• That Red Cross solar/crank radio we just bought last week? It works!
• 1.4 million customers offline is a good excuse for missing a deadline.
• Contrary to reputation, zombies are pussies.

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“New Mexico Gov. Susana Martinez, who has drawn national attention and criticism from immigrant advocacy groups for trying to stop illegal immigrants from getting driver’s licenses, has acknowledged her paternal grandparents came to the U.S. illegally.” [AP, via Political Wire]

Here is how this photo is being pitched:

During the Sept. 7 Republican debate, Ron Paul clashed with fellow Texan Rick Perry once again.

This time, things got physical.

During a commercial break, Perry walked up to Paul’s podium, physically grabbed Paul’s wrist, and pointed at Paul’s face with his other hand.

We’re not sure whether it’s worth Paultards getting upset over. Then again, we’d love to see the fallout from the same shot with Barack Obama on the receiving end.

Ron Paul Debate: Rick Perry Physically Grabs Him, Points at His Face [International Business Times]

Yes, It’s True: Ben & Jerry’s Introduces ‘Schweddy Balls’ Ice Cream Flavor [NPR, via LuxMentis]

Now that our main character is finally hopping on board, it’s time to stab him in the back. But who will shove the shiv? Crazy Eyes? Mittens? Little Jon Huntsman?

All of them?!!!

Grab your popcorn for tonight’s All-Star Shitfest, as we shovel coal into our GOP Debate Open Thread/Closed Minds. We promise it’s the most fun you’ll have violating the Eleventh Commandment… until the next Republican debate.

Our guest columnist is the Media Research Center.

Have you ever fantasized about beating Bill O’Reilly to death with a crowbar or shooting up the offices of Americans for Prosperity with an Uzi?

Video Game Allows Players to Slaughter “Tea Party Zombies” Like Sarah Palin and Bill O’Reilly [MRC]

Tea Party Zombies Must Die!

“This morning on ABC, Karl Rove said Rick Perry’s extreme views on Social Security — detailed in his book “Fed Up!” — are ‘toxic’ both in the Republican primary and the general election. Rove also dismissed Perry’s response thus far as ‘inadequate.'” [ThinkProgress] Presuming Perry shows up, our GOP Debate open thread starts at 7:45pm ET.