Noted exorcist Bobby Jindal is expected to add “child abuser” to his political resume over the next few days, when he signs into law a new creationism bill.

The Louisiana legislature voted 130-3 to pass the bill, which encourages schoolteachers to lie to their students. Legislators expressed concern that state children ranked only 44th and 46th nationwide in reading and math, and feared that without immediate action scores might improve.

The three dissenting legislators are being held for observation at Cypress Psychiatric Hospital.

Creationism, which seeks to prove that marketing is superior to science, preys on America’s youth by recruiting legislators and school board members to pervert young minds. Experts consider it a leading cause of bullshit in American politics.

A spokesman for God said He was vacationing in Jamaica and could not be reached for comment.

Senate sends Jindal bill on evolution [Baton Rouge Advocate]

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Our apologies — we were taking notes for two separate posts, and somehow we got them mixed up. We hope you can sort them out.

“The more that homosexual activists wave their hijacked marriage licenses in people’s faces, the more people will say, ‘This isn’t right… What can I do about this?'” said Randy Thomasson, the founder of the Campaign for Children and Families.

“One of the things that have hurt the gay effort in California is the exhibitionism in San Francisco,” which doesn’t always play well elsewhere, said political analyst Tony Quinn.

“It’s a weird subject,” added [Kendall] Hamilton, 39, who plans to wed his partner of five years, Ray Paolantonio. “We want everybody to be free, but the image does matter… They are going to try to make us look like freaks.”

A pack of scary bridezillas took over New York City’s Times Square this week in the hope of winning $25,000 to put towards their weddings. Dressed in bridal gowns and veils, ten contestants clambered up a 10-foot cake, complete with 50 gallons of buttercream icing, in a bid to be first to the top.

Anyway, as we were about to say, anything that undermines the sanctity of marriage is an abomination and should be outlawed.

Gay couples are emphasizing low-key weddings [LAT]

Bridezillas take over Times Square [Marie Claire]

Wait… wait… okay. Dig this. It’s like, September, the Republicans are totally fucked, and they don’t even know whether the geezer will make it to November, much less January. So here’s what — dude, turn down the Phish, I’m having a major brain fart — here’s what they do.

They ditch him. Pull into a gas station, send him inside for some Sun Chips, drive off.

And then he’s like — hold on — no longer their nominee! They plug in Romney, or Colin, or Condi, or, um… Bloomberg. Yeah, Bloomberg. Dude’s fucking rich, he can buy a network to get his face out there, then flip it in November when he’s done.

I tell you, dude, I’m a fucking genius.

When McCain Drops Out [HuffPo]

Time to introduce a new weekly feature, mainly because it seems like a cheap way to start an open thread on Sundays, as well as a means to combine two copyright violations into one graphic.

Meet the Press: Tom Brokaw hosts A Very Special Episode, amid the din of knives being sharpened backstage.

Face the Nation: Bobby Jindal attempts an exorcism on Bob Schieffer.

This Week: Boy George convenes a Losers Roundtable with John Edwards and Fred Thompson.

Late Edition: Did you know Wolf is also from Buffalo? These things come in threes.

Fox News Sunday: Chris Wallace attempts an exorcism on Karl Rove.

Guests and topics subject to change. We’re listening to Harry Shearer, anyway.

MTP, FTN, This Week, Late Edition, Demon Spawn

According to the University of Mississippi’s “Potency Monitoring Project”, THC in dope now averages 9.6 percent, double the effectiveness from 1983. We also hear the waiting list for lab assistants now runs three years.

Marijuana more potent than ever [LAT]

We don’t know whether they have rubbers in Heaven (can we segue or what?), but they’re required in equally inaccessible places on Earth. This week’s merry ribaldry comes from our penguin-poking pals at McMurdo Station, Antarctica, which has taken delivery on 16,488 condoms, or what they’re calling “a year’s supply”. We ran that through the CP Supercomputer between porn downloads, and it works out to a healthy 45 fpn (fucks per night) pace. We look forward to the new documentary series “Polecat Penthouse”, debuting next year on Animal Planet.

16,488 condoms ordered for Antarctic base [stuff.co.nz]

Bonus Rubber Blowout!

Somebody’s selling condoms with the faces of Unicorn and Psychogeezer on the packages. Each package features a moderately clever slogan, but it’s early, and we figure you can do better.

Condoms named after Obama and McCain selling fast [Reuters]

Boumediene v. Bush, annotated.

• Guantanamo compared to Scotland. [Kennedy, 27]
• Inside jokes about Congress giving a shit about the Constitution. [Kennedy, 15; Roberts, 85; Scalia, 116]
• Berwick-Upon-Tweed apparently not Texas sodomy case. [Kennedy, 18; Scalia, 130]
• Killing Americans deemed “tolerable” under certain circumtances. [Scalia, 111]
• Fuck you. [Souter, 79, 80, 81, 82]
• No, fuck you. [Roberts, 84, 89, 104, 109]
• I said fuck you, sir. [Scalia, 110-134]
• John Yoo reacharound. [Scalia, 112]
• Friday’s WSJ editorial drafted. [Scalia, 111, 134]
• Catch-22, a novel about arbitrary authority and the absurdity of war, mentioned favorably in dissent. [Roberts, 106]

Boumediene v. Bush (pdf) [ScotusBlog, via Blogenfreude]