Yes, folks.  Did you think I wouldn’t come out of my undisclosed location to not celebrate the annual tradition of the Stinque Kentucky Derby Open Thread?  For shame.

It’s been busy here at Chicago Bureau World Headquarters.  Two solid months of writing, interrupted by (a) collapsing in a heap at the end of each work day, (b) hockey, and (c) getting a girlfriend.  But not so busy that the Derby fails to excite.

And it should be extra exciting this year, and not because of the copious amounts of bourbon used to make this refreshing drink here.  The reason for excitement is also cold and wet — the track.  Yes, we got a race in the SLOP!

This preview from the Guardian has video clips of the big names.  But 19 will run, so it’s about impossible to pick.  Unless you talk to a seasoned handicapper.  Who will still be wrong.

Going chalk this year with my picks — Revolutionary and Orb in an exacta box.  We’ll see.  But now — ALL RISE FOR THE DEGENERATE GAMBLER NATIONAL ANTHEM! (Doo-doo-doot doot doot, doot doot doot, doo-doo-doo-dooooot!)

God, you suck. Can’t predict the outcome of a concentrated series of sporting events for shit. You’re so bad at it, you can’t help but join the Stinque Losers Braquet, our exclusive 12-step group for Addictive Failure Disorder.

Braquet Queen MellBell’s
Salon des Refusés

Group ID: 16383
Password: eventhelosers

Remember, the first step towards your recovery is believing in a Higher Failure. The second step is admitting you thought FGCU was some kind of exotic fungus.

There’s a reason why the Stinque Braquet is the worst hell on earth: Hope.

Every fool who has ventured here over the years has looked up to the light, and imagined climbing to victory. So easy… So simple… And like shipwrecked men turning to sea water from uncontrollable thirst, many have been ridiculed trying.

By us, of course.

Read more »

Your erstwhile correspondent has had a bit of trouble picking this grand event of Sport — this celebration of violence and committee meetings.  And like most things for me, it’s ruled by emotions.  How can you pick a Harbaugh over a Harbaugh? (It’s hard.  Yes — Jim led Tree out of the darkness. But John has the same DNA.  Tough.)  How can you root for a team from San Francisco (OF ALL PLACES) who carries a player who’s one carefully-worded press release away from throwing in with the Bryan Fischers of the world?  Swirling controversy over Ray Lewis (swirled by those who couldn’t bother to swirl the controversy that he mighta killed a guy thirteen years ago until, oh, about two months ago) continues to swirl.  It’s a stumper. (Both the game and the Lewis thing.  As you know, I’d prefer to just teach the controversy.)

But: time to decide.  How to do it?

Meet Courtney Lenz.  (Hi, Courtney!)  She’s 23, and a five-year veteran of the Ravens’ cheerleader squad.  But she didn’t make the trip to New Orleans.  Why?  Because over the course of four months, SHE GAINED TWO POUNDS.  And so Courtney — who, at a former stomping grounds of ours, would be described as either HOTT or HAWT — is grabbing some couch like the rest of us slobs.

That tears it.  Take the Niners (-3.5) with the points.  It’s Chicago Bureau’s world famous, often imitated, never duplicated 10,000 STAR LOCK.  And with that, the liveblogish OPEN THREAD XLVII is all yours for the commenting. Ready? BREAK!

He is officially my favorite actor:

“Our Lady of Sorrows, a school run by a breakaway Catholic sect, has forfeited the league’s high school baseball championship rather than put their team up against a squad that includes a girl.” [ThinkProgress]

It’s time once again to dip in to the sea of possibilities.  Time to push our Autotote ticket clerk against the locker.  Yes, yes: the Fifth Annual Stinque Kentucky Derby Open Thread is now open!

As of this writing (around 1300 ET), your favorite at 9:2 is Union Rags.  Which makes sense, as this race (as is the case with most Kentucky Derbies) takes place in Kentucky.  The Baffert-trained Bodemeister stands at 7:1, and Gemologist from the outside is at 9:1.  The pros are saying that these are the three to beat.  But there is a threat of rain, though, so the twenty runners might send Racing Forms into the blender.  As is usually the case.  (Really — handicapping a twenty-horse race like this is just about impossible.  Unless I pick the winner.)

No wimmin in this race — either the jockeys or the horses under them.  Fan favorite Calvin Borel is down close to the rail, as is his wont, on Take Charge Indy (fourth choice, at 10:1).  I think that’s overbet, so I’m going with El Padrino, a great value bet at 26:1.  Put him with Gemologist for some nice exacta action.

And now: ALL RISE FOR THE DEGENERATE GAMBLER NATIONAL ANTHEM! (Doo-doo-do-do-doot, do-do-doot, do-do-do-doooot!)