I Got Nothing

I tried, but the snark won’t come today.  Is it relief that the country is not run by sociopaths anymore?  Dunno.  So I will post this video of Bill O’Reilly bloviating about Jessica Alba.


Bet this won’t stop Billbo from spanking it to her pics with help from his loo-


Excuse me, I just simultaneously threw up on my keyboard and in my mind.

@ManchuCandidate: Glad you liked it – it was either this or catblogging. I’m really in orbit today.

@blogenfreude: You’ll notice I resorted to applauding Barry by clearing my throat with some drive-by snark. This is gonna be tough.

@nojo: As long as we have the wingnut blogs we can muddle through. I just didn’t have the stomach for it today. Thing is – I know exactly where to go to get reams of the stupid. Like this. It reeks.

@nojo: @blogenfreude: It’s not just you. This is one of the weakest follow-ups to a major event I’ve seen from the Onion in years.

@flippin eck: Everyone saw this coming, and The Day After is probably the hardest day of all — nothing’s happened yet.

We’ll always have wingnuts and bitterz and Team Sarah, and Rump Senators should provide some joy moving forward. Plus, once the Administration kicks into gear, something will happen somewhere.

Secretary Swampsow should provide some first-class entertainment, for example, and not just by herself — I didn’t focus on the foreign-policy goals earlier, but they’re holding tight to Israel, which is not the best way to solve the Mideast. (You can’t broker a deal when you’re tipping the scales.)

But today it’s still Inauguration Afterglow, and I don’t blame the Onion for reaching. This may be the historic event of our lifetimes. Whatchagonnado?

Yeah sure, Jessica Alba, Criminal Mastermind.

She’s worse than Hitler and Stalin and Eva Peron combined.

You’ve got’er on the ropes now, Bill-O!

@nojo: According to TPM, there is criticism of the choice of Mitchell as mideast envoy; apparently, the Israelis are bitterly opposed because he has a reputation for fairness and even-handedness. Is that why they have this word, “chutzpah?”


Don’t forget obliterating Iran!

Iran was on Rick Steves last night, and I know HRC is just champing at the bit to blow those uppity Iraniacs away.

@flippin eck: @nojo: @blogenfreude:

I was in an unusually foul mood last night (sad panda because everyone at work was sucking all the Hope out of the workplace), and found myself cursing Plugz and thinking about the following:

1. Hopey needs to learn about being C-in-C; this was the second time he got tripped up by a time-delay sat link, and he didn’t have freakishly cute daughters to save him.
2. Similarly, he needs to learn not to salute soldiers until they’ve saluted him. I ain’t no military guy, but think that’s the protocol. The salute-coming-off-Air Force One was already clichéd when Reagan started it, so if you’re going to do it, do it properly.
3. Finally, do not engage every single person from Chicago in a silly discussion about Cubs v. Sox. Oh and not all blacks are from South Side. You should know that Senator (D-Il) Mr. President.

There will be plenty to gab about. Makeup Hopegasms will always be the best…

There was an “expert” on the presidency on NPR (TOTN) today, opining that thanks to Roberts’ screw-up of the oath, which is in quotation marks in the Constitution and should therefore be taken exactly as written, Obama should do over the swearing in. Preferably with someone who isn’t too vain to read the damn thing this time.

@nabisco: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Dude’s been a lecturer and public speaker for years. If you don’t have a word handy, keep yer throat shut.

@Mistress Cynica: That “expert” should be taken out back and shot. Fucking nation of hairsplitting fucking cockwads, we are, there is no forest, only trees.

Thats what my first grade teacher used to say to us little munchkins when we fucked around, especially if there were any shennanigans during the pledgeallegiance, she would screech “if you were in Russia they would take you outside and shoot you.”

@Prommie: So you’re saying it’s close enough for jazz?

@blogenfreude: fuck yes its close enough. I fucking hate this kinda asinine nitpicking.

My fallback argument is that he did what the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court told him to, and the Supreme Court’s interpretation of the Constitution is unappealable.

But seriously, people who mumble, who skip words, mispronounce them, when reciting such oaths, this does not invalidate the oath, for crying out loud. Its like suggesting that crossing your fingers during the oath would also be legally effective in negating the oath. Fucking asswipes should be shot, immediately, for being dumbass asswipe shitwads.

Prommie: Speaking of asinine nitpicking, warmest Stinquey congratulations to SecState Hillbot9000. 94-2. The two were DeMint and (yes, yes!) Vitter.

I know what the problem is with Vitter, but what’s DeMint’s excuse? (And John Cornyn held this up for a day so that he could not vote against it? Poor.)

Never fear, Sarah Plain and Stupid to the rescue to give us something to snark about.

Talibunny, honey, don’t bitch about the media covering your kids when you drag them on stage with you and sell pictures of your grandson to People magazine for 300 K.

@chicago bureau: I thought Cornpone was holding up Holder.

Hey SFL, consider yourself hopologized to.

@Prommie: Running line I’ve heard is that while some amendment puts him in office at noon (even if the oath is five minutes late), he can’t exercise the duties of the office until he swears on the Bible without bursting into flames.

But really: This is great for we advocates of Childish Things.

Now that I can watch the vid at home I just want to say: Really, Lamont? Really?

I was wondering about that weird flub in the oath. Thank FSM for Bush-appointed judges!

@Prommie: Its like suggesting that crossing your fingers during the oath would also be legally effective in negating the oath.

You mean… it’s not???


I better call my agent. Kthnxbai.

Get yer gay Democrat was-he-underaged sex scandal right here, featuring the recently elected openly gay mayor of Portland, OR:

“…the snark won’t come” – blogen

Oh I dunno… I thought Jon Stewart’s bit was pretty good.

The key to snark in this administration is not Obama – it’s the Obamites.

@Mistress Cynica:

Democratic Scandals are such a yawn, aren’t they?

@Tommmcatt Yet Again: Oh come on, it’s worth a few diapers just for the kid’s name: Beau…fucking…Breedlove!

@flippin eck:
Heh, Ok, 1 diaper for the name, I guess.

I miss the wetsuit and dildo days, tho….

And look, ladies and gentlemen, there’s always Plugz.

I mean, today he was at a White House press conference and got off a John Roberts Don’t Speak So Good blast. Barry looked like he wanted to punch him. This in the same week that Mrs. Plugz did an endzone dance around Hillbot.

Our ability to crack-back on those in power will come back, and we will deliver it safely to future generations.

@Mistress Cynica:

Have you seen a photo of Beau Breedlove? I’d hit that so hard his ass would be sending text messages from next Tuesday.

Ya can’t blame a good papa bear like Sam Adams for wantn’ a little somethin’ somethin.’ I mean, he was 18 and it was totes consensual.

Lying about it was probs not a hot idea though. Why did he decide to come clean now?

It has given the O’raygun Scolds something to get all teeth-gnashy and hysterical about.

For fuck’s sake, won’t someone think of the chidren?


Apparently the wrong-wingers have pronounced judgement:

Barack Hussein Obama potentially did not say one or two words of the oath in order, therefore he is not really the Prezinit and nothing legal happened or will happen in our country after that moment. The End.

And here are the inevitable HAWT HAWT HAWT Beau Breedlove photos.


Yes, sir, yes, sir. I’d hit that hard. And so would you!

@Original Andrew: Orygun scolds? Call us back when the Rajneeshees return.

@Mistress Cynica: Saw that, but for some reason I couldn’t work up the energy. After the wetsuit preacher and Larry Craig nothing seems to satisfy. Even if they caught Vitter boning a hooker in the Senate cloakroom it wouldn’t help.


Oh, they’re long gone.

And I think Lon Mabon is still in jail or something?

Are we gonna have to bash ourselves now? Must we do everything?


Oh noes, and to spend more time with her family too.

The mind reels over the terrifying kinks and perversions that were about to be revealed.

Breaking – TPM sez Roberts gave Unicorn the oath again. Also, to my great delight, Caroline Kennedy dropped out of Senate derby.

@nojo: Beat me to it! I’m still glad she’s gone – she would have been a disaster.


It’ll have to be broadcast as a total Do-Over or the wingtards will nevah buy it.

Though really, why would someone wanna bang an 18 yr-old anyway?

Most guys aren’t even halfway good at screwing until their mid-to-late 20s.

@Original Andrew:

However, being screwed is a talent they develop around 16, if I can remember that far back….

@blogenfreude: NBC sez Caroline’s back! I love breaking news!

@Tommmcatt Yet Again:

Really? I must’ve been a late bloomer ’cause I didn’t even discover my He-Spot until like 20ish.


So now we’re gonna find out that her private life makes 9 1/2 Weeks look like The Muppet Movie?

@Original Andrew: @Original Andrew: Ooooooo…half naked boys. I don’t favor the twinky boys, but I would hit it.

Here is what the motherfucking Constitution says: :–“I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

I do not see any motherfucking “so help me God,” do you?

Why don’t the motherfucking nitpicking head-up-their ass fuckwads throw that out as a reason he is not really President?

Fuck me.

@Original Andrew: The mayor is more my type, but I see your point.

@Original Andrew: I never learned to fuck till I was near 40. For realz. Shyness and insecurity gets in the way of good fucking. My fear of rejection was so strong I was afraid of rejection even after I was in there, always afraid she would come to her senses, and withdraw consent, scream “Oh my god, what am I doing fucking this loser, get off me, oh my god, I feel so defiled.”

It would be comforting to believe that most people, deep down, have some of this, and only with maturity comes real fucking, but no, trust me, the cheerleaders and prom queens and football heros were having heroic pornstar sex at 17, trust me. No, if you missed out on good fucking when you were young, well, its gone, that opportunity. Don’t get me wrong, good middle-aged fucking is wonderful, but it would have been nice to have been doing it for the last 30 years, instead of just the last 10.

Somethings missing here, and its JNOV. Dammit, I hope she is OK and will be returning. When the snark is at an ebb, and we are casting about for amusing conversation, well, there is nothing like her stories of pestorking ex-mormons, for one.

I don’t know about pornstar sex for teeny boppers. From what I’ve been told, teenage males have pretty fucked up ideas about what good sex is. Not that I know as I didn’t lose mine till I was 24 (?!) It wasn’t for lack of trying.

I was in stupid meetings all day with people who hate me. So Roberts did a do-over? That cracks me up. Hey, wasn’t Obama born in Indonesia?

@ManchuCandidate: As Lily von Shtupp put it: “I’m tired of men always coming and going, going and coming – and always too soon. “

@ManchuCandidate: Thankfully I was schooled early on by a woman 10 years my senior – “here, NO HERE … OK … NOT SO FAST!” Lessons for a lifetime.

@ManchuCandidate: No, Manchu, I think I have some good sources, and nope, there is no comfort to be had imagining that those assholes, the goddam jocks and cheerleaders, who were getting laid back in high school, were having shallow, ignorant, bad sex.

Sex is about athleticism and dancing, it is all physicality and rhythm, no, they were better at it then for the same reason they were jocks and cheerleaders, they did not live inside their heads, they lived inside their bodies, and enjoyed activities that moved and stimulated their bodies, sports, dancing, cheerleading, sex. Yup, we are intellectuals here, and we live more in our heads. We have to learn to stop watching ourselves doing what we are doing, and just do it instead. Some people live zen, they don’t have enough logical mental activity going on to take them out of the moment. We have to go through a process of learning not to think out what should be purely physical.

Candide’s retarded neighbor was the only happy person on earth. The fucktards, really, have it pretty good. Great sex, no conscience, not doubts, certain and sure conviction, all the time, damn, those fuckers.

Is there a stupid pill I could take?

@Original Andrew: Well, apparently da mayor agrees, as he rather ungallantly stated in a news conference:
“Beau is a good guy, very smart, very engaging,” Adams said. “But the experience of dating someone that much younger, I didn’t find it compelling.”

@Mistress Cynica: I just read the story, and all I have to say is, God, how absurd, that this is in the news and is a political scandal.


Isn’t it? A year from now those people at the press conference will be wearing rags and tearing out each others’ hair over a can of pork and beans, yet everyone’s Soooooo Concerned about the mental health and well-being of pobre Beau Breedlove. Yeah right. But then again, I’m Very Concerned about his ass, so I’ll just STFU now.

/off topic/

I just rewatched the Inauguration Parade footage–the part where Barry and Michelle walk and wave–and I’m so awestruck by how different this is from Caligutard’s. At BHO’s people were running alongside, trying to keep up and weeping with joy. At Caligutard’s, people were giving him the double bird, screaming “you’ll never get away with this you asshole” (au contraire mon fraire), waving signs that said “jail to the thief,” etc. Maybe it is a slightly better world.

@Mistress Cynica:

That was a tacky, appalling thing for him (sex pig) to say. Let’s hope he has the sense not to say any more about it. (Probably not though).

Hey, are you all in your Secret Clubhouse again?

@Original Andrew: I’m here. Just watched yesterday’s Daily Show with Gene Robinson. Awesome.

@Mistress Cynica:

Oh I totally cracked up on the “diagonal.”

In other important news, Chelsea Handler just swore in Chewy as her assistant on Chelsea Lately. Quite touching, really.

@Original Andrew: I’m sure she did a better job than John Roberts.

@Mistress Cynica:

That half-witted wingnut? We’re due for a DC sex scandal storm and one involving him would be delicious. I’m picturing a cuckhold fan-nasty involving him, his wife, an enigmatic, secret society of sadistic swingers, and a murder. Oh wait, that’s the plot for Eyes Wide Shut.

Ok, I’m picturing a John Roberts sexxx scandal so unspeakable that to even type such obscene filth on an open internet connection will cause Comcast to

@Original Andrew: Remember the freaky ’50s outfits Roberts’ kids wore to his swearing in? Sign of serious freakitude, IMO. Something of Vitter quality.

@Mistress Cynica:

Flowers in the Attic meets Leave it to Beaver?

Little Beavers in the Attic? I like it…

Just saw the Lowery speech-thing last night. Terrific. We recorded the PBS version which did not include the trip to the White House which I really wanted to see. So I could compare it to the Bunnypants fiasco which I attended. I stood among thousands of others yelling “Thief” at the shitheel.

@Original Andrew: Roberts and his wife are mixed up in some shit with those kids. They are adopted, and they came from Ireland. Only Ireland does not allow the exportation of its orphans, they may only be adopted by those who will keep them in Ireland; and the actual adoptions were done in Guatamala. I smell skullduggery.

I think they are the kind of creepy catholics who disapprove of (hetero) sex even within marriage.

@Promnight: Hey there! MW sent me a link to your comment. Sorry I wasn’t here to chat with you — my new meds have me asleep by 9:30 PM. Ugh. And then I’m all sedated in the morning.
Yesterday was my first day back at work after about a month of the Howling Fantods. Over time, Xanax has my almost constant panic under control. I was a mess, I tell ya. I bone fide fucking wreck. I’m still crazy but able to hide it better. And did I tell you they think they misdiagnosed me as bipolar and that I actually cycle through major depression and panic attacks? Woo-hoo! I think I still might be bipolar, and I’m keeping an eye out for any manic behavior due to the mega antidepressants I’m on now. Coming unglued is no fun. Well, unless you’re manicky, but now that I’m not supposed to have been manicky, I remain confused.

I’ll tell you about the time I was almost arrested in Egypt later tonight if I’m still up. I love Brush-with-the-Law stories, and I make friends share theirs when we’re camping or drinking. I’ll go first.

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