American Pastoral

We do a great impression of Mr. Ed in the throes of passion — Willllll-bur! — but of course that’s our wicked imagination at work. We’d never engage in that kind of activity in real life. At least not when there are carrots at hand.

But in Florida, a plague of Gene Wilder reenactors are ignoring the local t-shirt stricture “Baaaaa means No!” and creating a dilemma for state lawmakers.

You may have caught a taste of the issue earlier this week, when state senator and future Marvel supervillain Larcenia Bullard of Miami questioned whether a new law banning bestiality should exclude animal husbandry: “People are taking these animals as their husbands?”

Close, if anatomically confused. Four goat rapes have been reported in the fate-tempting village of Mossy Head, and a man in Tallahassee was cited for pestorking his seeing-eye dog. State senator Nan Rich, who sponsored the bill, has a “thick folder containing news clippings of cases around the state of people having sex with animals,” which would probably get her arrested elsewhere.

Like, say, Indiana. Contrary to our sexist presumptions, dudes aren’t alone in their taste for mammalian diversity. Michelle Owen was arrested last month after deputies discovered videos of her beagle giving her a good licking.

Fla. bill inspired by goat rapes seeks to make sex with animals illegal [Seattle Times/AP]

Porn Sting Goes To The Dogs [Smoking Gun]

27 Comments

Ugh Ugh Ugh.

At least it’s not the Darwin Award Reject of the Wash State dude who died when his cow (?) kicked him after he attempted to pestork it.

Hell, Kinsey reported, in the 50s it must have been, that something close to 5% fo rural men reported a sexual experience with an animal.

And there is one “famous” american who actually came out and admitted it. Larry McMurtry, of Lonesome Dove fame, and father of James McMurtry, wrote a memoir of growing up in Texas, in which he reports that yes, he and his buddies would, when bored, occasionally fuck a cow.

“Pigfuckers” is an epithet not without some truth.

@Promnight: Is James still performing/recording? I was initially turned off by him, then grew to like him. Some years have passed.

From the Twatter (Colbert heh!), it seems our noble overlord has been traumatized by the BSG ending (I got home just in time to see the ending.)

I think it would have been an even bigger mind Frak if they had Patrick MacNee say this:

“There are those who believe that life here began out there, far across the universe, with tribes of humans who may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians, or the Toltecs, or the Mayans. That they may have been the architects of the great pyramids, or the lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis. Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens…”

@Nabisco: McMurtry has been doing okay, I think. Just last week there was a feature article on a big website, I cannot remember now, Salon or Slate, I think, in which the whole point was proposing one of his more recent songs as the US national anthem. It was a sincere, well thought out, tribute to the guy.

He did a song early in the W years called “We Can’t Make it Here Anymore,” the best song, seriously, the best song, about the US economy during the Bush years, I will come back with a youtube link, if you have never heard this song, you must, and all you stinquers, too.

A police report from Farmington NM (deep red Fundie racist Navajo-beating shithead territory) told the tale of a gentleman from those parts who was fucking his dog in order to breed a mutant. I’ll see if my buddy still has a copy.

@ManchuCandidate: Missed BSG. Family dinner with mother in law, then we sat around writing headlines for Mrs RML’s magazine, went to the mall to get wading boots for Sunday fishing trip with Son of RML.

He’s like a little bit of early 60s Dylan, some Johnny Cash, some Warren Zevon humor, some Steve Earle, and the spirit of Woody Guthrie.

I guess thats praise.

Seriously, listen to that song.

“Should I hate them for having our jobs today, no I hate the men that sent the jobs away.”

Some have maxed out all their credit cards
Some are working two jobs and living in cars
Minimum wage won’t pay for a roof, won’t pay for a drink
If you gotta have proof just try it yourself Mr. CEO
See how far 5.15 an hour will go
Take a part time job at one of your stores
Bet you can’t make it here anymore

High school girl with a bourgeois dream
Just like the pictures in the magazine
She found on the floor of the laundromat
A woman with kids can forget all that
If she comes up pregnant what’ll she do
Forget the career, forget about school
Can she live on faith? live on hope?
High on Jesus or hooked on dope
When it’s way too late to just say no
You can’t make it here anymore

Now I’m stocking shirts in the Wal-Mart store
Just like the ones we made before
‘Cept this one came from Singapore
I guess we can’t make it here anymore

Should I hate a people for the shade of their skin
Or the shape of their eyes or the shape I’m in
Should I hate ’em for having our jobs today
No I hate the men sent the jobs away
I can see them all now, they haunt my dreams
All lily white and squeaky clean
They’ve never known want, they’ll never know need
Their sh@# don’t stink and their kids won’t bleed
Their kids won’t bleed in the da$% little war
And we can’t make it here anymore

Will work for food
Will die for oil
Will kill for power and to us the spoils
The billionaires get to pay less tax
The working poor get to fall through the cracks
Let ’em eat jellybeans let ’em eat cake
Let ’em eat sh$%, whatever it takes
They can join the Air Force, or join the Corps
If they can’t make it here anymore

And that’s how it is
That’s what we got
If the president wants to admit it or not
You can read it in the paper
Read it on the wall
Hear it on the wind
If you’re listening at all
Get out of that limo
Look us in the eye
Call us on the cell phone
Tell us all why

In Dayton, Ohio
Or Portland, Maine
Or a cotton gin out on the great high plains
That’s done closed down along with the school
And the hospital and the swimming pool
Dust devils dance in the noonday heat
There’s rats in the alley
And trash in the street
Gang graffiti on a boxcar door
We can’t make it here anymore

I’m not ready to wade into the waters of bestiality. I’m afraid I might incriminate myself describing the few times I’ve allowed my fixed puppy some time humping my arm or leg to no avail, to my shame and his frustration.

Jobs jobs jobs! I’m reminded of that South Park episode…”they took our jobs!” with the angry mob muttering incoherently “jobs jobs jobs”!

Fact is, most of the jobs in this country (this world?) aren’t worth doing; on the contrary, they shouldn’t be done. Any job that exists solely to add to the production of cheap disposable plastic crap for the landfill should automatically be jettisoned in this brave, new, more economical economy.

I mean, I feel bad for all the people, especially those I know personally, who have seen their jobs incomes disappeared, and I’m glad I have my job, and I could even vaguely argue that it’s a beneficial thing not just for me but for society, but bottom line our business model is just making a better gadget that probably won’t significantly improve anyone’s quality of life.

Just saw Mike Davis on Bill Moyers. Don’t know if it’s a repeat, but I was eating dinner and channel-surfing (looking for ‘splosions or at least some mancandy) and couldn’t resist. Just about had an econogasm. Don’t agree with Mike’s old-school socialism entirely, especially with its hagiography of “labor” and his apparent acceptance of the theory of infinite industrial production and growth, but what a refreshing change of perspective to see on the teevee! The guy has written some really good books.

@Pedonator: Dirty hippy. You’ll need re-education before you get in the cadre.

@Promnight: I established the Pedonator Academy for Wayward Boys especially for cases like me.

Why do you think I took such a personal interest interviewing candidates for the Academy’s wrestling coach?

@ManchuCandidate: Wait, are you thinking of the guy in Enumclaw? He was actually fucked to death by a horse:
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2002382718_horse15m.html

Someone made a documentary, too!

@drinkyclown: I saw that film (surprised?) and it was really strangely moving, while still being disturbing.

@Pedonator: Like this picture!? (SFW and not gross I promise! Probably.)

@drinkyclown: That picture is strangely moving, while still being disturbing, as well. But I assume the guy is just another hunky FFA recruit keeping his livestock warm after a difficult birth. Make no mistake, these are the guys and gals that feed our insatiable maws.

The poor lad probly had to stick his hand up a horse’s vagina, in a barn, in the middle of a harsh Midwestern winter.

@drinkyclown: The expressions on both the pony’s mouth and the boy’s are just so innocent and sweet. Rivals puppies.

@Pedonator: I figured it was something like that. Guy’s pretty cute too, but yeah that pic is still hilarious.

@ManchuCandidate: I’ve always said that the best movies are the ones where I walk out not knowing what to think.

@drinkyclown:
Yes, that is the guy.

And the crazy part is that he died paying for the privilege to.

@ManchuCandidate: *spit take* And he really did sound like Space Ghost.

@redmanlaw:
It is the voice of Space Ghost, the talk show host and not the Sat cartoon guy (Gary Owens.)

@ManchuCandidate: Space Ghost Coast to Coast ruled.

See? I can comment on the Arts, too!

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