• Believe Obama doesn’t love America: 48%
• Personally love only the white parts: 47%
• Would shoot their dog if Glenn Beck told them to: 13%
• Believe that 1 in 5 is higher than 1 in 3, and that 1 in 10 would be even higher: 71%
• Dip: 27%
• Have trouble distinguishing ass from hole in the ground: 33%
• Secretly jealous of David Vitter: 47% (Louisiana only)
• Consider the language option at ATMs a dire threat to the Republic: 37%
• Would crucify Jesus if they didn’t know his name: 61%
• Have a clue: Statistically insignificant

New Poll: 48% Of Republicans Say Obama Does Not Love America — 27% Say He Does [TPM]

David Vitter leads Charlie Melancon in latest poll on Senate race [Times-Picayune]

A premature celebration for the GOP [WaPo]

After reviewing the evidence and paying off a source to independently confirm our investigation, we’ve concluded that the supposed “balloon boy hoax” was actually a legitimate attempt to create the world’s largest Jiffy Pop, gone horribly awry when the special transgenic popcorn had an unexpected interaction with the butane heater, causing the pan to embark upon—

Oh, fuck it. But you really didn’t want to hear about the Secret Service being overwhelmed with crank assassins, did you?

Big profits unlikely for family in balloon drama [USA Today]

Bonus: Play the Balloon Boy game!

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It appears that Sarah Palin, freshly embarked upon her new career autographing manuscripts for profit, has decided to invest some of her earnings into the Wasilla economy:

As was reported first by our friend Gryphen from Immoral Minority, the Palins are currently constructing a new chateau-type building on a property right next to their house in Wasilla. As Gryphen found out, the ground on which this new building is being erected was apparently bought by the Palins on July 14, 2009 — two weeks after she resigned.

Well, that’s mildly interesting, in a slow-Monday sort of way. But not nearly as interesting as the shocking discoveries! accompanying the exclusive photos!

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The Management must again apologize for mentioning Sport and Rush Limbaugh before breakfast, especially since we thought it was safe to ignore both once Limbaugh’s team-buying partners threw him over the gondola.

But alas, the story does not end there. No, friends, the real story is just beginning, a story that can only end with the fall of the Republic and the triumph of cannibal anarchy:

Dittoheads are boycotting the NFL.

How could it come to this? How could the last thread holding our precious union together be unraveled? We begin, as we must, with Rush himself, speaking truth to the power he could not buy:

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“Olympia Snowe has sold out the country,” fumed RedState’s Erick Erickson after she cast her “historic” vote for the heathcare bill that she promised to historically take back if needed. And to demonstrate the awesome fury of the base, he told everyone to buy a bag of rock salt from Amazon and ship it to her office. “It’s time to melt Snowe,” he said, after what must have been an exhausting pitch meeting.

Poor Erick. We think it’s time to show RedState some love, and our Amazon Kickback Link makes it convenient and fun. Here are a few gift suggestions we know they could use at the office.

Gift		Purpose
	Crying Towel	Prevent your bitter tears from nourishing the souls of your opponents
	Anger Management For Dummies	Don’t everybody reach for it at once. Sharing is caring!
	Operation	Who needs socialized medicine? Learn how to do it yourself!

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We apologize for bringing up Sport and Rush Limbaugh before breakfast, but neither shows any sign of going away — especially with the latter threatening an ownership stake in the former.

Rush’s fantasy of introducing the Split Teabag Offense to the St. Louis Rams is spilling beyond the confines of ESPN and AM sportstalk — Al and Jesse have rushed in to grab attention defend the interests of (predominantly black) NFL players, who seem quite capable of defending themselves. And Rush himself is claiming he’s not the racist he’s made out to be — he’s just drawn that way by jealous lefties.

At issue isn’t his ESPN career-ending remark that a black quarterback was getting undue attention because of affirmative action, but something a tad more on the nose:

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We’ll admit a weakness for staged public dances, as well as an affection for All Things Zombie. Well, most things — the Thriller video never rocked our casket. Might have something to do with director John Landis being a helicopter murderer.

Or maybe it’s just that after a year of Teabaggers and Town Halls, we’re not in the mood for a global simultaneous Thrillergasm — such as the one scheduled for October 24. Organizers hope to count 270,000 souls doing a mass moonwalk in more than 360 locations, breaking a Guinness record that nobody else cares about.

Or maybe — just maybe — we’re bitter. They couldn’t have organized a mass Time Warp instead?

[Thrill the World]