspiracies into the Census. Virginia Foxx dropping racism into just about every sentence she uttered. And Liz Cheney just dropping in.

And the winner is…

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It’s hard to imagine a Mylar Gasbag without Bill O’Reilly. Or Sean Hannity. Yet they’ve both been so overshadowed by Glenn Beck, it’s also hard to imagine what Fox News was like without him.

Much easier to imagine Fox without Lou Dobbs — America’s other Great Orange Satan — since Geraldo Rivera swears he’ll start throwing chairs if Lou shows up at the door. Lou shows up here because of his fabulous descent into birtherism, as well as his ongoing efforts to upstage Pat Buchanan in anti-immigrant demagoguery.

Rush Limbaugh gets a seat at the finalist table for starting the year wishing Barack Obama fails — and not having to take it back. And just to prove the Mylar Gasbag is all about attitude, not just political slant, we’re sharing the love with Chris Matthews, who’s so fucking annoying that we challenge ourselves every day to turn on the tube a split-second before Beethoven’s Ninth starts.

And the winner is…

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The Awards Committee had a difficult time narrowing down every government and multinational corporation on Earth to just a few finalists. It was ultimately decided that the only way to do justice to the hundreds, if not thousands, of worthy nominees was to select a few organizations as representative of their fields.

And thus we honor America’s Health Insurance Plans, representing the well-heeled forces arrayed against healthcare reform. Blackwater/Xe, fronting for the American mercenary industry. ExxonMobil, keeping climate-change deniers well-fed. And the National Organization for Marriage, whose goal is to prevent marriage wherever possible.

And the winner is…

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We may not be able to point out their countries on a map, but we know international talent when we see it — at least when it’s able to penetrate the near-impermeable barrier of American media. So until the last foreign bureau lays off the last journalist, we pay tribute to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who managed to steal an election and spark a revolution; to Silvio Berlusconi, who shows us how dangerous Rupert Murdoch could be; to Hugo Chávez, whose claim to fame here is not sharing books with Barack Obama, but setting off wingnut alarms whenever his name is mentioned; and Muammar Gaddafi, who still hasn’t finished his UN speech.

And the winner is…

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Fuck Neil Patrick Harris. Just fuck him. He promised he’d have this great song-and-dance number to open our show, and he’s nowhere to be found. Did he get the fucking memo? Does he know we’re starting at seven in the morning, and not seven at night? Does he know the Today producers just told us to fuck the satellite feed if we can’t get Harris on camera stat?

Shit. You — yes, you, hauling that crate of awards. Do you tap? No? Fuck.

Well, um — oh, hi! Welcome to The 2009 Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy! We have a great show planned for you today, just as soon as — well, just as soon as you imagine it! Yes, we’re reviving the glory days of radio, so close your eyes, click your heels, and let’s get started!

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This guy clearly needs more fiber in his diet:

A law enforcement official said the man was Nigerian and had locked himself in the airliner’s bathroom. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because the investigation was ongoing.

Delta Air Lines spokeswoman Susan Elliott said crew members requested that security remove the man from Flight 253 after he became disruptive. The remaining 255 passengers got off safely, she said.

Airport spokesman Scott Wintner said it was the same flight on which a man tried to set off an explosive on Christmas Day.

Dude spent more than an hour in the bathroom.

Passenger Removed From Same Flight as Christmas Day Attack [Newser]

Title: “The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead”

Author: Max Brooks

Rank: 94

Blurb: Survival Lesson #4: “Blades don’t need reloading.”

Review: “Let’s face it: at one time or another we’ve all faced a zombie scare we aren’t prepared for.”

Customers Also Bought: “The Zen of Zombie: Better Living Through the Undead”

Footnote: We can think of no better way to commemorate the end of the year — and the decade — than a six-year-old zombie book breaking into the Amazon Top 100.

The Zombie Survival Guide [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon kickback link]