Do. Not. Want.

First Andrew Lloyd Webber says he’ll drop a steaming pile of shit on my city, so guess who decides to stink out the joint even worse:

She’s had her fair share of drama… and now super-diva Mariah Carey’s extraordinary life is to be turned into a Broadway musical.

We can reveal that the biggest-selling female artist of all time has  agreed to let her astonishing story be told on stage. 

What did we do to deserve this?

And we’ve heard that Mariah, 39, wants our very own Leona Lewis to play her. An insider told us: “Mariah’s not sure if she’ll star in it herself. If she doesn’t, names being tossed around include High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens and Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria. But Mariah secretly likes the idea of Leona Lewis playing her. 

“Not only is she exotic, she’s the only one who they reckon would be able to tackle Mariah’s eight-octave vocal range.”

A piano has 88 keys – a little more than 8 octaves.  Mimi does not have a range near that of a piano.  Someone is smoking crack.

Any production, though, will not be short of drama – her incredible rise to fame will send shivers down fans’ spines, and the tear-jerking tale of her first marriage to music executive Tommy Mottola, about 20 years her senior, will have audiences reaching for their hankies.

I can assure you of one thing – I will not be reaching for a hankie.  More like a Louisville Slugger.

Mariah Carey Story Coming to Broadway [The Daily Mirror]
51 Comments

Unbearable shrieking does not a huge range make.

So basically “Glitter: The Musical”. Woo hoo! The only way I got through the movie was 2 vicoden and a bottle of wine, so I am not sure what it would take to get through the stage show.

@homofascist: Can you imagine the suck potential? They won’t even be able to get Japanese tourists to watch it. This will make Andrew Lloyd Webber sound like Rogers & Hart. WHO besides Mimi and the voices in her head could possibly think this is a good idea?

God Bless the Daily Mirror:

We can reveal that the biggest-selling female artist of all time has agreed to let her astonishing story be told on stage.

Yeah. Cute girl with marginal urban background and (more to the point) adequately-exposed tits shrieks into microphone, David Foster makes her rich, she sings same song for twenty years and gets even richer and (inevitably) totally self-absorbed. Totally remarkable story.

I WANT MY DRINK, DAMMIT!

@chicago bureau: Not even a marginally urban background. She grew up in Huntington LI and went to school with one of my friends from college. I visited that place one time. No one there is hurting, that’s fo shizzle.

Gawd. They can’t be serious about this. Gotta be a January fools joke.

Please! Won’t somebody think of the butterflies?

blogenfreude: Oh, no. That is where you are wrong. People will watch anything if it is sappy enough. Celtic Woman, holiday ice-skating specials, Andre Rieu, Yanni — and that’s the educated (?) crowd that actually hangs around for PBS pledge breaks.

And I’m pretty sure that there are thousands of people in and around the tri-state area who (a) think Mimi walks on water and (b) have not budgeted their funds correctly and therefore will throw money at this thing.

And thus we will be subjected to the existence of this crap.

Jamie Sommers: Beg your pardon. I don’t follow Ms. Carey’s career as closely as I should. I thought she was from Queens or the Bronx or something.

Bland suburban upbringing just makes it all seem that much more devastatingly awful. Thanks for the 411, yo.

Does this mean Mariah’s going to go batshit insane (again) when this (I’m pretty sure it will) tanks?

I heard that mess on the Howard Stern show years ago. Once was enough.

@chicago bureau: Anyone catch “The Music of Seal on Ice” yesterday?

@chicago bureau: You might be right. On the other hand, HF has a point when he says this could tank Glitter style.

A long time ago I lamented the decline of PBS programming. I am sick and fucking tired of Leahy, Celtic Woman, and all that other Hibernian hooey. Enough.

@ManchuCandidate: She went batshit insane (oh sorry, had “exhaustion”) before Glitter even came out. You wouldn’t think adding an “oh baby” every few measures in order to get writing credit would be so tiring, but shows what I know.

@homofascist: Which is why she wasn’t able to promote it, which is why it tanked, obvs.

redmanlaw: I DVRd the Winter Classic (knowing that the view from my seat would be somewhat obstructed, I wanted to actually be able to follow the game and see who played well and who didn’t). The En Bee Sea announcer had trouble saying “Seal on Ice” at the end of the broadcast with a straight face. (And, no, I didn’t watch Seal on Ice. I did, however, scroll through other programs and landed on Animal Planet, which actually had a seal on ice, which I watched for about 1.5 seconds before flipping the channel quickly as all red-blooded American men do.)

Lookit — Seal married a supermodel. I think he should quit while he’s ahead.

@redmanlaw: A friend had to endure that for his office holiday party year before last, because the boss didn’t know better than to inflict her horrible taste on other people. On the upside, they watched from a luxury box, so the booze and food were probably good.

@mellbell: You think her promoting it would have helped? Granted, I only saw a preview, but even that blew.

@blogenfreude: No, but that’s how her coterie of fans deflected criticism of it, as though an appearance on Leno were equivalent to a rewrite/reshoot/recut.

@redmanlaw:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88LYwoZ2cWw

@blogenfreude:
The most amusing thing about the whole movie was reading all the reviews crapping on it.

Hey, Mimi did win a well deserved Razzie for it.

blogenfreude: Another moment of pure clarity for you. The Lawrence Welk replays on Saturday afternoon PBS in my hometown, back in the 1990s, was sponsored by — a funeral home. Lovely.

I will say — and this is not counting programming for the kiddies, but everything post-Lehrer — that having wall-to-wall Frontline would drive people batty. Yes: too much of a good thing can be wonderful, and the jettisoning of Dateline/20-20/48 Hours for some hard punching documentaries such as Frontline would be AWESOME CUBED. But, truth: too much of Frontline might lead to self-harm.

And yet: we have philharmonics that need exposure and art museums that haven’t been explored by critics (who may or may not be nuns) and plays that haven’t been heard yet. But PBS seems to think that people like Yanni and thus Yanni it is.

Interesting: with a unified Democratic government and the departure of all things neo-con, do you think that the feds will get their grubby mitts off of CPB? (Not bloody likely, of course. And Michelle Bachmann might want subpoenas issued. But I think Viewers Like Me may appreciate letting PBS be PBS.)

@chicago bureau: Well viewer like me are sick and tired of Robert Kiyosaki.

And WLIW 21 does, in fact, run Lawrence Welk here Saturday nights. “Anduh now Bobby and Marianne will sing us a song from deh Gay Nineties!” Just shoot me.

Sounds like a re-tread of Got Tu Go Disco.

However, I’m still working on the ALW triple-header. I mean how? Who will direct? Where will it open first (London?) How can a ‘new’ show open in three different incarnations? And more to the point: why would anybody care? Apart from four theatre queens and a bunch of schoolgirls in Idaho?

I kind of stepped on my own line a moment ago, when I said “Interesting: with a unified Democratic government and the departure of all things neo-con….”

Oh hai — Bush won’t be president at the end of this month.

Just roll that around in your head (and discount the possibility of Bush Not Leaving). We are done with this clown, this month.

@Benedick: And a friend of mine who is a theater dresser. She hated POO but made tons off it.

@blogenfreude: Many people did. Did and do. Many people. Including some fine actors. They educated their children and bought apartments from POO. Some go out on the road with it for years at a time. I’m told that there is a convoy of more than 50 cars on the road. And when it was first at the Majestic there was a certain excitement to it. The chandelier going up is kind of terrific: coming down, not so much. Certainly it’s very beautifully designed. And Hal Prince has always had a very interesting way of putting a show on a stage. And like it or not there is some good theatre music in it.

@chicago bureau: “. . . Animal Planet, which actually had a seal on ice . . . ”

why stinque is so great.

@Benedick: “Phantom” put Mrs RML to sleep. I hope she did not snore.

In Mariah’s defense, I love “Visions of Love”. The MTV Unplugged show from early in her career with that and “I’ll Be There” was pretty great.

@blogenfreude: It’s funny how PBS and NPR have exactly opposite programming stategies during pledge drives. NPR does all-star programming, dragging Ira Glass into the studio for days on end and running special editions of TAL, Wait, Wait, Car Talk, etc. which means I’m inevitably still listening throughout the drive. PBS, on the other hand, sends many of their regular viewers fleeing in terror from all that Celtic Women/Andre Rieu/Susan Orman shit. And they’re getting longer too, I swear it. The most recent drive preempted my Frontline/Nova/Nature watching for two straight weeks at least.

@chicago bureau: Just try and tell me with a straight face that you don’t linger a little longer when Meerkat Manor is on.

@flippin eck: Thirteen will not get a donation from me as long as they fundraise using shows that tell me how to invest money I DON’T EVEN HAVE! That belongs on at 3 am.

@blogenfreude: No shit. It’s on par with Shamwow infomercials.

Isn’t Mariah Carey the same person as J-Lo?

@mellbell: I will admit to watching marathons of Animal Cops. I love the little animal court at the SPCA in Houston. I think they should have a Judge Judy type show for dumbasses who abuse animals.

Of course, I would be that judge.

And I would kick all those sunsabiches in the balls. With a sledgehammer.

@Dodger&Cyn: Mariah is the one who once had talent.

Am I the only person who loved, and misses, the early Fox TV show Get a Life? With Chris Elliot, and his father, who was either Ray or Bob in “Bob and Ray” and the mother from Father Knows Best? I simply loved that show.

He got involved in community theater in one episode, and they put on a fictional Andrew Lloyd Weber called “Zoo Animals on Rollerskates.”

I have often said that the perfect vehicle for the vocal talents of Mariah Carey, and the show that would sell more tickets, I am certain, than any other show biz production of any genre, in history, movie, music, play, whatever, would be to throw her into a cage with Siegried and Roy’s man-eating tiger. Too bad it would be a one-time only event, but the pay-pre-view would be huge. Just think of the shrieking!

@Mistress Cynica: Mariah Carey can actually sing, in an annoying and overwrought way; to me she often sounds like a European ambulance siren. Whereas J-Lo cannot and does not sing, not even when she makes a public appearance “singing.” I am not exxagerating here, this is not snark, J-Lo does not sing, and cannot sing. Really. Its no secret.

She cannot act either. She appears to have absolutely no talent whatsoever. The whole phenomenon of J-Lo makes me want to burn down a cathedral. The only possible explanation is the touch of the magical dick of P-diddy Puff Daddy Sean John Combs, who also seems to have no discernable talent other than for narcissim and pouting. It must have been the magic of his magic dick’s touch.

Here it is, Zoo Animals on Roller Skates: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmB5I9VmEPc&feature=related

“Don’t be sad, wise old Jellicle Hippo.”

Speaking of commercials…

Just when the eHarmony Commercials are starting to wane (is it wrong to have a visceral hate of everyone in the eHarmony commercials?) the “I never thought I could commercials even more” Go-Daddy show up in Canada City.

@mellbell, rabbi prom: “Out of Sight” (1988) with George Clooney. Great movie, not well known. See it in a double feature with “After Dark, My Sweet” with Jason Patric and Rachel Ward. “The Cell” with J-Lo looks cool, but I have never actually seen it. She did “Borderlands” here and I think that went straight to supermarket cut out bins.

Fun fact: Live action for “The Spirit” was shot in Albuquerque. Backgrounds were all digital.

@Promnight: A buddy of mine who knows about such stuff says that Mimi did once indeed have a voice before the howling and bling rotted her brain. I would agree about J Lo. Woman cannot do anything. I thought her career was about her ass. No?

BTW: Is this some new fashion in plastic surgery? To make the cheeks match the chi-chis in roundness, shape and shine? And is that Johnson’s Pledge she shined em with?

I guess the Talibunny is having a hard time withdrawing from Oxy since her connection dried up. At least I didn’t spend my NYE leaving rambling messages on tabloids’ answering machines.

@Benedick: Based upon my reading of the tabs, cheek implants are the new hot plastic surgery item. Us Weekly had a big analysis of Madge’s scary cheeks last week.

@Benedick: @SanFranLefty: I think one of the rationales for the cheek implants is that they can take up some of the skin that is sagging at the jawline. That, and you can match them to your fake boobies. As for the shining agent, I’m guessing Liquid Gold, given the odd skin tone.

@redmanlaw: I saw “Out of Sight” recently. From an Elmore Leonard novel, yes? Features George and J-Lo’s ass in the trunk of a car.

I’m flying back to El Lay tomorrow from a family vacation, just in time so I don’t kill any of them. I’ll be posting more regularly and with fewer typos. Blogging from a Blackberry is no fun.

@Mistress Cynica: Wait, are you telling me that Mariah’s boobies aren’t real?

@SanFranLefty: I know. It’s a shock, and very disillusioning. Deep breaths.
PS: Hope you and Mr SFL are both feeling better.

@Dodgerblue: I can’t even get this site to load in my blackberry, but it is the one with the tiny screen.

@Mistress Cynica: Wait…

Doctor (to girl with lisp): Big breaths! Big breaths!
Girl: Yeth. And I’m only thixteen.

@Benedick: I love you, that was the most charming joke.

@Mistress Cynica: Do you know the classic southern joke about the guy with the wooden eye, at the dance? He had lost an eye, and had only a cheap fake wooden eye as a replacement. He didn’t think anyone would want to dance with him, but then he sees a girl with a hairlip, and he thinks, “she will understand, she has a difigurement, too” so he goes and asks her if she would like to dance. She says excitedly, “Oh, would i, would I.” He responds “Hairlip, hairlip.”

@Promnight: @Mistress Cynica: Thank you for your support. I shall wear it always.

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