Sarah Palin dropped by Grand Rapids, Michigan, on the first stop of her book-signing tour. We cribbed Free Republic’s notes to bring you this exclusive second-hand account.

Wednesday before dawn.

Five hundred people in line, temperature in the 30s. By 7 a.m., a thousand more have joined them, everyone wanting an autograph, which will be the only authentic thing about the ghostwritten book they purchase.

12-year-old Katie Hughes, who has waited in line since 3 a.m., “is such a huge Palin fan that she pasted a Palin poster on her bedroom ceiling so the politician is the last thing she sees at night and the first thing in the morning.” Katie is going to lead an interesting life.

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The problem, you see, is that the Star Trek DVD came out Tuesday, and since the original series premiered when we were seven (Thursdays at 8:30 on NBC, followed by Dragnet, and then Dean Martin), we have something of a primal interest in it, but when the planet blew up, and then the dude’s mom was killed, we started wondering what fucking alternate universe have we landed in, not to mention the dude and the chick sucking face on the transporter pad, and then apparently we missed a cool gag in the starship wreckage, although we did notice the Tribble, and why is it the best Trek movies are directed by Trek-agnostics like J.J. Abrams and Nicholas Meyer, the latter of whom had never even seen the series before doing Khan, and oh shit aren’t we supposed to write a morning post?

So, yeah. Sarah Palin sucks.

Our guest columnist this morning is celebrated blogger Sarah Palin.

Any kind of perceived whine about that excess criticism… I think, man, that doesn’t do us any good, women in politics, women in general, wanting to progress this country—

The Management apologizes for hiring Sean Hannity’s intern, who completely inadvertently posted an old column from March 2008, and has been sacked. Below is the appropriate entry.

The choice of photo for the cover of this week’s Newsweek is unfortunate. When it comes to Sarah Palin, this “news” magazine has relished focusing on the irrelevant rather than the relevant. The Runner’s World magazine one-page profile for which this photo was taken was all about health and fitness — a subject to which I am devoted and which is critically important to this nation. The out-of-context Newsweek approach is sexist and oh-so-expected by now. If anyone can learn anything from it: it shows why you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, gender, or color of skin. The media will do anything to draw attention — even if out of context.

Newsweek [Sarah Palin/Facebook]

As if today’s testicle-shriveling event wasn’t enough to fret about, from China comes news of another ball-buster that’s certain to haunt the dreams of at least half our readership:

Bisphenol-A (BPA), a chemical found in hard, clear plastic used to make everything from baby bottles to food packaging, may increase the risk of erectile dysfunction…

Among the men who work with BPA, the risk of having difficulty ejaculating was seven times greater than it was among the non-exposed group, and the risk of erectile problems was more than four times greater.

So: a chemical found in a wide range of consumer products creates a health problem that can be solved with another wide range of consumer products.

And the Circle of Capitalism remains unbroken.

Study Links BPA in Plastics to Erectile Dysfunction [Health.com, via Harry Shearer]

On days that we agree with him, we like to mention that Nick Kristof was a student reporter for McMinnville’s community newspaper a few years before we landed there.

You know, McMinnville. McMinnville, Oregon. Yamhill County? Turkey Rama? Retirement home of the Spruce Goose?

Fine. Portland-area community newspaper. Down the road from Nike. Sheesh.

Anyway, yesterday was one of those days:

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This story is actually very unpleasant when you think about it, so we recommend you don’t think about it:

A cannibal who killed and ate parts of his mother had his sentence reduced by a judge who said ‘he needed to eat’.

Sergey Gavrilov secured reduced time in jail after confessing: ‘I did not like the meat very much. It was too fatty. But I was so hungry, I had to eat it.’

The 27-year-old was given a lenient prison sentence because the judge said he was starving and needed to eat after spending all his money on vodka and gambling machines.

A story like this raises difficult ethical questions, to wit: Does the gravity of the situation override our inclination to erupt in shits & giggles? Our advanced philosophy degree fails us here — stunningly, Wittgenstein never addressed cannibalism, despite a growing academic interest — which means we must again consult our final arbiter of taste: our inner 13-year-old.

Who informs us he would be totally ashamed of us if we let the opportunity pass. Fucking brat scold.

Russian cannibal who ate his mother given lighter sentence by judge who says ‘he was starving, he needed to eat’ [Daily Mail UK, via Washington Independent]

Have we ever mentioned how some stories give us this thrill going up our leg?

One day artificial penis tissue could be grown to help men, new findings in rabbits now suggest.

After implantation with replacement tissue, lab rabbits that once had damaged penises had working organs and could produce offspring…

All rabbits with the bioengineered penises were just as active as normal rabbits — they tried sex within a minute of introduction to females.

Now before you bring on the apocalyptically vulgar with that tantalizing gristle of information, bear in mind that reconstructive penile surgery is for therapeutic purposes only. “Of course,” adds researcher Anthony Atala of Wake Forest, “you cannot control how the technology is used in terms of what patients want.”

Atala need not be so coy. If a Swiss medical school can market an anti-aging cream derived from an aborted fetus, we’re sure Wake Forest will handle its robocock with the utmost delicacy.

Artificial Penis Tissue Proves Promising in Lab Tests [Live Science]