Don’t lie, America. We know what makes you happy.

Obama Moves To Reintroduce Himself to Voters [WaPo]

It wasn’t the dirty, it was the words.

Edgy comic George Carlin dies in L.A., aged 71 [Reuters]

Clearly the oddsmakers at BetUS are smoking crack, since Olbermann is nowhere to be found in their Dead Zone Betting Pool. Or maybe Brokaw also needs to kick before that happens.

Meet the Press: Tim Russert is still dead.

Face the Nation: Carly Fiorina, “RNC Victory 2008 Chair”, promises she’ll do for Republicans what she did for HP.

This Week: Red Cavaney, President and CEO of the American Petroleum Institute, demonstrates how he lights cigars with Benjamins.

Late Edition: Peter Bergen is “CNN Terrorism Analyst”. Our high-school guidance counselor lied to us.

Fox News Sunday: Chris Wallace convenes a gasbag roundtable to discuss wind prices.

Guests and topics subject to change. Also hosts, if you know what we mean.

MTP, FTN, This Week, Late Edition, Alien

Honestly, we were joking when we called Bobby Jindal a child abuser. Well, no we weren’t. But we were speaking metaphorically. We weren’t accusing Our Favorite Exorcist of physically harming children.

Not like this guy.

Meet John Freshwater, a good Christian who teaches science in Mount Vernon, Ohio. His competencies include promoting Creationism, questioning carbon-dating, and damning homosexuals.

Oh, and burning crosses into the flesh of students.

He brands them scientifically, of course, using a gizmo called a “high frequency generator” to carve what he considers a highly stylized “X” — one line just happens to be significantly longer than the other. The wounds heal in a mere three or four weeks, after which the kids are free to forsake our savior and burn in hell.

But he’s a great guy, really. Just ask his friend Dave Daubenmire:

“With the exception of the cross-burning episode… I believe John Freshwater is teaching the values of the parents in the Mount Vernon school district,” he told The Columbus Dispatch for a story published Friday.

Well, yes, of course. Teaching values is what science is all about.

Ohio board votes to ax teacher accused of branding [AP]

More grim global-warming news: longer, hotter summers have forced New England fauna to conduct their mating rituals out in the open, abandoning the natural camouflage of local nightclubs.

Confirmed sightings of Sandpiperus cavortus at Cape Cod National Seashore reached a peak of 132 last year, compared to only 40 annual displays of Boffus assus prior to 2003.

Field reports include the following:

• A New Jersey family walking with children in the dunes wrote in a September 2007 letter that they encountered “several couples and then a large group of men having group sex in the nude, including oral and anal sex right out in the open,” the park service said.
• A whale-watch boat captain carrying a boatload of tourists also reported seeing 20 to 30 nude men “playing around” near Wood End Lighthouse, another letter from August 2007 reported.

The Stinque Nature Bureau would like to remind members that should you encounter these Beasts of the Beach, please do not disturb their activity, and make sure your cameras are fully charged.

Park Rangers Report Spike In Beach Sex Problem [WCVB]

Taking her place in American history alongside Ross Perot and Steve Forbes, Hillary Clinton has failed in her bid to buy the Presidency.

The populist heartthrob is writing off her personal $11 million campaign loan, while elitist tool Barack Obama is rejecting public funding to collect $265 million in special-interest money in small, unmarked bills from 3 million fatcats. “That’s change you can believe in, honey,” he told a private gathering of islamofascist terrorists in Afghanistan.

Obama’s success in gaming campaign-funding reforms by working within the system drew a stern rebuke from John McCain, whose 2000 fundraising pledge is one of the few he hasn’t broken. “I’ve already promised to disown 527 support,” said the presumptive Republican nominee while jowling off Joe Lieberman. “Now I’ll have to disown it twice as much.”

Hillary Clinton struggles with debt [NYDN]

In a shift, Obama rejects public funding [Boston Globe]

In case we haven’t mentioned it yet, we have a master’s degree — in philosophy! — and as such, we’re highly trained in the fine art of bullshit.

But we don’t hold a candle to the professionals.

So we’ll note in passing that Shrub wants to resume offshore oil drilling and suck Alaska dry, which will increase oil consumption, which will boost global warming, which will benefit shoreline property values along the new Sea of Indiana.

Or, as the Washington Post inadvertently sums up in its news-brief headlines: Bush Backs Drilling. More Floods Feared.

However, what separates the men from the ABDs is this:

“I know the Democratic leaders have opposed some of these policies in the past,” Mr. Bush said. “Now that their opposition has helped drive gas prices to record levels, I ask them to reconsider their positions. If Congressional leaders leave for the Fourth of July recess without taking action, they will need to explain why $4-a-gallon gasoline is not enough incentive for them to act.”

Left unmentioned is — well, you don’t need us to tell you. And apparently you don’t need the Times to tell you either, nor anybody the Times quotes. Because of the 1,802 words in its story, not one of them is “Iraq”.

Bush Calls for End to Ban on Offshore Oil Drilling [NYT]

Bush Backs Drilling / More Floods Feared [WaPo]