To Donna Brazile, Thanks for Everything, Nojo

While we’re marking time until veep selections give us fresh targets to mock, we thought we’d take a moment to express our mad, passionate, wall-pounding, puppy-frightening, Brangelina-in-Africa love for Donna Brazile.

See, we watch CNN during election nights. We watch CNN because we can’t stand Chris Matthews live, and much prefer reading the Tweety recaps later. And when CNN rolls out the talking heads, Donna (oh, Donna, take us now!) is the head we listen to. She reminds us of our straight-talkin’ Fun Aunt, the one who doesn’t take shit at Thanksgiving and serves the most fantastic pineapple ham. (Incestuous allusions are solely the responsibility of the reader.)

Problem is, we know little about her. She’s a Superdelegate! who cannily kept her decision close to her vest throughout the primaries. (Compared to the other Supes! who were lamely waiting to jump on the train until it arrived. It’s our nuance, and we’re sticking with it.) She managed Al’s campaign in 2000. She runs a PR firm or something. And that’s about it.

We’ve been willing to preserve our fantasy and ignore brutal reality until this moment, but sooner or later you gotta send out the spies, if only to keep the prenup in order. So, as much as we don’t want to hear this, let’s see if we can find some dirt:

  • Born December 1959, grew up in New Orleans. So both of us are younger than Madonna. Good.
  • As a deputy field director for Dukakis, amid rumors of a Bush I concubine, she came out with a classic: “The American people have every right to know if Barbara Bush will share that bed with him in the White House.” Resignation immediately followed. Sassy!
  • Donna to Colbert: “Look, I’m a woman, so I like Hillary. I’m black; I like Obama. But I’m also grumpy, so I like John McCain.” That’s the interview where he sets up a Kansas City rendezvous with her, which makes us extremely jealous.
  • Got into a dustup with Teh Gheys over something or other in 2006, which may or may not be deeply ironic. We’ll sit that one out, although we may have to adjust our KC fantasies a tad.
  • Owns Brazile & Associates, a DC consulting firm, which means there must be somebody nasty on the client list. Those oil spills don’t cover up themselves!

Well, we give up. There must be something to resent about her, but until somebody steps forward with photos of her drowning kitties in the Potomac, we’re sticking with our unrequited adoration.

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