That’s Why They Call It a Joystick

We were thoroughly enjoying this story of the Quarter-Mile High Club — right up until the moment we realized it happened above the Stinque home office. And now we don’t know whether to be delighted, jealous, or scared to death.

But we do know this: The next Airplane! sequel should be called Cockpit!

Our story begins on a typically sunny day in Sandy Eggo, back on May 20, 2005. Helicopter pilot David Martz was showing his passengers the wonderful view aloft, when one of them — a professional pestorking-film actress — decided to show him the wonderful view inside. Or, as our local rag describes it:

His attention was diverted from flying; the woman’s position prevented him from reaching flight controls; and she could have caused him physical harm that would have precluded him from operating the helicopter, according to Ian Gregor, an FAA spokesman.

Martz disputes this real-life Garp scenario, saying a video of the in-flight entertainment that surfaced at TMZ in February proves he can spunk and drive:

He also has said in filings with the NTSB that the video showed he had his hands on the flight controls while receiving oral sex.

But all’s well that ends well. The chopper landed safely, Martz’s license has been revoked, and we need not fear a fiery death by heavenly hummer.

Oh, and before we forget, there’s one more detail you should know.

Tommy Lee’s Pilot Has License Yanked For Sex on Tape [KTLA]

I will not suck-cum to the inevitable joke about motley crews.

And 47.5 seconds to blastoff? Those flyboys sure are addicted to speed.

Speed is life, more is better — fighter pilot’s saying.

Although I suspect that they aren’t talking about a helo hummer.

Sorry, I’m distracted by the grammar mistake in the original story’s headline. At least it didn’t end like Garp.

I am watching an awesome documentary on the business of marijuana on CNBC.

@SanFranLefty: It was more of an unlicensed yank, really.

So the FAA was concerned that the fellatant could have turned from schlong gobbler to schlong chomper? I think the big bite scene was in the Hotel New Hampshire.

@FlyingChainSaw: Garp. Haven’t read anything else by Irving, and the driveway scene is all I recall of that one.

Kris Kristoferson disputes a Johnny Cash tale about KK disembarking from a helicopter on Cash’s property in 68 or so, brandishing a beer and a cassette. Kristoferson of course was an Army ranger and heli pilot, and was flying oil company choppers out to rigs in the Gulf for money as he tried to catch on in Nashville. Landing on Cash’s property was the only way to force himself on the king of outlaw country at the time. The dispute? He’d never be able to fly a chopper with one hand occupied by a beer can.

@nojo: Garp. I read them all up to the “Owen Meany” one. I actually really enjoyed the first collection of short stories that included “Setting Free the Bears”, but I was also a hopeless romantic at the time.

@nojo: Indeed, it’s Garp. I’ve read every John Irving book multiple times, own most of them. The only other authors who I think surpass him in terms of plot and character are the Russians, Dickens, and Austen. Cider House Rules and Owen Meaney are my two favorite, though his more recent one, Until I Found You and an old one, Setting Free the Bears rank up there.

@Nabisco: The Kris Kristofferson story reminds me the story that Willie Nelson’s first or second wife told about how he was quite the athlete in the sex and one time when they were having sex, him standing up and holding her, he did a complete back flip with them still attached. Sounds plausible given who it is, though I don’t know if that’s physically possible. (Note: No need for anyone to post a pron link demonstrating this feat).

@SanFranLefty: What did you think of The Fourth Hand?

@mellbell: Is that another Irving title – or a way to accomplish Willie’s Feats of Strength?

I know we’re in the minority as Irving aficionados (I’m reluctant to mention that I also really enjoy Stephen King novels, but there you have it), but “Setting Free…” was perfect for me when I read it: motorcycles, central Europe and liberating zoo critters.

@mellbell: I alternated between loving it and using it as a doorstop. It took me a while to get through it.
@Nabisco: I’m more a fan of King’s novellas than his books.

@Nabisco: There’s one Stephen King novel I’ve always meant to read, but never gotten around to (perhaps you can guess which one).

I read every John Irving novel as they came out, until Owen Meany, also. I read “The Water Method Man” from cover to cover, from the first page to the last, without putting it down, staying up until 6:00 am, and being very tired in class next day. If I went, I don’t remember, and probably wouldn’t have. I could not put it down, it owned me.

Something happened when I hit about 30. Same thing happened with science fiction, I couldn’t read it anymore. They’re great entertainment, but whe I tried to read them after I was about 30, the flaws just stuck out too much.

I think its because I had turned to poetry in a serious way at this time, and ever since, prose, to make me cry, has to be very very good.

As far as the pilot and the blowjob, for christ’s sake, what about road head? Road head has absolutely got to be the most popular, most common slightly kinky-daring sex act in the USA. I’d like to see a survey of truck drivers to see how often they witness it. For almost every adult I know, it is a highly prized, if rare, part of the repertoire. I would say a treasured part of the repertoire.

And its almost rivalled by highway masturbation.

If this constitutes such reckless behavior, well, damn. I would hardly think so, considering how often it goes on.

BTW, a local outfit sells “romantic encounter” flights over the beaches, with champaigne and fruit, for $400 an hour. Its in a top of the line single engine, a beech with seating for 4 passengers in the back, its almost comparable to a small limo. I wonder, is it what I think?

@Promnight: Road head sounds umm.. dangerous? Car sex can be hot, but park somewhere secluded first! Why would you even do that in a situation where you can’t pay attention to it, or even worse risk death by doing so? I’ve gotten it on in some scandalous places, but never anything so blatantly dangerous.
That “romantic encounter” flight sounds better because you’re not piloting, but damn I’d hate to be the guy who cleans that plane.

@drinkyclown: I’m with Prom on this one. Three times, all in Texas – probably had to do with the long, straight farm-to-market roads.

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