How Not to be Seen

Products on sale at “Shop in Private,” which must have a fascinating customer list:


Mandelay is FDA approved and helps you last longer before you ejaculate.

Coochy Shave

Coochy Conditioning Shave cream is a rash-free body shave for all areas of the body (legs, underarms, pubic area and face). Coochy leaves skin smooth and soft. Coochy Shave is also a highly moisturized hair conditioner that will soften the coarsest body hair. Beards too!

Teddy Bear Vibe Hider

Let this Teddy Bear Vibe Hider be your best friend, and it will keep all of your most intimate secrets safe. This super soft bear is 22″ tall, and totally hug-able. It feels just like a normal teddy bear, but in its back, there is a secret pouch.

My Sexy Little Pole

My Sexy Little Pole is a professional edition stripper pole made out of stainless steel. The My Sexy Little Pole is strong, safe and durable! The pole installs and can be put away in minutes, and is perfect for beginners and the more advanced dancers. The My Sexy Little Pole is much stronger than comparable poles, it can support weights up to 200 pounds.

Nullo Internal Deodorant Tablets

Clinical studies show that Nullo controls body odors due to problems with bowel control, the performance of a colostomy or ileostomy, and/or fecal incontinence.

Smaller Condoms

The Four Seasons Tighter Fitting Condoms are more secure fitting condoms. They have a diameter of 49MM, the same diameter as the other smaller condoms that we used to sell. Typical condoms are about 10% larger than this, so the difference is not huge, but the added security is welcome to many people.

The Robo Suck

The Robo Suck strokes, vibrates and sucks your penis simultaneously. The nubby sleeve inside the Robo Suck enhances the pleasure you feel. You control the level of vibration. You can also adjust exactly where the strokes touch your penis. The result is a volcanic orgasm that only simultaneous vibrating, stroking and sucking can deliver.

Anal Bleaching Cream

Apparently, anal bleaching is the new brazilian waxing. For years, rumors persisted that stars were bleaching their anal areas to look younger… everywhere. Most people, including us, figured it was an urban myth. Then an episode of Doctor 90210 aired where an adult movie starlet came to the doctor’s office and exclaimed “I’m here for the anal bleaching.”


Regrettably, the “Big Boy Package Enhancer” is sold out. What does that tell us?

I had a Teddy Bear Vibe Holder my parents bought me when I was 2 yrs. old. Except it was the mascot of the fine chain of motels by the name of Travelodge and it wore a pair of jammies and a pointy hat.

I had that fuzzy bear with me for at least fifteen years and I used the zippered cavity in its back to hide my teenage pot stash, even though by then its eyes had fallen off so it was kind of a Blind Bear. I used to cuddle up with it to go to sleep. I miss my Bear and I really don’t know what finally happened to it.

So if you happen to see a blind Travelodge teddy bear: it’s mine, bitch. And also don’t bogart the stash. I want that back, too.

@Pedonator: Parking lot behind Twiggs. I left a pity spliff.

I L-O-V-E-D that episode of Doctor 90210 with the crazy porn star who got her anus bleached. She was also the one that had so much Botox injected into her face (and we won’t even get into the collagen in her lips) that she would yell at the doctor when her face moved. It was awesome. “My forehead moved! It should NOT be moving!!!” Mr. HF and I just howled at that one.

OMG, my grandmother used Esoterica for the liver spots on her hands. Granted, I haven’t spent a lot of time looking at them, but are whiter anuses more “youthful-looking” and attractive?

@nojo: Thanks, just picked it up. Though I’m hesitating about putting it in my mouth.

The best part of that website is the reviews.

re: RoboSuck: Man, I can’t keep up with this Robo Suck technology. I’m just starting to break in my RoboSuck I, and now they already have RoboSuck 2! Between paying for upgrades for my video games and sex toys, I’ll have to get another paper route.

re: Nullo Internal Deodorant Tablets: I can’t believe how expensive they have gotten over the past couple of years. Price jumped from March 08 of $21.99 to $27.99! That’s ten times the rate of inflation.

Let us note that excessive suction and inflation can seriously harm your dollar.

Tonight’s soundtrack: “Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady To” by Lovage (aka Dan the Automator)

@Mistress Cynica: I really thought I’d heard just about everything, but anal bleaching is completely new to me. Would it smooth out the fine lines? Prevent or at least hide dingleberries? I really don’t get it.

@redmanlaw: Very nice tunes. Gonna iTune it right now.

But shouldn’t it be “Music by which to Make Love to Your Old Lady”? Oh, they’re musicians. Rebels, like. Dig.

Chill can fucking rock, boys and girls. Holee fucking shit!!!

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