Highlights from the official South Carolina tourism guide’s table of contents:

• Not-So-Hidden-Treasure (page 6)
• Cruising the Coast (page 8)
• A Desperate Stand at the Rivers Edge (page 20)
• Stirring Up Flavor in State Parks (page 34)
• A Taste to Remember (page 38)
• A Sight to See (page 54)
• Mom, That Log Is Looking at Me! (page 54)
• Play Ball! (page 65)
• The Front Porch of the Lowcountry (page 82)
• Carolina Adventure World: Where to Ride (page 85)
• Polo Anyone? (page 86)

S. Carolina Huffs Over UK ‘Gay’ Ads [Time]

South Carolina Smiles and Places 2008 Official Vacation Guide

While you’re searching under the table for where your jaw dropped, some background: Mike Meehan, of St. Cloud, Florida, would like to remind us of the Democrats who held the positions of President, Secretary of Defense, and National Security Advisor on September 11, 2001, and asks that we not repeat our mistakes, lest skyscrapers blow up spontaneously under siege from monstrous flags. Or something like that; we’re still trying to work out the logic.

Perhaps that website will help. Oh look, he’s selling a song!

If you like fat fucks on tractors, you’ll love the video. And if you can’t make it past ten seconds, here’s what you’re missing:

Republicans, we’re not perfect but we know the truth
We uphold the Constitution and the Golden Rule.

We know what you’re thinking, and we agree — no American could possibly be that fucking stupid. Which leads us to the conclusion that this must be the latest genius publicity stunt from Sacha Baron Cohen.

9/11 billboard draws flak from Florida Democrats, GOP [CNN]

Please Don’t Vote for a Democrat! [The Republican Song]

“Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?”

“Talking to my agent.”

“Oh, what did you see, my blue-eyed son?”

“He has a new assistant, but she doesn’t know who you are. I think that makes five. No, six, counting the one who thought you were Luke Perry.”

“And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son?”

“He asked me to reconsider. Said it was a great gig, everyone would be in town for the convention, lots of exposure. Said I couldn’t keep living off your royalties, and I certainly can’t live off mine.”

“Oh, who did you meet, my blue-eyed son?”

“Some dude named McBeth, runs a factory-food trade group. He flashed a roll of hundreds at me, said he knows people who know people. I told him what you told me, but without the mumbling. He said he was sorry to hear that.”

“Oh, what’ll you do now, my blue-eyed son?”

“Thanks to you, I’m stuck with weddings all summer. The gig went to Styx.”

Jakob Dylan’s agents say dad Bob had nothing to do with decision on GOP convention-related event [TwinCities.com]

First convention protester: Bob Dylan? [Politico — the earlier story, in case TwinCities gets all up in yer grill]

• Missionary Positions
• Latter Day Stains
• Beneath the Valley of the Magic Underoos
• SLC Punk’d
• Tabernacular!
• Leave Your Tie On
• Future Republican Scandals
• Big Love — In My Pants!!!
• Praise the Lord and Pass the Butter
• Fuck Me Jesus

Excommunicated: LDS Church boots creator of ‘Men on a Mission’ calendar [Salt Lake Tribune]

Men on a Mission [Mormons Exposed]

GOP consultant on tape offering access to senior Bush officials for library gift [Politico]

[AP/Google]

We were considering calculating the wealth of this week’s guest list, but a bar graph comparing #5 with the others combined would end up looking like #3’s gag.

Meet the Press with Tim Russert: They updated the logo, but the title bar remains ghoulish. Or is that Carly Fiorina?

Face the Nation: If you hear everyone screaming out their windows, Schieffer finally cracked.

This Week: The Governator and George reenact the Twins poster.

Late Edition: McCain economic advisor Nancy Pfotenhauer challenges you to create limericks with her name.

Fox News Sunday: It’s not a swift boat unless it’s a T. Boone Pickens swift boat.

Guests and topics subject to change. Especially if Armageddon begins before airtime.

MTP, FTN, This Week, Late Edition, Some Things Are Priceless But You Can Be Bought