Products on sale at “Shop in Private,” which must have a fascinating customer list:

ManDelay

Mandelay is FDA approved and helps you last longer before you ejaculate.

Coochy Shave

Coochy Conditioning Shave cream is a rash-free body shave for all areas of the body (legs, underarms, pubic area and face). Coochy leaves skin smooth and soft. Coochy Shave is also a highly moisturized hair conditioner that will soften the coarsest body hair. Beards too!

Teddy Bear Vibe Hider

Let this Teddy Bear Vibe Hider be your best friend, and it will keep all of your most intimate secrets safe. This super soft bear is 22″ tall, and totally hug-able. It feels just like a normal teddy bear, but in its back, there is a secret pouch.

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We were thoroughly enjoying this story of the Quarter-Mile High Club — right up until the moment we realized it happened above the Stinque home office. And now we don’t know whether to be delighted, jealous, or scared to death.

But we do know this: The next Airplane! sequel should be called Cockpit!

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We don’t normally use this space to post Alarming Health Alerts, but the news breaking today may doom civilization as we know it:

Blowjobs cause cancer.

No joke, alas. Swedish researchers have traced a sevenfold increase in tonsil cancer over the past thirty years among patients with the HPV virus in their mouths. And while smoking and drinking are also known risks for tonsil cancer, tobacco-related cancers have declined.

Not that we’re above snickering over an out-of-context quote:

“If they have a lump in their throat, especially if it’s on one side and it doesn’t go away with antibiotics, they should see a doctor,” [researcher Tina] Dalianis says.

Or you could, y’know, back away.

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1. Ed Asner wanted to get his hairy mitts on her: “Every once in a while, he’d grab me and whisper, ‘You’re God’s gift to man!'” But not fat men. She promised to jump in the sack with him if he lost 32 pounds. He ended up three pounds short.

2. Andy Williams wanted to get his non-hairy mitts on her, crooning about a “tryst with caviar and champagne.” They came that close, but when she opened his glove compartment — this is not a metaphor — photographs of his wife and daughter fell out. “[It] ended not in a fiery affair but as it should have, with a light, friendly kiss.”

And here we must demurely pause, because you do not want to know #3. You really don’t. It’s Friday night — surely there’s a game still on, or a DVD you haven’t watched yet. We know you have better things to do.

No?

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We do a great impression of Mr. Ed in the throes of passion — Willllll-bur! — but of course that’s our wicked imagination at work. We’d never engage in that kind of activity in real life. At least not when there are carrots at hand.

But in Florida, a plague of Gene Wilder reenactors are ignoring the local t-shirt stricture “Baaaaa means No!” and creating a dilemma for state lawmakers.

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Let’s start with the science. The bone in boner happens when the spongy tissue in Mr. Happy fills with blood. Under the hood, nitric oxide is relaxing the walls of the arteries that engorge your old feller, allowing more blood to flow in. But John Thomas goes limp in the presence of an evil enzyme or Ann Coulter, either of which seize up your arteries by destroying the heroic nitric oxide.

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Times are tough all over in the travel industry. Which is why the White Cockatoo, an awesomely named resort in suspiciously named Queensland, Australia, divides its calendar among months for families, months for nudists — even a month for pestorking nudists.

And which, in turn, leads to this travel advisory: Do not confuse the months.

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