Recognizing the 8 Signs of Terrorism

Surveillance. You hear a loud noise outside your livingroom window, which turns out to be John Elway complaining that he stepped in dog shit.

Elicitation. John Elway asks you to hold his camera while he wipes the dog shit from his shoes.

Tests of Security. While you’re admiring his camera, John Elway wipes some dog shit onto your shoes.

Funding. John Elway hits you up for a sawbuck to take his shoes to the cleaners, promises he’ll pay you back as soon as the furniture-store check clears.

Acquiring Supplies. You encounter John Elway at the supermarket buying lunchbags, butane lighters, and canned beans with the money you gave him.

Impersonation. You ask John Elway to autograph your box of Wheaties, but he signs it “Brett Favre.”

Rehearsal. Turning into your driveway, you wonder why John Elway is running sprints from the street to your door and back.

Deployment. John Elway leaves a flaming bag of shit on your porch.

Terrorism watch video narrated by… John Elway? [Raw Story]

Are there 8 signs?

One would think you only need one.
“Those brown people are out to get you!!!!”

Okay maybe 2.
“If the terriwrists are here in Bumfuck XX and not in LA, DC, NYC or maybe SF then they got lost and made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.”

Who the hell is John Elway? Is this another ex-Sport guy?

I did not realize that Colorado was target number one.

Tangentially on-topic, here is a link to an interview with the always-interesting Gore Vidal:

Horse Toothed Right Wing Fuck XQB Gets Cut Off in Bar, Abuses Server.

Read the linked to original column.


From the comments:

Hyphen says:

If John Elway mashed his cock against my bar’s window, exposing his Orange Crush to a sea of passersby, I still would not kick him out of my bar. Instead I’d comission a busser to soap an outline of the cock and then I would make a placcard that said, “On this day, at this hour, an extremely inebriated John Elway mashed his cock against our bar’s window. And we bought him a shot afterwards.”

Which, in a nutshell, is what is wrong with our national obsession with sports.

@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: Breaking/Sport – M.C. Hammer advising 49ers holdout Michael Crabtree in contract talks.

Break it down!


U Can’t Touch This … W/O $2.4M
2 Legit 2 Quit … Unless U Give Me Mo $
Cash4Gold and Red

U got to Play
U got to play
U got to play
Just to get Hammer paid

@Jamie Sommers is an island: Golden parachute pants to become part of 49ers uniform.

Notable: Elway’s a Stanford grad. One shakes one’s head.

Donations to a charity you’ve never heard of? Would that be, like, almost any charity?

Monitoring police radios? My dad does that. As does every rural yokel with a citizens band radio.

This was (produced? endorsed?) by something called The Citizens for Empowered Living and Learning — AKA The Cell. Which could be the breeding ground for a sleeper cell at a yoga studio near you. Or, perhaps, something much more sinister, as its mission is addressing the most important global issue of our time – terrorism.

@chicago bureau: Condoleeza was a Stanford Provost. John Yoo is a Berkeley Law Professor. Bush was, incredibly, a graduate of Harvard and Yale. Ivy League, or even Phoenix University provenance, can’t begin to predict the evil you may wreak.

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