We’re not sure this works, but since CB brought it up, we figured we’d give it a shot.

Stealing the premise of Space: 1999 (and Michael Bay’s wet dreams), NASA will be blowing up the Moon about a half-hour from the time of this post. There’s no Rapture Insurance for this, alas, but the good news is that we probably won’t need our Porn Buddy to cover for us.

Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite [NASA]

• Giant asteroid crashes into Earth in 2036: 250,000:1
• Misses Jay Leno: 1:250,000
• Polar icecaps melt anyway: 1:1,000
• Someone spoils the Secret Cameo in Zombieland before you see it: Even

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Surveillance. You hear a loud noise outside your livingroom window, which turns out to be John Elway complaining that he stepped in dog shit.

Elicitation. John Elway asks you to hold his camera while he wipes the dog shit from his shoes.

Tests of Security. While you’re admiring his camera, John Elway wipes some dog shit onto your shoes.

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No, we’re not pleased. When we learned Monday that Conservapedia has launched a Conservative Bible — claiming “liberal bias” in other translations — our first impulse was to head for the mall roof and start shooting. Our own Stinque Zombie Bible got there first, after all, right down to wiki-based collaborative editing.

(Okay, fine. The LOLCat Bible got there before us. But we don’t talk about them.)

Like us, the Conservapederasts use the King James version as their starting point — ignoring the fact that a free public-domain translation amounts to building their conservative castle upon socialist sand. They ask their editors to follow ten guidelines, including using “powerful conservative terms,” expressing the “logic of hell,” and “not dumbing down the reading level.”

We simply ask folks to rewrite passages for maximum splatter: “If it bleeds, it leads.” And we guarantee that our version involves a lot more brains than theirs.

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It pains us to say this, but the bell may be tolling for Glenn Beck.

The signs were there after the Gazillion Teabagger March last month, what with Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin grumbling about his popularity. At the time, we dismissed it as professional jealousy, but Lindsey Graham has put our hypothesis to the test the past few days, and the prognosis is dim:

• Graham, Thursday: “Only in America can you make that much money crying.”
• Beck, Friday: “Lindsey Graham hating my guts is probably the highest honor I’ve ever received.”
• Graham, Sunday: “You can listen to him if you like. I choose not to.”

See what Lindsey did there? He pushed back. And on Fox News Sunday, no less. Without consequence. If you can’t even get South Carolina’s fourth-ranked douchebag to toss your salad, you can kiss your crying game goodbye.

Graham: Beck is not the voice of conservatism [Think Progress]

In what is surely the most awesome thing to hit the Internet since the Stinque Zombie Bible, the University of Florida has published a Zombie Preparedness Guide, in the event Gainesville is overrun by the Undead.

Besides College Republicans.

The document is structured as a training exercise, since you don’t want to lose your head while everyone else is, um, losing theirs. In addition to properly identifying “difficult to kill, flesh-eating perpetrators”, staff are advised in appropriate armaments:

Some employees may prefer weapons such as chain saws, baseball bats, and explosives that have been shown to be effective against zombies. Given the stress on staff to be anticipated during a zombie outbreak, employees should be given the flexibility to choose their own weaponry thereby diminishing anxiety. However, the University will need to consider the savings gained at economies of scale as well as enhanced ability to support a standard anti-zombie weapons “kit.”

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