Something’s rotting in our Intertubes today, preventing access to a number of sites — including ours! So the Porn Post needs to be iPhone-brief tonight: Imagine a very naughty tryst between Celine Dion and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

You got a problem with that? Fine. Fix our Internet, and we’ll put out.

First Andrew Lloyd Webber says he’ll drop a steaming pile of shit on my city, so guess who decides to stink out the joint even worse:

She’s had her fair share of drama… and now super-diva Mariah Carey’s extraordinary life is to be turned into a Broadway musical.

We can reveal that the biggest-selling female artist of all time has  agreed to let her astonishing story be told on stage. 

What did we do to deserve this?

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January: Barack Obama is sworn in as 44th President of the United States.

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The evidence:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMbd-3z3xcQ

I’ll admit – I was on the “Go 4 It” bandwagon. I pre-ordered a Favre jersey. But now the pain must stop.  Even the worst sportswriter in the world (in one of the worst sentences ever constructed) shows he understands this:

As the [Woody Johnson] World Turns, and stomachs of the Jets New York Jets ‘ long-suffering fans turn along with it as they brace for the arrival of a new coach and possible return of an old quarterback, the prospects for a Happy New Year hinge too heavily on the fragile 39-year-old hinge that belongs to Brett Favre.

Somewhere in that twisted, smoking mass of words is the right idea – it’s time for Brett to head back Mississippi. Or wherever he came from.

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Okay, we’re cheating — this is a newsreel, not NBC. But ya work with what ya got, and what we got here is a report produced five days after the fall of Havana on January 1, 1959. Viva La Revolución! Or Cuba Libre! Whatever’s your style.