Quick Action Foils Attempted Coup

Cheney Sose

Details are emerging about a massive conspiracy to take over the U.S. government in the event George W. Bush’s preferred successor was not elected.

Sources reveal that the plot was set in motion three years ago, when an unknown Federalist Society stooge was nominated as chief justice of the Supreme Court.

The mole’s instructions were to remain undercover until the last possible moment, when only he could prevent a democratic coup that would leave the government vulnerable to the will of the people.

And it almost worked.

Millions of Americans watched unaware Tuesday as John Roberts craftily rearranged the words of the Presidential Oath, a mystical incantation that, uttered correctly, would cause the appearance of a gay English sorcerer in the Oval Office later that day.

It was only when the poofy wizard headmaster failed to apparate for his appointment that Barack Obama realized the Inaugural Spell had been miscast.

At that moment, Bush was gathering his forces in Midland, Texas, awaiting the signal for everyone to jump back into Air Force One and rush back to Washington, where Dick Cheney would be waiting with his battering-ram equipped wheelchair. The agreed codewords were to be delivered by Chris Wallace during a national broadcast: “We’re wondering here whether or not Barack Obama in fact is the president of the United States.”

The plot began to unravel with the intervention of a former operative of the now-disbanded Counter Terrorism Unit, who was in Washington to attend Senate hearings. As seconds ticked away in the White House basement, the operative conducted an enhanced interrogation of Roberts, who revealed how he had been recruited and brainwashed by Cheney, finally to have his mission triggered by the sound of Rick Warren’s invocation.

A broken Roberts administered the correct oath at 7:35 p.m. Thursday, just as a SWAT team was surrounding Bush’s Texas redoubt.

White House sources stress that like all incompetent Bush schemes, the failed coup never stood a chance: Joe Biden had already been sworn in.

Obama takes oath again, faithfully this time [LAT]

I had been hoping that now Hope has swept the country I could stop reading stupid the news stories of which nojo provides such a fine example. But no such luck. The lefty blogs are still indignant; the lefty-homo blogs are all up on their high horse about some damn thing; the huffington post is featuring a recap of Obama’s FIRST FUCKING DAY! and we all seem to be staring at the same shit on the same screens.

However. I am made sad that our new first fambily, given choices made at inauguration, while fashion forward and dripping the kind of big-city American glamor that makes Europeons green with envy, seems to not so interested in matters of kulcha. The music? No. John Williams writes great movie music, if you want something special get an American composer. The pome. Please. Using ‘cannot’ instead of ‘can’t’ does not a poem make. While I applaud their obvious desire to bring Chicago to DC we must be careful not to provincialize the arts. I understand that this topic, which you’re no doubt all thoroughly bored with, might seem small but it’s part and parcel of the way that the life of the country has been stunted since Reagan. American writers are still the envy of the world. Billy Elliot might be terrific but in London they still say “We’ve done it better than the Americans.” When was the last time we saw a new German play in the US? Our work is seen there all the time. And though the professional scholars mock us, American artists have been keeping the country’s reputation fresh through this long dark time.

So my hope is that if they do nothing to actively promote American arts the new administration doesn’t do anything to harm it. The Clintons went to the movies. The Bushes did actually go to the theatre. As did the Reagans. True they went to old-fashioned stuff but they went. And let’s not forget that the New York cultural scene is a major component of the city’s economy. Shrek is closing. Why it was ever produced in the first place is beyond me but still. Dreamworks was a major new producing outfit that will now probably pull out. In the long run that might be good. It would be even better if we could get rid of Disney. However, we still live under the tyranny of The Times and its reviewers (who have recently discovered minimalism – god help us all!) till some new way forward is found. If it is found. These days the first-rate talent tends to move into the movies as soon as possible because you can make some money there. If only we could have some political leaders who attended concerts, went to museums, attended plays… I would be a happy bunny.

On a lighter note, we’re having the old workroom at the back of the house rebuilt to be my new study. It’s big and bright, with sliding doors onto the garden and I can hardly wait till spring. I’ll post pictures. Meantime I’ll be in SF for the first time and then Baltimore. So I really have nothing to complain about but that’s never stopped me in the past and I see no reason why it should stop me now.

Things will take time. Takes longer to build something than to wreck it.

Not a fan of the Rat, er, Mouse either. I and the ghost of Victor Hugo want to kick the crap out of cryo Diznee and his minions.

I will loathe the day (if it happens) I have to go to Diznee World/land/whatever with any future family I may have. Only place I thought was worth going to was Epcot (Space Mountain was fun, but not worth the 3 hour wait.)

@ManchuCandidate: I found Epcot to be breathtaking in its cynicism. ‘The Land’ presented by General Foods, etc. There is one beguiling and utterly original fountain that amazed me. As for the rest: they don’t call it Mauschewitz for nothing.

I thought Les Miz, while a fairly crappy score apart from one or two things, was thrilling in the way it used the stage. And it is one hell of a story. One of the few shows that if you didn’t see its original production you can’t ever quite see what the fuss was about.

The fucking poem. Cripes, what was that in, damaged pentameter?

Good point on the cynicism. I was about 15 at the time and that flew over my chubby head.

A quick read on wiki:
Universe of Energy by Exxon. Heh.

The second paragraph of the WaPo story:

“There’s no formal name for what President Obama and Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. did last night.”

Oh my. The possibilities with this are endless.

@Benedick: The wife and I ended up at Disneyland Original ™ her first visit to the US in the 90s, just as her brethren were being slaughtered in Srebrenica. As a result, we felt no shame in cutting in line for the newly opened “Raiders” theme ride which was totally lame anyway. If I had been a braver man, I would have gone with a head full of acid.

“…Dick Cheney would be waiting with his battering-ram equipped wheelchair.” – nojo

Plausible. But I’ve got some different, perhaps a bit more mundane intel about the wheelchair.

During a canned hunt at an undisclosed indoor location (live deer and rabbits are released into an indoor arena where they are “hunted” from a luxury box overlooking the arena), a drunk Dick Cheney bet Erik Prince (CEO of Blackwater) $50,000 that he would not stand up at anytime during the Obama inauguration. Prince didn’t believe even Cheney would go through with it and took the bet. The whole moving box injury/wheelchair thing was ginned up for Cheney to win the bet.

Cheney is expected to show up near the Snake River next week for a cast and blast canned hunt – this time launching live tame birds on a skeet shooting range – to be followed by some fly fishing in the Snake (not sure how they intend to put the trout on his fly). I have confederates on the Snake looking to get a picture of him out of the chair and standing in the river to confirm the story.

The plot began to unravel with the intervention of a former operative of the now-disbanded Counter Terrorism Unit
So that’s where FCS was. Never believed that “Vienna” story.

@Benedick: According to a friend in DC who is a regular at the symphony, etc., the last First Family members to use the Presidential Box at the ugly Kennedy Center on a regular basis were Rosalyn and Amy Carter. I hope Michelle will take Jackie as a role model for more than fashion.

@ManchuCandidate: I think things could get even worse for the Evil Empire when economics force not just people but whole companies to start going to more Open Source applications. Hello, Google Docs.
Orygun’s unemployment rate is 9%, expected to reach 11% by the end of the first quarter. One of the plants Intel is closing is in Hillsboro, outside Portland. They’ll be cutting almost 10% of their 15,000 employees here.

DEVELOPING: Per CNN: “Embattled Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich called his impending impeachment trial a sham, and said Thursday the state legislature is disrespecting the will of Illinoisans.”

No no no, Rod. You are playing this all wrong. Is there anything that you can do to stop the Illinois Senate from tossing your sorry ass out? No. Is that an absolute certainty? In truth, yes — but nothing of course is absolutely certain. Does this mean that you have a thing which, in terms of you getting a plea deal, is fucking golden and not something that should be given away? Yes.

And you refuse to participate or defend yourself in a Senate trial and call it a sham? Wow.

[CB ducking thrown shoes]

@Hose Manikin: When I first heard that Cheney would be in a wheelchair, I wondered if he might be feigning injury so he wouldn’t have to stand. It certainly seems in character.

@ManchuCandidate: I’ve been to Classic Diz twice with NojoBro and nephews, and I’ve had a blast. It helps to go in the off-season, and it really helps that NojoBro has the “line reservation” system nailed. We did three rounds of Space Mountain last month.

White House sources stress that like all incompetent Bush schemes, the failed coup never stood a chance: Joe Biden had already been sworn in.

Gawd. They can’t do anything right.

Yeah. GWB may be too obtuse to understand that Barry was talking about his administration during the Inauguration speech, but Cheney knew what was coming – and he had no intention of standing up and showing any respect for the guy that was undoing his “good” work.


There is no stopping us. All your bases are belong to us now.

Don’t believe me? Who owns ESPN, then, hmmmm?

@Hose Manikin:

Cheney is expected to show up near the Snake River next week for a cast and blast canned hunt – this time launching live tame birds on a skeet shooting range…

What, did they use up all the five-year-old blind children?


Incidentally, you should really have another look at The Hunchback of Notre Dame. The animation is first-rate (Mr. ‘Catt worked on it), and it is, IMHO, a pretty decent version of the story, funny sidekicks notwithstanding.

@Tommmcatt Yet Again:
I harbor no ill will towards the animation. My spite is directed to the suits who thought it would be great to turn a story about sex, racism, the church, rejection, unrequited love and taboos into a kids story.

@Hose Manikin: Jack Dennis may know something.

For those of you who are not deep into the last thirty years of fly fishing the West, Dennis is the author of an authoritative ( now somewhat dated) book on fly tying and was also a guide in the Jackson Hole area. One of his past clients was Dick Cheney.

As Dennis told the story at a local Trout Unlimited chapter banquet and fundraiser, Cheney was somewhat glum one day on the river the summer of 2001. Dennis asked what was wrong.

“He wants to kill me.”


“Osama bin Laden.”

Despite not knowing who that was, Dennie looked around for gunmen in the grass.

It appears that someone was paying attention to the daily intel briefings, any may in fact have known a little more than the President himself.

@redmanlaw: No shit? He said that?

That guy will be floating face down in the Snake River by this summer with a suspicious self-inflicted shotgun wound to the back of the head.

/adjusts tin foil hat to keep the rain out of her eyes


“…may in fact have known a little more than the President himself.” – RML

Was there ever any doubt? He controlled the access to GWB. He managed the intel that GWB saw. If he didn’t like the CIA conclusions, he set up his own intel ops to generate the justifications he wanted Bush to see. I think even GWB figured out by the end how much he was played by Cheney. I’m guessing that’s why Scooter didn’t get the pardon – a final GWB ‘fuck you very much’ to Cheney for screwing up his presidency. “He was covering your ass Dick, not mine. You promised him the pardon to keep his mouth shut – not me. You outed the CIA operative – not me. You think Scooter should be taken care of for keeping you out of jail? You got money. You take care of him.”

@Hose Manikin: I just got done reading the 28 page oral history of the Bush Administration in the February Vanity Fair. I’m impressed by the amount of shit people were willing to dish on Cheney and state on the record how much he ran the show. (Then again, maybe the Bush loyalists are throwing Cheney under the FlyingChainsaw / ICC express bus).

@SanFranLefty: Printed “oral histories,” one of my favorite oxymorons. He he, I chuckle.

I read the initial installment, or was the february issue released in early January? Yeah, I guess it was.

@redmanlaw: The only place I ever flyfished was on a pack trip out of Jackson Hole, we camped for 5 days within 5 miles of the headwaters of the Snake River, it ran by our camp and theoretically, we were supposed to bathe in it, but we also chilled beer in it, and damned if I am bathing in the beer cooler. I illegally fished next to the Secretary of the Interior and ex-Governor of Wyoming, at least I think he was sec of the interior, I had no license. Halfway through the pack trip, they asked us if we minded if the owner of the Dude Ranch-outfitter we were with joined us for the next 3 days with his family, it was this ex-Governor dude.

@Tommmcatt Yet Again: You remember the story of the canned hunt Cheney went on in which he and his party slaughtered 300 or 400 pheasant? Thats not hunting, thats killing, guy had a blood lust, clearly, and its not like he came from a hunting background, he was a sissy boy, he took it up recently, this murder-hunting he seems to like.

@redmanlaw: I am convinced that half the reason for Bush and Cheney’s idiocy and overreaching in their “war on terror” was simply personal fear and cowardice, they were really genuinely afraid, feared for their lives. I got that impression when I was in and out of DC in 2002, and saw that many of the staffers were really, genuinely afraid of terror attacks. I think it was the anthrax that spooked DC people more than 9-11, they had all had to go on Cipro, they were in the buildings where some of the anthrax letters wound up.

Whats strange is, the anthrax letters, it was determined, were all mailed from a sidewalk letterbox in Ewing, NJ, just blocks from where I work. Its also convenient to a train station, so apparently the anthrax dude took the train to Ewing, got off, and mailed them from there. Could have started out from anywhere on the Northeast Corridor.

And the guy whose office is next to mine worked in the Trade Center on 9-11, he was late to work because he stopped in Sam Goody in the mall under the towers, and was buying a CD when the first plane hit. He got back on the subway and went home, got out before the mess, good instincts.

@Promnight: It’s called “hunting”, not “killin’ shit.” You want to shoot a lot in a day, do skeet or target shooting. Want a lot of meat? Buy a beef (or visit the folks when they have a surplus of game). My buddy and I split a quarter of one raised by a friend, which I picked up today.

Also, as I tell Mrs RML when I get skunked, it’s called “fishing” not “catching fish.” I’ve been lucky enough to wet a line in Colorado, Arizona, Sandy Eggo, Santa Cruz, Oregon, Alaska, Florida and everywhere in New Mexico but the southeastern quadrant where there’s no water or fish anyway. I can be scaring fish or putting my fly in a tree with bad casts an hour from where I’m sitting now.

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