One of the reasons we suspect the rest of the world disdains American football is that we have no sense of style — not just George Will’s violence punctuated by committee meetings, but no feel for proper celebrating. Endzone dances just don’t cut it.

Not when you consider Dino Drpic, a vowel-deprived Croation futboller who made a smashing midfield play with his wife recently.

“Dino had arranged that people should turn on the stadium lights for us,” said future Bond Girl nominee Nives Celsius, “and he finally fulfilled his dream of having sex in the middle of a football pitch. It was very naughty.”

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• Profiles in Pandering
• The Silence of the Moose
• Horton Hears a You Betcha
• Free to Be… Wannabe
• When I Say Thanks But No Thanks, I Feel Guilty
• Idiocracy in America
• Drill Free
• Twelve Angry Turkeys
• Trig Has Two Mommies
• Dress for Success

Palin moves closer to possible book deal [Reuters]

Details are emerging about a massive conspiracy to take over the U.S. government in the event George W. Bush’s preferred successor was not elected.

Sources reveal that the plot was set in motion three years ago, when an unknown Federalist Society stooge was nominated as chief justice of the Supreme Court.

The mole’s instructions were to remain undercover until the last possible moment, when only he could prevent a democratic coup that would leave the government vulnerable to the will of the people.

And it almost worked.

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Caroline and John-John got a pony, and Jack got rides from Marilyn and Judith, so what’s in it for us? The new, improved White House website, which looks even slicker than the new, improved Pepsi commercials, lists the goodies Preznit Barry will bestow in the years ahead, Cornyn willing.

For one, it mentions Stonewall. By name. That’s almost as shocking as the atheist shout-out.

And while some will fuss over the fine print, the civil-rights bullet points are pretty bold:

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SanFranLefty calls this DC street painting the “tackiest Obama shit ever.” SanFranLefty hasn’t seen the Chia Obama.

We’re not sure how well this is going to work, but we’ve set up a special Inaugural Jam for our correspondents on the ground in DC (and String Bikini Theory in San Francisco), and we hope to post text messages as events proceed. This presumes we’re awake.

(Programming note: Pastor Doublewide is scheduled for 11:35 a.m., in case you need a bathroom break.)

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